The Unabridged Complete Moron's Guide to Strip Clubs--by W.A. Moron (Comedy Open Mic Round #18)

in comedyopenmic •  4 months ago

There was a book that George Washington read and actually memorized that talked about the kind of decorum you should carry yourself in any public situation. The name of the book was "Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation." It served him well, he did go as far as memorizing the entire book, and living virtually to all of its ideals. Not that it has any difference in this post other than quite often strippers may be the top circulation method of one dollar bills, that have a picture of him on the front. If you view this post in that level of esteem you have some real issues going on that not even the ghost of George Washington can take on, and he fought off the mightiest world superpower the world has ever known at the time.

Disclosure notice:

I am not a professional strip club critic, so I hope this post does not offend professional strip club critics, if there were such a thing. With millennials ruining everything else, soon there may be such a designation, so take my advice as for what is free, which doesn't happen in these clubs mentioned--everything has a price.

Also I have not, and never will attend a male strip club, that is a joint where men get naked. Not that's there's anything wrong with that to quote Jerry Seinfeld a while back it's just not that is not what I am and nobody likes being labelled what you are not. If I started talking talking to you like you were Napoleon Bonaparte that would likely first confuse the hell out of you, then eventually enrage you, because you are not him. Sorry ladies, no comments here due to complete lack of experience of the goings on at the sausage grindhouse.

Section I: Getting to know your club...

In attending one of these clubs you are taking some things for granted. One, that you are in a safe environment and that you will not be harmed in any way during this visit (at least outside of a consentual context). Although sorry to ruin it for you, but you are in an amusement area of fellow 'jacked up' other guys that are looking for and at the same thing you are. I do not know the numbers on this but I assume the odds of you getting beaten, shot at, shanked, attacked with a prosthetic limb (or your own detached limb), attacked by an animal of any species on the planet (live or even extinct), bitten (or gummed roughly in some cases), and countless other unforeseen events are likely at their highest of any time in the rest of your life when attending this strip club. The other assumption is that you are in a state of mind to be operating in public, which of course for 99.99% of goers that is an outright lie. So get to know the lay of the land, and quickly come up with your "Shit's going down emergency plan" shortly after your entry if you can avoid the distractions around you, which you can't so just scratch that actually you are totally boned in an emergency.

Section II: Getting to know your Stripper...

There are a lot of reasons women become strippers, as there has been countless cross section examinations over the millennia but then it usually comes back to "Need the scratch so my family can eat--what the fuck do you care?! (see also: douche bag significant other who is okay with her joining the ranks of stripperdom, messed up father or father figure). (Odds are also highly likely there is a male or female partner that they help enable and/or enables the stripper to do/and or deal non prescription drugs). To make a long story short they are very professional, otherwise they would be seeing in you the horrid pile of waste their image of men are, and they would rather slit your throat and carry you out back of the club (more on that later) than get anywhere near you. The addition of chemical agents creating an intoxication effect among the customer and the professional is what helps 'socially lubricate' this awkward exchange of supply and demand. Just make sure your "Unseen hand (referenced by Adam Smith in Wealth of Nations)" doesn't get into the red area. IF so, then refer to above 'when shit goes down plan.' Oh wait, you don't have a plan, you are at best kicked out and 'that guy' in the group you are with and among a club full of strangers that are distracted by this for a millisecond. At worst you are about to get prepped out back of the strip club for the "Have you seen this man missing flyer" your family puts out. It will likely be a picture of you doing something nice by a family member, so make sure you always keep this picture frequently updated, it helps the 72 hour search party. Again, do not go out back, no matter what she promises you, no matter how legit it seems. You are far more likelier to find a sober group of people at the strip club than have anything good come out of a back door exchange at the club. What do you think her douche bag boyfriends does all day? He waits for idiots like you to go out back of the club.

Section III: Types of strip club attendees...

There are many but I can try to boil it down to shorter classifications. First, there is the "Anything Goes" guy, who thinks he is going to get laid at the strip club. We all know how that works out for him, it doesn't. Next there is "Too intoxicated to function guy." This guy shows up, drinks half a beer, spills it everywhere, pukes in the bathroom, maybe shits on the wall somehow, and throws toilet paper all over the place keeping the code of bathroom sanitation in the strip club at it's expected level. This guy passes out or forgets what species he is usually gets you and then gets you kicked out. "Asshole party-ender guy" is well titled, he will get you kicked out it's just a matter of time. Can also evolve into "Fight or fuck something guy," which you often see at dump bars as well. Lastly I will describe "Bottom Line Guy." He has his eyes on the prize, he is the ideal (by the way not always a he, [wink]). He is focused and hopes to make an exchange of money with any professional in the club that has a different anatomy than his and he wishes to see or participate up to the agreed upon limit. You have these, I have this (money being the case--unless he turns volatile and morphs quickly into one of the above classifications then all bets are off). There are more, but that is a brief rundown for brevity sake. But cryptkeeper17, I thought this was complete and unabridged? Shut up, you are a shit bag who is listening to the ravings of a shit bag that spent enough time in strip clubs to write this lengthy of a post on them. If there are more additions feel free to add them to the comment section, which I am planning on you turning the comment section into a proverbial strip club bathroom.

