The Real Horror - Comedy Open Mic Round 35
The girl stabbed herself five times in the gut and turned. There was blood dripping from her guts but she looked unconcerned. Instead she advanced towards me with her bloody knife and asked for my autograph. I rolled my eyes and turned away.
I direct horror movies or at least what passes for horror among the brainless beings that continue inhabiting earth. I'd started my career as a documentary maker. I used to make movies on serious subjects like, is your garbage man a secret millionaire? Does your mom like the cat better? It was after the traumatic answer to the latter question that I started making bad zombie movies. Scratch that. All zombie movies are bad. In a world tethering on the edge of global warming, chemical warfare, mass extinction, the biggest horror people can find is a cadaver who walks and wants to eat brains.
There are some people in the world who would believe in make believe horrors than the real horrors in front of them. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. They would rather think that a vampire is killing nubile women after having an affair with them (plot of my first movie Dating sucks!) than genetic mutations arising from GMO food.
People really think it is more probable that a group of sorority would become possessed by Satan (my second movie Ewwil rises) than a religious cult believing they have been instructed by God to kill people who do not like Emmental cheese.
After the success of that movie I realized truth doesn't pay the bills. Look at any rich person and tell me they aren't liars. What truthful sane person ever made it. If politicians told you they love power and would probably sell their grandmother's kidneys in Ding Dong, Texas for higher approval ratings, you wouldn't vote for them. If they told you how screwed up your country is, you wouldn't care either way. If two parties are fighting for a banana and you're the monkey, you'll just look at them disgustedly and walk away.
Truth doesn't sell. Because in reality it is a bigger horror than a possessed zombie alien ventriloquist doll.
Hi diebitch,
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)
Judges:
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Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
i would take the banana before leaving FYI
I'd take zombies roaming around over seeing an entire generation enslaved to subsistence wages and constant financial fear.
I nominate @nedshair and @nonameslefttouse, although they might be same person
But I'm not funny!