Citizen Brain - Comedy Open Mic Round 27

I was talking to Cardi-O and after twenty five years of running this human, we’ve decided to do something. The human is boring and I mean he is addicted to a deficiency of dope(amine). The fucking seat filler on the world tour bus, gets up, goes to work, eats and comes back to sleep. No girlfriend, boyfriend, or japanese body pillow. It’s like he travels in a bubble made of excitement repelling molecules. Once a car was coming towards him and somebody else jumped in front of it. He didn’t even realize what happened.

Cardi-O just pumps blood, there is no pain - sweet or otherwise. He has been operating at the same pace, not even one aorta of difference. He often looks towards me - Brian Brain to help him out. Would it be too much to hope that I get some gin in a bottle or Absolut sin. No stimulation , just a daily asphyxiation of my amygdala.

He works at a bank writing log entries. Eight hours he spends there, has a plain cheese sandwich in the middle. If a human wanders to the shoe box he operates out of, they quickly backtrack at the sight of the pasty face and goggling eyes behind spectacles that Hubble might have borrowed.

It is time for Brian to shine and take over this human cadaver. The first step is to find a purpose.

I get sidetracked a lot, with nothing to occupy me, my personal neural network goes haywire. Which tells you humans something. The saner a person, the more insane their brain is. Ah that’s an inside joke, if I ever saw one.

So back to purpose, let’s go with spy. Yep that’ll prove my capabilities. Imagine the neurological orgasm when you have successfully thwarted your enemy’s plans, dodged bullets with perfect coordination and then filed a successful report from memory.

Cardi-O is happy about this, because spies have women throwing themselves at them, and he has a soft spot for them. Meanwhile, the hard spot for this man, Penny is waking up from a hundred years of sleep, bewildered, confused.

I filled up the forms for the position, got him a makeover and braced myself for something electric. What I got was static. I’d expected excitement when I made the human drop from the ceiling into the classroom. I thought a few people espied him but dismissed it due to the colour of his clothes. We prided ourselves in dressing the human up in a colour similar to the roof.

Instead of applause, there was mild incredulity and then a look of pure delight on the instructor’s face. I took that as a good sign.

The human’s even got a gun. My circuits have been cackling in anticipation. But no prizes for guessing, he’s blank as the bullet he’s been assigned. People might associate danger and glamour with spying but my human can decimate your expectations. For he is now trying to underwhelm the world’s most exciting profession by being the guy who blends into the surroundings. He got top marks in concealment because nobody remembers him. Facewall!

He is so good at this that he has been immediately offered a field position. He tails diplomats, ambassadors, jewel thieves and writes entries in his log.

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I nominate @xanderslee and @caleblailmusik for comedy open mic round 27