Logic Vs Balls - Comedy Open Mic Round 30 Entry 1

As an Arab male (Something that apparently I need to identify now) I grew up travelling between Arab countries. One thing that was clear to me is that I wasn’t ever a “real man”, at least not by Arab standards. I can’t grow proper beard, my name is Amir, which serves as a mere pun most of the time. It’s also the Arabic word for prince, I wasn’t even a man enough to be a king.

But life with an Arab man label is pretty hard. I often find myself having to show my manhood (not like that) where I can't do that. I mean the manliest thing about me is that sometimes I watch brutal porn. And I don't even finish it, yes mostly because I finish before it does. But also because I just don't have enough balls (Metaphorically speaking of course, physically I have one ball like everyone else). Very often I feel scared at simple question like "Have you left the house yet?" when I'm about to head out somewhere. My answer is always "Yes, I'm halfway through" when I haven't even left the house. Like why is that even scary? Like fuck you I'm still at home in my underwear wishing that Alexis makes it to the finales of the bachelor. Why do I need to put myself in these situations? I mean It's kinda hard showering, putting clothes on, getting a cab, haggle about the price, then make it in time for my "Halfway through" answer to be believed. The result is; I'm always late. Had I said I was at home, I'd have arrived just in time.

I know I'm not manly because of how often I use brain, not saying that manly men don't do that. It's just a manly man would jump into a group of 7 muscly guys if they were harassing his girlfriend, what I'd do is asses the situation. What are the odds of me beating them up? Yeah, yeah I know 7 to 1, not what I meant. I'm just not going to win this one, and all the end result will be is my ass getting beat and the 7 guys would carry on what they were doing while being pisses because of me. Not saying that harassment can be good, but if it was done by angry people that's worst, right? Don't get me wrong it's not that I wouldn't stand up for my girl if it was one anorexic guy whose height 165 CM. Hell, i'd actually jump up on those 7 guys if I saw the police near by and knew for sure they'll be there in time. But till then, maybe let's just hang at home.

The problem with being a logical man rather than a "manly man" is your encounter with those men looking to show off their manhood (Again, not like that. Actually I don't know, maybe). My problem is I'm both a logical man and a comedian, a recipe for disaster at confrontations. Just the other day I was on facebook passing through people either showing off their new Nike shoes or burning the ones they have already. When I came across this girl's picture and said she looked beautiful and her dress looked like one my mother used to have, all the sudden her boyfriend comments "Stop flirting with my girl" to which I replied "If I was flirting do you think I'd bring up my mother?". Suddenly I got a private message from him, which I'd say I was happy about it. No one ever messages me. But he said "Hello man stop trying to fuck my girl or I'll fuck you up you're nothing but a horny dog" Which first of all, it's kinda nice seeing people starting with "Hello" instead of just jumping right into the threat and insult. Anyway that's where that logical part of my brain kicked and I said "Well, if I'm trying to fuck her and I am a horny dog. Wouldn't that technically make her a bitch?".

I am not actually calling her a bitch, just pointing out the fallacy of what he said because a female dog is also referred to as a bitch. Plus why do I have to be a horny something else? Why can't I just be a horny human? Either why he carried on and wrote me "Where do you live?" To which I replied "Why do you ask?" and he explained "So I can come and kick your ass". Why would I voluntarily give him that information after he made it clear what his intentions were? That guy would make a lousy villain. Just imagine him as the big bad wolf in little red riding hood "Hey where does your grandmother live?" Why? "So I can eat her and wear her clothes". So obviously I didn't tell him where I live so his solution was telling me to meet him at Karbala, which is a place that's three hours away from where I live and would cost me about 100$ to get there and back. Why? So he can kick my ass. So basically I'd waste seven hours of my day, one of them would be getting my ass kicked, AND spend 100$ in the process. Sounds like a horrible investment idea. And why would I put such an effort into my own humiliation? That whole message exchange ended up with him saying "Go fuck your mother" which I'm guessing he said because he was angry and not because he wanted me to spend quality time with my mother.

I guess he expected me to either give him my address or meet him somewhere far because that's what they do. I remember getting beat up at school when I was 9 and went home and my father said "You're finally a man now" and he was so proud of me, the only time he was proud ever!. That's what it takes? Two of my teeth and half my hair pulled is what it takes to be a man? I don't even know if that's setting the bar too high or too low. I mean it's getting your ass kicked, not sure if it should be an every day activity. Or even a weekly thing. "Hey what are your plans for the weekend?" Well, I'm glad you asked I'm getting my ass kicked. It made my dad proud and GOD do I need approval.

Growing up the advice I'd always get is "Man up" or in case I was seeking advises to date girls it would be "show her that you're a man" The latter is an awful advice to give to a stupid teenager, because all it resulted to is me walking around the mall with my pants down. So unless you want to see your son/nephew/friend in a police station for public indecency, don't give that advice. I remember in primary and high school whenever someone was questioned about how much of a man they were, they'd end up showing their dicks to everyone. And I don't know why some people kept doing it, did they like seeing other boys' dicks? For me every time someone in school would show their dick I'd have two thoughts; 1- What a horrendous sight, and looking at the size 2- That man wouldn't cut it in born. I think through my teenage years I have seen around 100 dicks. Which is a very high number of dicks for teenager to see. Well, unless you're a regular visitor to the catholic church.

In Summary

Force of habit, I don't actually have a summary for this thing. I don't know maybe don't show your dick if you're a guy, or a girl. Especially if you're a girl, I know it's kinda sexist but I'm an old fashioned guy, I don't think girls should be flaunting their dicks. Yes I am a virgin, why you ask? As I said, there's no real summary here. In the end I'm just a man trying to survive in the world of balls.


I nominate @llfarms to post..... Oh she actually did. I guess I nominate @berniesanders and @traf along with their dicks.

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I always had a problem with being funny and small. The girls would tell their boyfriends how funny I was and the boyfriends would try to beat me up for making their girls laugh.

For me it didn't make sense. I never got to have sex with the girls and would still get my ass kicked.

I learned to keep my mouth shut.

It's an eternal struggle. Because halfway through knowing you'd get your ass kicked you really don't want to lose the intellectual battle as well.

Personally I just learned to take a punch.

Well, I learned that from my great-grandfather. He was a hard man.

Can you believe gentle bot upvoted my comment about sex and violence?

Hi amirtheawesome1,

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I upvoted your post.

Thank you.

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@amirtheawesome1, I’m glad you entered - It just didn’t feel the same without seeing you!

I heard it really well recently, it went like this: comics say funny things. Comedians say things funny!

Thank you. Been having less and less time on steemit.

I should try to say funny things. Nah. I’m good

upvoted from the whaleshares show!

I see that the whaleshares have sent their regards.

Thank you :)

Good piece of comedy writing! Thanks for giving us some laughs!

No, THANK YOU for your nice comment :)

You've got a knack for writing good comedy. Thanks for the laughs!

Somehow it seems counterintuitive for boys to be showing each other their dicks if they're hoping to be man enough to attract the girls. 🤔 Mind you, shoeing the girls might have really gotten them into trouble.

If your dick ain't showing, your manhood ain't growing.