Luxury item "unboxing"... "unpackaging?" (Comedy Open Mic Round 23)

It was Amazon Prime Day and the price was right, so I bought: underwear.
Rated TSFW (totally safe for work).
Little did I know that I had bought the next greatest thing in undergarments, so I figured that you would all want to share in this exclusive experience.

Honestly, I thought I had bought the wrong type of item when I read the box and it said 2 pouch underwear... keeps a man's intimate areas comfortably separated.
2 pouch?
Are a man's balls not allowed to touch anymore?
Stick and ball segregation is where the 20th century has brought us?
At least they were smart in using Rubix Cubes as graphics for the lid, because the mental confusion is immediate and gets worse upon opening.
I'll be honest, I've bought Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs my entire life that come in a nice boring plastic bag.
No mystery required, it's men's underwear.
Not anymore.

There were 7 boxes inside of the box.
I've bought laptops, cellphones, and all sorts of electronics, and for those one box was always enough.
Not for 2-pouch underwear.
If you can't handle opening 8 boxes for 7 undergarments, then your balls don't deserve this experience.
My kitchen table is now completely covered with one (uneventful) week's worth of underwear.
EVERYDAY is printed multiple times around the waistband of each pair, so that in case you get tempted to free-ball it one day, you will feel immediate guilt and remorse.

Each pair of briefs, once extricated from its safe little box, sports more tags than an Alpine ski coat, which inform you that this is not just cotton: this is super cotton
Let's make underwear great again, folks.
Speaking of super underwear, I visited the company website for these briefs and aside from some pictures of ordinary every day usage, such as mooring one's boat in one's britches, I encountered the special mascots for these underwear: "Jimmy and Oddball."
I may never get the GIF out of my head.
Here, you try.

I have a LOT of questions for whoever's "jimmy" can perform that dancing number.
At this point, I became aware of two things:

1. I clearly don't read things very carefully before I buy them. So much for relying on masses of Amazon stars for navigational guidance.
2. I was into a whole new level of witchcraft that I hadn't properly prepared for.

Time to read the boxes inside of the box.
Like most men, I abhor instructions, but when it comes to how to work my underwear, I don't want to find out from someone else that I am doing it wrong.

This company is happy as long as my balls are happy.
When your balls are happy, then of course the natural thing to do is share this with your family.
Boy, this gives me so many more un-answered questions.
Let's see what the other side says.

Okay... I guess this follows naturally from the statement on the previous side....
But does this company really have a department that is concerned if my balls are unhappy?
What sort of training guidelines do they have to "put a smile back on my face?"
I'm not sure that I want to know... ok I lied, I'm probably going to email them and see what happens.
Well, the boxers were all un-boxed, and it looked like Christmas in July.

Honestly, I hadn't given 2 pouch technology too much deep thought at this point, so the only thing that made these look different from any other pair of briefs at surface glance was the iridescent sheen of the waist-band.
Perhaps this is now the male equivalent of a woman's G-string peeking over the top of her pants.
When a prospective mate sees the shimmer of EVERYDAY briefs glimmering from across the gym, then he/she knows that something special is going on inside of those shorts.

Okay, so then I tried a pair on.
No more pictures folks, from here on out imagination is required.
I did the obvious first move, and reached for my junk.
It wasn't there.
Well, more specifically, the window through which I have always had access, was gone.
My first thought was that I had put them on backwards, but no, not that.
Defective? Hang on, why was I getting a draft up my "jimmy?"
It turns out that 2-pouch means that there is a vertical "chute" traveling down the face of the briefs which ends somewhere between your legs.
Alright, ergonomically I suppose that makes sense, but please refer to this professional diagram for an exposé of said armaments being battle-tested.

I think that we are in a generation that loves to think we can finally evolve past all the erroneous ways of our forebears, and since democracy and human rights are too hard, we've settled for underwear.
Let me postulate another scenario.
I have had a couple of sexual encounters where a lovely young woman was unzipping my pants and manipulating the "common-sense" side-to-side flap of my boxer briefs.
Now, what if that traditional window, which both sexes are comfortable in navigating, is replaced by "rear-access" underwear?
What if said sexual partner reaches into my pants, finds no access window, and thinks to herself, "well this idiot can't even put his underwear on facing the right direction: clearly I misread him."
And, would that mean that we need to have warnings on our dating profiles: "if dates lead to a sexual encounter, please be warned that my equipment lacks front access?"
I will finish with a link to the very first "blog post" on the Separatec company website, which lists the reasons why, in fact, no man should go commando, listing reasons of hygiene, "ball-support" and potential embarrassment.
https://separatec.com/blogs/st-news/still-going-commando-men-should-wear-underwear

Do you have pencil, paper, and a thought in your head? Then you can cartoon!
Be sure to enter my weekly cartooning contest #cartoon-off. Otherwise, try to stop by and support the talented contributing cartoonists!
https://steemit.com/cartoon-off/@corpsvalues/first-weekly-cartoon-contest-cartoon-off

I almost forgot! My #comedyopenmic nominations are @linnyplant, who never ceases to make me laugh, most importantly at myself.
and @nonameslefttouse whom I hear is excellent and awesome.