The best reason to work out - Comedy Open Mic Round #14
The following story is from a chat between me and my dear friend @scuzzy.
Some names have been changed or omitted to protect identities. Curses have also been replaced with the word "cuss" in the style of "Fantastic Mr. Fox".
This is finally my attempt to fulfill the challenge given to me from @mineopoly for the #comedyopenmic. I decided to take a page out of @monchhichi23's book, and retell a situation from real life. I PERSONALLY did not find this funny. I found it to be terrifying. @scuzzy found it to be boring (as he does with all my conversations with him. But I blackmail him to be my friend.) my kids found it to be funny, but i think they laugh AT me. If no one else thinks it's funny - sorry, but @andysantics48 laughed. and I think she just did to make me feel like I could be funny if i tried. that's what friends are for.
But. at the end of the day, this is a story of survival.
and what doesn't kill you, scares the cuss out of you and almost makes you stroke out.
...and that's always funny, right?
dreemsteem
i got chased by spookies!!!!
i had the meeting tonight at 9
so i left the party (that i didn't want to go to)
and i'm like ok everyone byeeeeee
but i forgot - no car! cuz i walked there!!!!!
Scuzzy
meeting at 9?
dreemsteem
yea.
Scuzzy
spookies?
dreemsteem
😒
hey! you're ruining my story mister.
Scuzzy
I don't understand gang slang!!
go on
i shut up
dreemsteem
now...
i had a meeting at 9 ish
so i had to be home to get online
but i'm at the party - that i didn't want to go to.
and i lost playing a game cuz i had the worst stupid things ever to draw. but nevermind that.
but i hate losing
so - i'm leaving the party. ( cuz i lost)
i thought i was gonna drive to the party earlier
but lo and behold
i go outside and there is no car
so i had to walk
lovely evening for a walk
10-15 minutes to get there
nice. fine. beautiful light... perfect evening
then - time to come home. (cuz i lost the game. bye party)
but no more beautiful sunshine. it's night.
and DARK.
there are no lights here cuz i live in the cussin' Boondocks!!!!
and when we were playing a game (at the party i didn't want to go to)
they were using my phone for the clues to draw on the big paper thing.
and the other girl didnt do what she was supposed to do to prepare
so we were both using my phone for the clues.
didn't think about the phone dying!!!!
so - i'm leaving. (cuz i lost.) and i'm a good sport when i win. and a cussy loser.
so bye everyone. i hate you all.
and i start walking home
and i look at my phone and its at like 4%
and i'm like GULP
just kidding!!!! i dont' hate you all - who wants to walk me home?!?!?!?!
but they're like - nope . get outta here. you're a bad loser. walk yourself home
and i'm like fine. then i DO hate you all. and i should have won anyway
(course all this was in my head) cuz, out loud- i'm like okkkkkkkkk byeeeeeeeeee kissy kissy mwah!!!!
BUT honestly..... their clues were like "Harry Potter" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
and my clues are "Cold Shoulder" and "Whisper"
WHAT THE CUSS!
how do you draw WHISPER????
i digress.
(@scuzzy is silent. pretending to listen. but we all know he was sleeping, right? right!?)
so... i start walking. and i'm like dang it.
1. i need to get home
and 2. its dark as cuss out here. who chose to live here?!?!?!
and 3. ummmm what kind of animals can eat me?
and 4. where the cuss are the lights?!?!?!?!
and 5. oh my gosh. if my phone dies - i'm gonna freak the cuss out
and 6. what was that noise? eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. walk faster
so. i'm walking... faster. and the gravel is making echoey sounds
... like someone else is behind me
but i can't look!
cuz if i look - they'll kill me
they wait for you to look, you know?
they'll leave me alone if i just keep walking.
and then i'll probably feel them breathing down my neck but.....
i'm just like ohhhhhh la la la. i'll just pretend i'm not afraid
ho hum. what a lovely evening!
pitch black is not scary at all, my good man!
perhaps i'll whistle a little "i'm not afraid" tune.
a chipper one, you know?
but you can't whistle when you're scared. it just sounds like air through pursed lips.
and then i hear something beside me. a tree branch. snap. or a something like a twig
like the Blair Witch project!!!!!!
and i'm like aghhhhhhhhhhhh please don't take my teeth out, Blair Witch!!!!!
I need my molars!!!!!
