No More Funny Voices! - Comedy Open Mic Round 15

in comedyopenmic •  6 months ago

No more funny voices!

Yes that's right. Comedy is in danger. Put it on your list of things to save. While the avengers are trying to save the world from a guy who loves jewelry, you save Helium from getting depleted.

Are you in Hellium?

Do you know that no matter how noble the gases are, they can still be endangered?

We are losing Helium and the many benefits helium has for comedy.

You want to speak in a cartoonish voice, now you’ll use some unnatural half-assed technology instead of Helium.

Thought your balloons could defy gravity, well think again, they might as well have lead inside them.

What are clowns going to carry in parties? Fruits, regular balloons filled with Uncle Gary’s Halitosis?

What about the goodyear blimp, will future generations not see how unproductively we pass time?

Leave me Alone

Helium is inert. I doesn’t like mixing with other elements. Like me when I was 13 and human beings thought looking directly at me was an option.

This is makes it difficult for Helium to be present for parties like the one going on in the atmosphere. Meanwhile it’s neighbor Hydrogen is the popular girl who’ll get on with everything.

So, the loner is fighting for survival while the popular thrives. Sigh.

Why is Helium being depleted?

Helium reserves on earth are due to the decay of Uranium and Thorium. Since it is difficult to produce, we relied on existing deposits of Helium. This process has taken millions of years. However, humans are stupid. They have the self control of a baby when confronted with a lollipop. They suck immediately.

It has been used at a pace far outstripping it’s production.

Do you think you’ll get this morgan freeman squeaky voice in a few years time ?


Can we do shit?

Kinda. You can travel to the sun, which has large amount of Helium deposits. But you’ll be burnt like a nerd asking a cheerleader out to prom or a lady who collected brooms in Salem during the seventeenth century.

There is scope of getting it from nuclear fusion but that ain’t exactly cheap. Meanwhile it lies trapped in natural gas. Not that natural gas, ew.
But harnessing it from the atmosphere is like your bank account after taxes. there's very little left.

Here’s a radical idea, we can stop being greedy and conserve it.

Other less important uses of Helium

Coolant: It is also a super coolant so it is used in MRI machines. It can’t substituted because of how cool it is. But remember the primary use is in funny voices.

Espionage: It is also used for cooling infrared detectors, so spies can work at night

Dating: Helium makes anyone funny so your date goes well, but I dont mean that dating, I mean the one where we check if the rocks are older than the queen.

Semi-Conductors, large Hadron colliders, blah blah blah

Someday years from now future family screw ups will find tapes of us talking in funny voices with gravity defying balloons behind us, and they'll cry.


Thanks @nostoneunturned for getting this to my attention.

I nominate @jayna and @veryspider to make an entry for COM.

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be kinda cool if they used them as breast implants
so women walk around looking like they're all just motorboating themselves


I can not imagine that


I really shouldn't have been surprised by Trafalgar's comment...

But alas, I was...

It's not to hard to picture the ridiculousness of this. I'm sure that some "real house wives" would jump at the opportunity to get this done, if they thought that it would help their sweater puppies fly again.

Sounds like a job for Dr. Nick.

This is really good. I laughed and I cried. The crying was because this is so clever and I'm jealous.


Meanwhile, I'm telling your wife about your secret family


Oh, what did she think about that? Let me know if she was keen.

I was just bopping around Steemit looking for a laugh. This provided a couple.
then I got concerned.
I think squeek voice is of utmost importance. I can't go giving that up. There has to be another way to conserve.
The obvious solution would be to get rid of those MRI machines. Do those doctors not realize they could heal all ailments with laughter induced by helium squeeks?
The queens rocks could likely do with a few less dates too.
Heck we should all forego semi conductors to support the cause.
I vote we leave the spys alone though. Never know when we may need some vital intel.

Geekiest shit ever.

Is Thorium Thor's fart?

I love you so much, you cracked all my frigging ribs😀😀😀

As long as there is Nitrous there will still be comedy and funny voices:



It just makes you laugh, not others


Very good point... comedy is really about giving laughs not taking laughs.

I keep two tanks on reserve. A big one for home and a small one for my person. Y'know, to impress girls.

Bwah ha ha....pure espionage, subterfuge, and the 'regular balloons filled with Uncle Gary’s Halitosis?'
i will do my duty and always try to remember that...
Helium's primary use is in funny voices.

Thank you for this important information. I have been fretting about the viability of helium for some time, and though the situation is dire, it’s a relief to know there is something we can do about it! At last I will sleep at night!

Oh, and thank you for the nomination!