Lost in Translation - Comedy Open Mic Round 10 Entry 2

I'm a pretty clumsy person, one time my girlfriend and I were drunk and I asked her for a blowjob and so idiotically put the condom on before she started blowing, the result was very unsettling.

Source 1

Does that count as a good blowjob? Nonetheless, I had to take her to the hospital because she was having problems breathing, bare in mind I was an Iraqi who recently turned 17 at the time and I wasn't exactly an expert of the English language what each word meant, I'm saying because despite us living in Dubai at the time the doctor in the hospital was American, and I didn't know for either "Penis" or "Condom", So when the doctor asked about what happened I said "Oh she choked on a peanuts bag"

Confused by what I told him the doctor ordered an X-ray to see what's inside her, because she ended up swallowing the condom, which is with all things considered definitely answers the question with yes, that was a good blowjob. But there I was waiting for her in the waiting room along with her father, who came in with the understanding that it was a simple case of just choking on something, and not a drug smuggling inspired blowjob. So when the doctor with the X-ray and told him what was in his daughter's stomach naturally he looked at me like this

And me having forgotten for a second what it was before the doctor came

Coming out of the hospital after the girl's father gave me a treatment that would usually result in someone going INTO the hospital I realized that where I went wrong, however it reminded of the other times I mixed up the two words.

See, more than a year before that incident me and my family were immigrating to the U.S where my father was already waiting for us. We went through check-ins and the security asked us about a big black plastic bag that my sister was holding, the bag was of course of peanuts, which my older sister makes with special sour taste and my dad really likes. So when the security asked what was in the bag, me being the only person that speaks English in my family I answered "Oh this bag is filled with roasted penises"
The Security guard:

Taking a minute to grasp what I said, the guard continued:
Security: Wait, you roasted penises in that bag?
Me: Yeah, my sister always goes on the market and comes back with the best penises, she's known for that in our area.
Security: Okay, weird thing to brag about.
Me: Not at all, it's pretty common, it was actually my dad's idea originally.
Security: Your dad's idea?
Me: Yeah, my dad just LOVES sucking on those sour penises, before swallowing them. He does that every other night.
Security: Must have been weird for you.
Me: No, sometimes I'd even join him, in fact before he came here, the entire family was sitting at the house doing it with him, my uncles, my aunts, even my grandmother.
Security: Your grandmother?
Me: Yeah, she lost most of her teeth so she mainly sucks on them only.
Security: How is she?
Me: 83
Security: Isn't she a bit old for that?
Me: Not at all, in fact she's probably working on my uncles penises as we speak
Security:

I wasn't sure till now why we spent that night in jail.

Gif Sources
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