WHYYYYYY did i talk about the blair witch with @monchhichi23 today?!?!?!?!
and then i hear in the distance.
woooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooooo
wooooooooooooooooooooooooo
and i'm like. WHAT. FRESH. HELL. IS. THIS.
who the cuss moved me out to the boondocks?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
but it wasn't like an owl wooo wooo
Scuzzy (ok maybe he wasn't sleeping)
🐸
dreemsteem
it was like a wolf wooooo woooooo
but there are no wolves here
and it was louder
like.... a train woooo woooo???? wolf woo woo?????
weird very LOUD windy, wolfy, train woo woo noise
and i'm like .... my legs are BURNIN' at this point.
cuz i am NOT about to lose my flashlight on my phone
and spookies is allllll around me.
and so i turn up my hill. and i'm like. oh cuss it.
i have no lungs right now. nor legs
but if you think.... if you THINK. that i'm about to die tonight?!?!?!
you have another thing coming.
so i start huffing it up the hill. and i'm like . oh cuss.
i did not think this through. i cannot even pace myself though!!!
cuz grim reaper....
he's behind me waiting for me to turn around and acknowledge him
so i'm like- marching full tilt boogie up this mountain now.
and finally - i'm close to my house and i can hear noises like my hubby
and i'm like pant pant pant pant pant hey! pant pant pant pant
and he's like oh hey! where were you?
and i'm like ok- now i wont die. cuz the grim reaper is scared of my 6'8" hubby.
and i get up there and he's like....
you're out of shape
Scuzzy
🥁(that's a drum if you can't tell. he was implying that my husband... nevermind.)
dreemsteem
and i'm like. um. i didn't die tonight. so.
and he's like where were you. and i'm like
pant pant pant pant pant pant "par....." pant pant pant pant "ty."
he's like why are you breathing so hard?
i said - hold up.
just.
stop.
for a minute.
what's the cuss is that sound? do you hear that?
and he's quiet
and you can hear the wooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooo WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and his eyes are like
😳
😲
and i'm like mm hmmm.
that's why i can't breathe.
cuz i was running for my life from whatever that sound is
and he's like - ummmm yeah. lets get in the house?
Scuzzy (silent)
dreemsteem
but - i think that noise was like.... something..... like - industrial????
but it was so weird
it almost sounded like.... crazy cuss from The Hunger Games.
so. yeah.
this is when I'm happy that I've completed 5 weeks of @coachjj's fitness challenge
cuz. if this was week 1.
i would probably be dead.
Scuzzy
could be an alien
what if it was a friendly ghost
dreemsteem
i think it was not.
cuz if it was a friendly ghost.
it would be like... offering me a seat on his bicycle
and ringing a nice little bell.
and maybe offering me some hot cocoa
Scuzzy
maybe a mute ghost?
or disabled
so it was having troubles reaching out to you
dreemsteem
no i think it was mechanical wolves
Scuzzy
hmm
those are very rare
dreemsteem
true
but - i do live on the edge of civilization
so - its kinda where the weird things hang out.
and breed.
but i'm alive.
the end.
*No pickles were harmed in the making of this post.
Hmmm and now I must wonder.... every time you’re like “yeah love you! “ what’s going on in that evil mind of yours? (I mean if it can concoct this Derek dude then....). I digress.
Scuzzy and his mute, disabled Casper unable to reach out from his bicycle had me crying.
Seriously — warped, twisted, funny and even incorporated the Hunger Games and mechanical wolves - who could ask for more?
XXXOOO ~ T
you had me cracking up!!!!!!!! i'm like... the straight man and @scuzzy is the comedian.
i just set it up for him and he delivers. hahahaha he is the reason why I bothered to put it in there hehehehe he makes me laugh so hard!
and when i say byyyyyeeeeeeeee kissy kissy mwah! then.... we will just giggle and wink ;)
Bye! 😘😘😉
hahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!! yessssssssssssssss
of course - i was teasing! hehehehe never never hold hatred in my heart.
(not true. hold it with a vengeance for anyone who beats me in a game)
no no no no nooooooooo it's not true!!!! don't listen to her.
(listen to me. she's too stinking competitive for her own good.)
KISSY KISSY MWAHHHHHH! (hehehehe)
WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS!!!!! Omg that made me snort hehehehe and mute disabled ghosts .... what the hell???? you're so funny! I encounter these problems every time I go to feed the pigs when you've kept me talking till after dark lol :P
well I'm not the one who said that about the mute disabled ghosts!!! LOL that was you know who. the master of the wisecracks LOLOL
yes andy! you know. the blair witch is out to take our teeth!!!!
Isn't that the tooth fairy???
monch. that witch pulled their teeth out!!!!!
how do you forget that?!?!?!? LOLOL
Dreem we have to google that... I'm too lazy right now but I really don't remember that was in Blair Witch... you need to prove that to me lol... refresh my memory... I remember the guy standing in the corner, I remember the little stick people, I remember the tears and the snot, I do not remember teeth being pulled out....
Lady!!!!! I have only seen three horror movies!!!!!!
It was THIS movie!!