Section IV: The Virtue of the Exchange...

I hope I do not sound condescending to the stripper profession at all. That was not the intention. The stripper actually posses quite highly tuned instincts in her habitat. They have an innate ability to avoid the IRS, or any authority really of any kind. It's usually their douche bag male companion that screws them over when it comes to centralized sanctioned entanglements. They also are adept at finding the sucker of the group that will unload the highest volume of pay for the least work on their part in any group. This happens in milliseconds. We men are an easily manipulated group, especially when the unclad body of the fairer sex is parading around while we are also totally inebriated. It is a triple 7 jackpot every instance as far as the professional stripper is concerned in separating you from your hard earned money. Also some of the most savvy financial people on the planet are strippers. They know how to game every federal system there is know in existence. Where there is money to be had efficiently, strippers are all over it. Other jobs are also created, lets not forget the stripper who for whatever is not able to perform but can work at the front door, there is the angry bouncer (often douche bag significant other and/or often fight or fuck something guy), strip club announcer guy (probably stripper significant other--most likely big time underachiever major fuck bag drug dealer), and you cannot forgot our under appreciated, often abused ride service industry entrepreneurs helping us get our friend "asshole party ender guy" 'the fuck out,' like the front door lady tells you, who is not able to strip due to some inexplicable reason that night (Pending medical results? Your guess is as good as mine).

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lynncoyle1 post-highly recommended. @beeyou wrote a post about watermelon nipples, @davemccoy about tight asses, @abh12345 about hot balls, and @profanereviews about dicks. @doomsdaychassis (all of his posts are funny) and I tag @steembirds @dan-atstarlite @jaybird @markymark @fulltimegeek

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Thanks for the shout-out! So nice of you to do that :)

This sounds nothing like the one where I used to work.

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Hey lynncoyle1, every has to earn their scholarship somehow, right? Lol that's a terrible joke. I made a couple of people laugh, was going for the high brow national geographic documentary angle here in my one maybe two trips into one of these fine establishments. A few people got the snobbish humor, many have not, which has made me laugh my ass off, but very few others. Thanks for commenting, enjoy the summer!

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haha that is a good joke, mostly because I was bs'ing and have never worked at a strip club lol

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You got a 43.97% upvote from @luckyvotes courtesy of @cryptkeeper17!

Hmm Seems we have a theme going...

Alright @fulltimegeek, show us your naughty bits (Don't shoot the messenger, @cryptkeeper17 nominated you)

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Hey @cryptkeeper17, Congratulations! Bodzila just upvoted your post with 35.48% power. Keep up the good work!

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It is like my childhood all over again.

Is that you, Dad?

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ha ha if so...

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lol... I wish I could go back to those days... Do you remember how fun that was when you had no real worries in the world? Omgosh, I will take the occasional grounding to be able to play all day and hang out with cool people... And good post btw, you did great... I'm glad you got the award from the comedy channel for it ;)

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Yeah very well put ilpp, thanks for the support. It's one of the rare times here on steemit you see an opinion that is a complete joke, and that's a good thing! Yeah those days don't seem like that long ago, but to look at how long ago they were I am amazed. If I had it to do all over again, I would do it almost exactly the same, except try to be a little more disciplined and enjoy it a little more, not much at all different otherwise though. Great point, I could comment on this all day.

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The funny thing is that I am much older than you and I still feel that in some ways it wasn't that long ago... I see that I am getting close to my 40th class reunion in high school though and I think omgosh I did get that old... My body feels it, but my mind still could go back and have a blast! And yes, we could all do a few things differently, but at the end of the day it was all a great time (even with the flaws and all) ;)

ps... nice job on your emperor, I didn't know he is giving a good vote again!

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you received an up vote from danlupi with voting power of 91.68%. Estimated dollar amount of $2.94

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The force is with you! You got a 50.00% upvote from @steemyoda courtesy of @ilovepoorpeople!

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Thank you so much for using our service! You were protected from up to 20% losses!

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You just received 10.37% upvote from @onlyprofitbot courtesy of @ilovepoorpeople!

