Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Brainstorming Diaries. Comedy Open Mic Round #45

Boardroom at Murakami-Wolf-Swenson circa 1984

CEO:
We need something different, something original, something out there. None of you genius's have given me anything good since Captain Planet and James Bond Junior.And even they were crap. The company is on its knees and we need something fast or we're all gonna be out of a job. We have one last throw of the dice here . If our next cartoon fails we are done for. There are 12 of the most creative minds in the business in this boardroom. Surely you can come up with something??

Silence

God dam it do I have to do everything myself?
None of you are leaving here until you give me a good idea for a new show. Audrey, that small French company we partnered up with to produce All Dogs Go to Heaven, are there any of those cheese eating surrender monkeys still in the building?

Yes sir, two of them but we moved them to the basement because they smelt of weed and must. One of them was found licking a cube in the urinal thinking it was a citrus salad.They just spend their time in tears laughing all day so we had to move them to somewhere more discreet until they finish 'ADGTH'.

Maybe a urinal cube licker is what we need around here. Bring them in.

10 minutes later.

Welcome Francois and Jean-Paul, we are happy to have you with us. At the moment we are brainstorming for our next new project but we need some extra creativity. We would love you to participate?

Oui Oui no problem but I have to admit we were not prepared pour this as we have been out of le picture for some time. Jean- Paul est feeling a bit under le wed-deer.

Under the weather? Is he sick or does he just enjoy feeling Frank's beard? Frank, do you even know him? Stop letting him feel your beard!

No Sir and Jean Paul would you kindly desist from pruning my beard.

Soc le bleu Jean Paul. Stop it.Termine Termine. C'est un homme Jean Paul. Il n'est pas un chien. Merdddeeee!

Je suis desoleé Monsieur Bernard

Jean-Paul is at his most creative when he takes le acid.

Acid? Interesting. I know Jobs came up with the mac on acid. Maybe there could be something in this.

Rings PA

Alice this is a strange one but we need 11 stamps of acid urgently
Yes that's what I said
No I am not joking.
Alice in your interview you told me you could sell sand to the arabs and source uranium from Mozambique.
Just find a dealer and get me 11 stamps of fucking acid. Time is money Alice. That ex boyfriend of yours was on it. Ask him.

Alright people if you can't give me any good ideas we're all gonna have to go on a little trip to creativityville. You guys got me into this mess so you are getting me out of it. I will be on hand to take notes and to ensure that noone pokes their eyeballs out.

A Stamp of Acid Taken By All Senior Board Members Later.

So guys throw me some ideas.

Monica put your skirt back on.

Jeff tweaking your nipples is not gonna be inspiration for a great cartoon.

Peter stay away from the aquarium.

Why can't we do a cartoon with those little fellas?

What little fella's Peter?

Those tortoises.

They are fucking turtles Peter.

Whatever they are. One guy is hiding behind that little fake rock like a ninja waiting to pounce.

Stay away from Dexter Peter. I've had him for 13 years.

Here turty turty turty!.

OWWW THE NINJA TORTOISE JUST BIT MY FINGER!!
GET HIM OFF ME!!

Voilllaaa
C'est perfeeeect!. Teenage Ninja Turtle! Nous avons our cartoon.

Interesting Jean Paul. But it doesn't have much debth.
4 of them is more depth.

OK we have 4 Teenage Ninja Turtles.

So do they all have ninja weapons like ninja stars?

Fuck non, we give them different lethal weapons

Like what?

A sword , a pole. deux non-chucks et deux forks.

Stick un little colored band around their eyes so we can differentiate between them.

*OK we have something here.
What will we call them?
Something old, Napoleon?

No that has been done with Battletoads.

Machiavelli?
Maybe..

Francois what do you think?
My four favourite Renaissance artists Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelanglo.

Hmmm interesting. Leonardo leads.I want a sarcastic one and a brainy one who does machines.

We need a few vilians?*
Is anyone having a bad trip???
Brad are you OK?

HE IS AFTER ME!!! HELLLPPPPP!!!

Who is Brad?

A ROBOT CALLED KRANG WITH A BRAIN IN ITS BELLY.
THE BRAIN HAS TENTACLES. NOOOOOOOO.
ITS A FREAKSHOW ARRRGHHHHH.

HE LIVES IN A PLACE CALLED DIMENSION X IN THIS GIANT VEHICLE WITH AN EYE ON TOP OF IT CALLED A TECHODROME ARRRGHHHHH

Jesus Brad how many stamps of acid did you take?
*Alice, make sure Brad doesn't do anything stupid.

Jessica how are you doing?

I LIVE BESIDE A ZOO AND THE RHINO AND WARTHOG HAVE COME ALIVE AND KIDNAPPED ME

ACID IS BAD FOR ME.

THEY ARE DRIVING SOME KIND OF DRILL LIKE CAR CALLED A ....
Called a what Jessica?
A MODULEEEEE......
Where are they bringing you Jessica?
I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T THINK THEY ARE ALL THERE.

Jesus this is really out there.
How you doing now Brad is the brain still chasing you?
NO THE BRAIN SENT SOME GUY CALLED SHREDDER AFTER ME!!

Who is Shredder when he is at home?

A HUMAN LIKE CHARACTER WITH A MASK THAT KNOWS MARTIAL ARTS ARRRGGGGHHHHH. HE'S GOOD AT KARATE AND HE IS KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. HE HAS BLADES ON HIS ARM AND THEY ARE PIERCING MY SKIN. GET HIM AWAY FROM ME.

Hang on in there Brad. This is good stuff. Right we better go back to the good trips.

Jean Paul where do the turtles live?

Le sewer of course.

What do they eat?

They love pizza.

Pizza eh?
And who keeps them?

Oh thats easy, a giant rat called Master Splinter
He trains them and makes them mean green fighting machines. Did I tell you they were mutant human size turtles?


No you did not Jean Paul but it is interesting. Very Interesting!

*We need a heroin. What you got for me Jeff?
April O Neill . She's a reporter with a sexy yellow jumpsuit that befriends the turtles. She has an annoying co worker called Vernon who between me and you is a bit of a kiddy fiddler.

Vernon eh? We will relax with the paedo reference. We should give them a grumpy old boss and a nerdy assistant like Erma in accounts.

So let us see where we are!
We have 4 turtles with a rat as their leader living in a sewer. They like pizza and carry lethal weapons. They have a girlfriend called April O Neill.Their enemy lives in another dimension called Krang.He is a pink brain with tentacles and lives in the belly of a robot.They live in a massive death star like vehicle called the technodrome with an eye on top of it like a weird submarine. Krangs understudy is a bloke called shredder and we also have two animals from the zoo called Bebop and Rocksteady going around in a car that looks like a drill bit. Is this some kind of sick crazy joke?? I have to say. It sounds so crazy it might take off. Kids will watch anything these days.

IN FACT THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING. PRODUCTION STARTS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. YOU GUYS ENJOY THE COMEDOWN AND TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF. SOMEONE KEEP AN EYE ON BRAD. I THINK SHREDDER IS STILL BEATING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HIM AND NOW HE IS BLEATING ON ABOUT SOME FOOT SOLDIERS AND A FLY CALLED BAXTER STOCKMAN??

ALICE INCLUDE IN THE MINUTES ON MY OWN PERSONAL REQUEST.I WANT A BLIMP AS THEIR MEANS OF TRANSPORT.I DON'T CARE HOW OFF KILTER WITH THE STORY IT IS. PUT A TURTLE BLIMP IN! I FUCKING LOVE A GOOD BLIMPS.

Nomination is @shithousery @lucylin aka downfall as per usual.