Writing Rules, Because I Say It Does! [Comedy Open Mic – Round 10]

Be warned: This post is literally dirty. Proceed at own risk.

As writers over on @thewritersblock Discord server, we’re taught the rules and mechanics of the craft, knowing that one day, we’ll know them well enough to know how to break them. Why else does anyone learn rules, why else would we want rules?

^{I’ve just broken three writing rules up there: clunky sentence, word echoing, and comma splicing.}

But before we set off on this long and erroneous journey to discovering the terrors and unraveling the mysteries that are the mechanics of writing, we wonder what these things are.

^{And other rule broken: using italics and not trusting the words or the reader. I don’t trust any of you!}

So we’ll get into them with this short piece:

It started on a dark and stormy night. I woke to the sound of birds chirping and the tomfoolery that accompanies spring. Well, it’s not like I have anything better to do, so I might as well get up.

^{Did you notice which rules I broke there? I started the first line with the weather. NO-NO! To add salt to the literary wound, I followed with my character waking up! What sacrilege is this?! Also note that I broke point-of-view (abbr. to POV). Not just that, the setting is inconsistent! It’s supposed to be dark and stormy! How could my character hear birds chirping, and why would they be?! And I’ve used way too many exclamation marks now!}

So off my bed I got, and slogged down the stairs.

“Good morning!” I ejaculated to my wife. She was frying bacon. Yummy!

^{Yip, you guessed it: more broken rules! Two exclamation marks in one sentence?! Heresy! And that dialogue tag. What in the world sort of setting did I paint there for the readers?! Bonus points if you can find the “Tell” I was supposed to “Show.” And don’t forget the weird Yoda-inspired sentence structure. The Shwarts is not strong with this opening.}

She forgot the gas was on and turned around to greet me back. “Morning!” she said, but was interrupted by her apron catching fire and soon burnt to a crisp. She collapsed to the ground. I ran to her. I held her and whispered as I grit the bullet between my teeth, “and that bacon smelled so good,” before she took her last breath.

^{As this is literally blasphemy, I’m tempted to throw the entire thing away. But I will be strong and show the broken rules in it first. Where to start? With the break of POV by inserting what the wife forgot, what the character couldn’t possibly know? First, let’s switch to normal-sized text, as this will get long...}

Welcome back! Now, let’s tackle the broken rules in the paragraph above. Deep breaths. It’ll be over with soon…

Alright, before we hyperventilate, let’s break down this monstrosity. Firstly, we have two people speaking in the same paragraph. This can confuse the reader into thinking the character has two heads and it’s talking to itself. Though, even if the character is a two-headed etin or even a hydra, the speech of the different heads should not be in one paragraph. But doesn’t that make it a monologue? Well, that would depend if they use a single brain and…

I’m digressing, but also not. This leads to the second point: world-building! The gas is on and the apron catches fire? Is it a flaming apron? How the fuck? Yes, needs to be better world-building. Or better phrasing. Also, humans don’t burn to a crisp so quickly, and how was he able to hold her in his arms? That must be hot as Hell! How did she survive being burned to a crisp long enough to hear his last words? Such broken. Much what.

On that note, I used a cliché but absolutely mutilated it. Yeah, don’t do that. Spinning clichés into new ways is cool, but here I butchered it in an attempt to be original. It wasn’t very effective.

As he held her to his breast, he cried and sobbed. Then he woke up, finding his wife dreaming peacefully—and alive—beside him.

The End

^{Wait, what? It was all a dream? None of it was real? All that emotion and suspense, the struggle and investment in the characters, and it was just a fucking figment of his overactive subconscious imagination? “Screw you!” they will say. Don’t resolve with something quick and lazy. A cheap thrill is an expensive kill… of the reader’s attention to your work. By the way, what the Hell was the bloody character arc or plot of this pitiful excuse for a story?!}

And the number one rule of all of this: don’t break the flow of reading! Readers have attentions spans shorter than that of the proverbial goldfish these days. So if I lose them in that thick jungle of writing I forced with luck to get under their noses, then tough. They’re gone. Forever. Eaten by the very monstrosity I just created.

There are many writing rules hovering with the dust particles in the air, waiting for the sunlight to hit them at just the right angle so that everyone can gawk and scold. But I’m not a gawker, not publicly at least. Just, don’t create any more monsters. The world has enough of them, and they’re infiltrating our world leadership! Stop the invasion!

Now, go forth and splice that octopus juice with the mutilated tree corpses so that everyone can enjoy your artwork sans broken things!

^{Disclaimer: listen or don’t listen to any of this. Whatever, she said nonchalantly (eek, an adverb! Kill it dead!).}

What humourous monstrosities can @shadowspub and @thinknzombie summon forth to the Comedy Open Mic realm?

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^{Copyright © 2018 Anike Kirsten
All rights reserved.}

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