All right bitches, strap in. A multitude of you have nominated me for this for some god damn reason. Maybe @profanereviews just loves hearing what a fucking train wreck my life is, I don't know for sure but I am going to tickle your taint with only a few of my more memorable trips to the strip club. So throw on a loose fitting pair of pants and grab a hand full of singles because we are going to party.

A good friend always shares

So to set the mood I was 17 and just moved to this cozy part of Houston Texas right next to a mall that the locals lovingly refered to as GUNspoint mall because you were probably going to get robed there. So needless to say we had some high end shit around there. Luckily I had a couple roommates and they liked to party like I did. So we started frequenting the strip club down the street. To be honest at that point in my life I was basicly a walking hardon. Just so happened in this low class establishment me and my roommates could drink and get to see fully naked chicks. What more could i want? So we are there one night and we have been drinking all damn day before ever going to the club. Now you have to realize this clubs A strippers were probably other clubs B strippers at best.

With that being said I spy this suprisingly pretty little asian girl. She was no 10 but compared to what was around here she may have only been a 5or 6 but looked like a 9 compared to the rest of this crew. I could feel that somehow my pants were magicly shrinking so I grab a hand full of $1's and head up to the stage so I can help this girl through college, or buy baby formula, or support a meth habit. Who am I to judge? She does the old pole dance routine and is doing pretty well then she jumps down and comes over to me and gives me the old bend over on stage and stick your cooch out

I had become accustomed to a certain bit of professionalism In my few time there about maintenance. I mean you have a certain expectation of what a lovely woman will smell like. Not today mother fucker. I have no idea what atrocity was brewing down there but it was god awful. I am not sure if she had sex with Satan in the champagne room and i was getting a wiff of Lucifer himself coming to life, or maybe she just chose to be a back to front wiper that day after she had some bad Indian food, either way NATO needs to get involved and find these WMD's. At this point i am purely running off instinct so I throw a fist full of dollar bills to the other side of the stage for her to go fetch. I beat a hasty retreat and knowing that there is no way i am going to be able to get that travesty out of my mind for the rest of the night I do what anyone should do. I go back to the table full of my friends and give the remaining dollars to another guy and tell him to go up to the stage and get a dance from her because she has the most fantastic smelling Vag I had ever smelled. He hurries to the stage and I then let the rest of the table in on the horrors that were about to unfold so it was all eyes on him. He gets up there and gets the same routine i did only when she gets close and bends over like a switch blade you can see him visably take in a deep breath, then it violated his nostrils with that putrid stench. He revolts back a little more but it was more than his drunk ass could stomach. He imediatly and violently vomits right straight into this poor girls butt hole that was directly in front of his face. We are in shock for just a second and then burst into laughter because this was more than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. It was further compounded by the actions of the parties involved afterwards as my friend was trying to grab those little bar napkins and wipe the vomit off her and out of her ass crack all while she is wearing 6 inch heals on a slick glass like stage covered in puke trying despratly to escape the situation.

Needless to say we were kicked out of there and that was the first strip club blacklist I recieved.

That is my seat!

Fast forward about 6 or 8 years and I had moved to the mid west. My buddie Ricky just had to go to the strip club (I say his name because looking back on my life I have never met any grown man named Ricky that was not a total fucking ididot.) So there we are, I am just not feeling it that day and want to sit at home and drink beer. NOPE. Here we go. It is not even a fully nude club. We are in the bible belt now. That means bottoms on, little X's over nipples and NO ALCOHOL served. Luckily they figured that out and the owner put a bar in right next door. So as Ricky continues to go back and forth doing shots next door he becomes more bleigerant and idiotic than he normally was. Quite a feat in its self.
So I have this hard bodied gal grinding on me in one of the nice seats in the back when Ricky stumbles in and starts yelling at this guy up in the front row. So I have to chuck this chick off me

and rush up to collect my idiot friend. Low and behold when I get up there he is yelling at this guy that he stole his seat and he wanted it back. I try to calm the situation and then I see it. Through the dark light of the club I can make out that this guy is in a wheel chair. Fuck me. Ricky is still yelling that he wants his chair back and I am trying everything I can do to get the hell out of Dodge, like yesterday. I finally wrestle this fucking idiot out of there and i am getting mad by now having to baby sit a grown ass man. So I get in the car and Ricky says he has to piss. Fine, whatever, just go around the building real quick. About 1 minute later I hear someone yelling and Ricky laughing. What the fuck now? I exit the car and find dumb dumb baby decided to PISS into an open car window. Not just any car window though. Oh no. Here Ricky is pissing into a car and the driver is a midget. I fucking lost it. I am somehow transitioning from one nano second to the next alternating from super pissed to hilariously entertained then back again. I finally wrestle this idiot into my car and head home. That was the last time I ever went to a strip club probably 10 years ago.

Pissing contest

This takes place in between the first 2 stories and I was living in Allentown Pa at the time. Doing a little bit of automotive college out there on a graduate program and made some friends with a couple guys out there. You guessed it. We all liked naked women. So off we go to a club. It was a pretty normal night and towards the end of the night a couple of the girls come back to our house we were renting to do some drinking. As the night goes on everyone is getting pretty lit up and one of the guys goes over to take a piss off the deck. One of the girls is looking at him a little weird and he pops off something like "I bet you wish you could piss standing up lol" . To which she replys " I could piss farther than your little dick could" Ohhhhhhhh. So the conversation goes on for a bit after that and we all laughed at the thought of the whole thing. She finally calls him out. "Piss as far as you can and I will beat you". she says. "If I beat you you have to give me a real lap dance and I get to degrade you like I get at work everyday, If I loose i will give you what ever you want" Damn. He laughs and agrees so he pulls up and gives it all he has and goes and marks where the end of the stream hit. We are all chuckling and giggling at this time. So she steps up and drops her bottoms. Reaches down and grabs her ( I will call them labia because I have no idea ) on each side of here Vagina and PULLS like a fucking slingshot up towards her stomach

and lets out the most glorious, crazy stream of urine that completely destroyed my roommates marker. Seeing him have to give this chick a lap dance was one of the funniest things I can remember seeing. It was so awkward, but like they say " The lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying"

Well folks, hope you enjoyed it and got a laugh.

rules are here

My nominations are @trumpman and @booster916