How to Communicate with Cat People [Comedy Open Mic – Round 8]

The sort of talk that follows might sound strange to non-cat people, and maybe even a tad hateful. But it’s not. This is how we speak endearing and loving things about our cats. You have to be a cat person to really understand that.

Don’t understand cat people at all? No worries. Inspired by @tinypaleokitchen’s ‘How To Talk To Dog People’ post, this one will help you communicate with and understand cat people a bit more...

I think.

In our household, the cat is part of the family. Which part of it, I’m not sure anyone knows. But he does. His name is Linux. Yes, after the kernel. He’s a bastard of a Russian Blue and a Tabby, and what a bastard he can be.

^{See that floofy pooch? That’s where he stores all his arseholeness. It hangs when he’s used up the arsehole mana for the day. Probably payback for the vasectomy.}

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Well, that’s enough loving about my cat. Let’s get down to cat business. Yes, the litter has been tossed out of the box again. sigh

1.

When you walk into the house and the cat freezes, giving you a death stare…

DON’T MOVE!

Don’t even breathe. He will dash away at the speed of light and not come out until you’re gone. That’s a whole few hours of not having my cat on my lap.

2.

That death stare? Yeah, our cats taught us that. Do anything wrong and you will get it from both species, making your visit uncomfortable and lowering your chances of survival.

3.

Oh, he’s rubbing himself against your leg? That’s cute. Doesn’t mean he likes you, though. He likes me! Probably only after a treat. Don’t you dare bend over to pet him. death stare

4.

Cat people are insecure when it comes to their cats showing attention to anyone else. This is normal. That knife we hold until our knuckles whiten is just a show of how much we love our feline overlords.

5.

We talk to our cats. And yes, we understand each other. Don’t interrupt with your feeble attempt to speak the Lord and Master’s language. He’ll just flick his ears and dart out of the room. Great, another hour without him on my lap.

6.

Fur coats are a big thing in fashion, and our Masters lovingly convert all our clothes and furniture into furr-niture. If you find yours in the process of conversion, be appreciative, not disgusted. He has deemed you worthy to carry the mark of the Feline. Flaunt it.

7.

We learn from the best and those who influence our lives the most. With cat people, these are our cats. As a result, our humour is crass and a tad cruel. We’re also indifferent and nonchalant. It’s how we dominate the world. Deal with it, or join in on the fun.

8.

Don’t touch us. Unless we touch you first. Just like our cat-idols, we don’t want nonconsensual touch or attention. Fuck off. No, stay, please? Don’t touch me! Wait, maybe just a little bit on the head.

9.

Yes, we do love to talk about our Overlords a lot. Can you blame us? Their indifference is so adorable and you just can’t resist trying everything to get their attention. So smile and nod, saying the occasional “ooh” and “ahh” when we go on a ramble.

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Nine tips for nine lives. Hopefully this will allow you to keep all your lives when communicating with cat people. Maybe you even understand why we talk about our cats in this way now. If not, just think of “arsehole” being another word for “precious” and “bastard” another for “loveball”. This translation will make dealing with cat people even more indifferent than before. Yes, that’s possible with cat people.

I wonder if @nostone-unturned and @alheath are cat people who will grace us with their humour?

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