The one guy got separated from the group and they could hear him screeeeeeeaming in the distance in the night! Lolol
And the next day they found bloody teeth!!!!!
hahahaha ok ok... I'm just trying to make you go look it up!!! I know how scary it is for you but dammit Dreem... you never went and looked it up!!!! I know about the teeth hahaha but you never listen to me!!! I'm trying to make you.... oh geez nevermind lol.... I freaking love you girl... I even gave you another scary movie to go search for and you just refuse... you're making my job hard dammit
No way dude!!!
Lololol I know what I saw!
It's burned into my head forever!!!! Hahahahaa
This is crazy @dreemsteem. I cannot picture you having this conversation with @scuzzy. I thought you two were miles apart. I'm a little confused. I would like to hear what @monchhichi23 has to say.
This would really rock as a recorded version... but I am content to read this in my own voice.
Hey @mineopoly... so you wanna hear what I have to say about this?? Hmmm are you sure about that??? Lol it's like this... it's better that @dreemsteem was in DM with @scuzzy instead of me because while Dreemie and I are almost twinsies ... this is where we differ... she is a scaredy cat and I am not, and unfortunately when I find out someone is a scaredy cat... that just means prey to me, I'm the predator looking for someone that divulges their fear and then I pounce. Is this wrong?? Yes, most definitely ... but my brother is a scaredy cat and I make him go to horror movies with me just so I can have fun scaring the crap out of him, I just can't control myself ... they kinda bring it on themselves by letting me smell their fear. Hahaha and she really does talk like that in DM and she will even keep talking if it takes you a while to respond... lol as you can tell from her story
Yes. I've noticed she may receive an award for most interactive (talkative) on Steemit and neighboring platforms.
About the crap thing I wouldn't take my brother to the movies if I had to clean up his crap.
No worries about that @mineopoly... He's the only one that has to smell his smelly butt on his way home lol... I take my own car hahaha
:O: LOL :O:
soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo mean.
DID YOU SEE THE PERIOD?!?!?!? lol you know what that means! LOL
I. am. so. serious.
You. have. no. idea.
how. serious. I. am.
unless. you. can. tell. some. kind. of. way.
ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. ha.
I wish there was a way for me to see that you're serious.
😂
hahahahaha we are far away from one another. this was the conversation that we had in DM LOLOLOL
I thought so bc I'm talking to scuzzy on discord right this second.
hahahahahahaha! we were both talking to him at the same time then !!!! LOLOL i was ALSO talking to him at that very second ;)
soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo mean.
DID YOU SEE THE PERIOD?!?!?!? lol you know what that means! LOL
That's what it ALWAYS sounds like when I try to whistle.
You're braver than me, I would have called a cab...
hahahahahaha i couldn't!!!!! its literally 1/2 mile away from my house and its 90 minutes to civilization hahahahahahaha.... maybe i should have just spent the night at my friend's house! :)
(but i was so angry at them all for beating me in the game. LOLOLOL THIS is why i need to stop being so competitive. hahahahahaha)
i'm kidding of course - i was only trying to make @scuzzy laugh. but he never laughs at me. he only makes ME laugh!!!!
And that is why I live in the city! Well, the suburbs. 15 mins on the bus to the city centre, 15 mins on foot to the beach or the green belt.
I can see that trying to make @scuzzy laugh is going to get you in all sorts of trouble!
Really!!!! Walking home chased by spookiest... Just to make @scuzzy laugh.
That's bullcrackers!!!! 😂
it certainly would be ... ;-)
Thank goodness the spookies didn't get you! 😯 I wonder if you had gone, "woooooooo wooooooooooooo!" back at them, if it would have scared them away? 😀
It was so loud... And off in the distance. Like....so so so loud. Like something industrial????
But there is nothing industrial!!! Lololol
It was like you know when the factory blows.the whistle??? Kinda like that but airier. And louder. And more like mechanical wolves.
SO SCARY!!!!!
My husband will tell.you! Hahahaha
He was scared too!!!! Lololol it was different than any sound we have ever heard.
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THANK YOUUUUUUUUUU SNEKKY!!!!!!! @poeticsnake!!!!
I'm so thrilled :) I hope you enjoyed this bit of silliness.... though - Scuzzy was funnier than me - and I was just truly terrified hahahahahaha
Yeah, I'm with @tamala...
Wht does go on in that evil mind of yours? ;)
😄😇😄
hehehehehe.... ohhhhh it's only embellished so that I can try to be funny. Of course i never say I hate you to my friends.
ok that's a lie. i do hate the whole world when I lose a game. I'm very ultra supremely competitive.
hehehehehehehe
You? Competitive?
Naaahhhhh! (LOL)
I really really really really am.
😂😂😂😂😂
I really really really really am.
😂😂😂😂😂
I was there , i took a picture..
I AM LAUGHING SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, my name is Scuzzy and I do not recall this conversation. Thank you.
Lolololol you know why???
Drugs.
This is all a dream ;) you just think I typed this.
heheheheheh more like NIGHTMARE!!! it was awful!!!! :)