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You got a 100.00% upvote from @payforplay! Please consider delegating steem power to @payforplay. We are currently sharing 100% of our profits with our delegators. That's correct, 100%! It doesn't get better than that. It is essentially running your own bid bot without doing any of the work. Steem power can be delegated here: https://steembottracker.com/delegation.html

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you received an up vote from danlupi with voting power of 16.37%. Estimated dollar amount of $0.52

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you received an up vote from danlupi with voting power of 98.23%. Estimated dollar amount of $3.15

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Hey @cryptkeeper17, Congratulations! Bodzila just upvoted your post with 29.76% power. Keep up the good work!

Delegate your Steem Power to @Bodzila & Earn 80% Weekly returns based on your share. You can cancel delegation of your SP at anytime as the money & power remain in your hands only.

Any queries or required support can be discussed in person. Join our discord channel https://discord.me/SteemBulls

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Hey @cryptkeeper17, Congratulations! Bodzila just upvoted your post with 32.10% power. Keep up the good work!

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seems legit and with your handle it speaks well of trusting you with all my stripper money and that you will be a "Bottom Line Guy." or Gal or thingie whatever designation you may want,

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Yep I'm all dude maverick, thanks for stopping by, and yes on my best days I was bottom line guy. Though on some of the more less distinguished days I may have been all the others, some of them rolled into one, in short bursts. Thanks for commenting!

This seems like debauchery and I will have no part in it!

I'm a refined and married man, I'll have you know.

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Ha ha, luckily I have never crossed paths with ''your circle of friends'' in my travels sir. Yeah this was really sarcastic, high brow, kind of a national geographic documentary style snobbish humor here. Very few people got it, which makes it even more funny in my book, but I am glad you did.

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haha... as long as it was funny in your book @cryptkeeper17, then it must be funny. It doesn't matter if anyone is on the same planet as you, it only matters that you see happiness in your artistic and talented mind. If you're happy being the first in the world steemit strip club reviewer, then I think it is a noble profession. I wish you lots of luck and will be following your exposes too! ps.. make sure to include lots of pics next time :P

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The force is with you! You got a 33.33% upvote from @steemyoda courtesy of @unleashpower!

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You got a 100.00% upvote from @payforplay! Please consider delegating steem power to @payforplay. We are currently sharing 100% of our profits with our delegators. That's correct, 100%! It doesn't get better than that. It is essentially running your own bid bot without doing any of the work. Steem power can be delegated here: https://steembottracker.com/delegation.html

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And here I am, never having visited a strip club....

Now you talking my laguage. Lol. All of that was so true. Also for the record strippers are some of the nastiest beings on the planet. Their cars are usually disgusting also. Everytime I work on a car I could tell you if it is a strippers car. I guess I would be classified into the eyes on the prize guy. Sometimes fell onto the fight guy. On a side note catfights at a strip club are super confusing. Usually you are yelling for the girls to tear each other's cloths off but they are already naked. It is like the quietest crowd you will ever see. Just a bunch of dudes standing there having the best day of their lives. Lol

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Yes I too have been all of them actually at some point while being there, sometimes several of them within brief moments. Never caught a catfight though, that would be amazing, even if were staged, and poorly staged at that. I guess the announcer shouldn't have thought he could get away with dating them both. BTW there must be a pretty heavy duty protocol to work on a car like that when it's nasty, the PPE manual needs to include that.

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My oldest daughters god father is a huge man. Like seriously almost 7 foot tall and 450 lbs. He worked at a lot of the clubs and bars around town and dated a couple dancers . He use to tell stories about how nasty those bitches were backstage.

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Whoa forbidden access, it's like visiting Mickey Mouse during a commercial break!

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Only to find out mickey is a chain smoking , alcoholic, pedo.

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This is done in perfect @cryptkeeper17 style! :P ... I know nothing about any of this subject since I was just born yesterday, but I'm glad to know what a awesome experience it would be to attend them...

I will say I have heard about one experience you can add, the bachelor party group, I have heard they are known to include all your guys plus have a few other new stories too ;)

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Ha ha yeah I am glad to introduce you to this subculture @davemccoy...right. I did more the micro study of strip club and not so much the macro.

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@cryptkeeper17 yes you did a great job of opening my eyes... I wouldn't know what goes on in those places, so I'm glad you could give me some of the knowledge from your research! And if you ever go to the dudes club, don't enlighten me... Not interested at all :P

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Well damn, I can't help but feel you're a striper 😝

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haha absolutely not. After a while I just picked up their disgust after I handed them my money after several hundred case studies.

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This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
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Thanks a lot c-squared community!