Elia VS Poultry - Comedy Open Mic Round #6

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I love cooking and I consider it as a creative process during my day. It's a way to release stress and I also fill my tummy according to my own taste. Chicken however is my worst enemy-and turkey as well.

These birds give me goosebumps! I see them more as a corpse instead of food to be. Their pores and the way their dead skin looks is just disgusting. I will narrate two different fail stories/experiences I had with them that I don’t want to remember.

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Round 1

It’s Christmas and we have visited a friend in Glasgow. We would be turning back to London in Christmas Eve and of course we had to eat the traditional Christmas turkey. So we bought the bird from Marks and Spencer in Glasgow in order to host it in our lunch the next day. The defrosting took place in the train, in a shelf above our heads. Every once in a while I was getting the bird down squeezing it, to check the progress of defrosting. Even though I hated it with all my heart, I was being really kind and caring.

Christmas arrived and I faced the awful reality. The time to deal with the monster had come. It was the first time I had a whole creature to cook in front of me. I wore my gloves and started “petting” it with the butter, the herbs, and treated the ugliest thing on earth like a queen. I put it in the oven and waited and waited and it has been remaining the same off-white monster it was before. Then a bright idea came to my mind, to pour some water in there to wake it up a bit. It was a disastrous move from my side. That piece of shit wanted to get more on my nerves and decided to start roasting after a while, but only on its upper part. I ended up with a half roasted, half stew turkey. I literally wanted to through it from the window to go tell its Scottish friends to go screw themselves. Instead of a Christmas turkey, we ended up eating Christmas salad and cheese.

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Round 2

I went to the butcher and asked for chicken thighs. I had a delicious recipe from my grand mother and I got back home with pride, as an excited little chef. I got the thighs off the paper and what I encountered haunts me till today. They were with their bones! Ok not a big deal you might think. Yeah for you. For a normal person maybe. For me it was a huge deal actually. I wanted to get those bones out of there and I grabbed a knife to start the butchering myself. (The recipe wanted fillet thighs not the whole leg, with the shoes).

The difficulty rating was 10/10. The sound of cutting the flesh while touching the bone, the smell, the pores, the bloody parts made me sick and I wanted to cry so bad. I could almost hear the chicken calling me a bitch for treating it that way.

Enough is enough. I will return the half butchered legs to their boss. I wrapped the mistreated chicken and went back to the butcher. Help me please, I cannot do anything with those pimpled legs sir. Could you please rip the meat out of the bone for me? Please. Please. The poor guy smiled hesitantly, and handed me the fillet thighs.

The score ended 2-0 so, chickens and your cousins, live your lives free and away from my kitchen. Bye.

I would also like to nominate @nsbachourin and @ruth-girl to take part in this contest here! :)