Ghosts and Monsters of Baghdad Part 1/3 - Comedy Open Mic Round 35 Entry 1

The following is a non-fiction story that occurred in a fully fictional world. No ghosts, zombies, werewolves, vampires, or Indians were harmed in the making of this post. A very special thanks to the Olsen twins, Zack and Cody, Tom Cruise, Fortnite player Ninja, Angelina Jolie, and all the others who have nothing to do with this.

It was 11:58 PM on a dark cold Saturday night, I remember the time because I avoided using the actual time which was 2:30 AM because I didn't know whether to say Saturday night, Sunday morning, or Sunday night. I had just had a fight with my girlfriend she criticized the way I write stories and said I focus too much on unimportant details. So I decided to infuriate her by having the last three pills she had in her purse then leave the house and go for a walk in anger after she said that I was horrible at describing people's appearances despite writing so many words to do so. Halfway through my walk I saw a crying girl standing by the shore, she had legs that went all the way up to the bottom of her torso, and arms that had elbows.

With caution I approached her asking why she was crying. "He died right here" She said "All his fault was doing his work for payment" As she continued to weep I knew what she was talking about, there was an explosion that happened three days ago, the poor guy must have died in it. "What did he do?" I asked hoping to consult her, "Oh, he's a freelancer" she replied, her words rang through my head like ringing bell inside a head. "Photography?" I asked, "No" She replied "He gets paid by isis to plant bombs" She continued with tears in her eyes "The bomb went off before he planted it, he didn't do anything wrong! It was a manufacturing error". I tried to put a smile on the face of a widow who's horrible at spotting irony. "Well, he must be in heaven with 72 virgins now" I said with a smile. "Yeah" She replied "That's what a grieving woman wants to hear, her husband fucking 72 other women".

I decided to leave her alone as I obviously wasn't being much of a help. After walking away for thirty seconds I looked back at her only to see that a man showed up out of nowhere and was trying to hug her from behind. He had the type of shoes that you'd wear on your feet with a mustache that grows on the face. His attempts to hold her went by with no avail as his hands would go through her like something going through another thing. I then realized it, my girlfriend was right about me; I was horrible at describing events. Also that this was her husband. He realized that I could see him and looked at me with his burned face, his face looked unrecognizable like a girl's vagina after a BDSM gang bang with black guys. He didn't say anything, he only pointed to a forest near by. The forest huge palm trees, and a volume of grass that you'd only see on man-hating extreme feminist armpit.

I don't know why, but I decided to go into the forest. As I walked through the trees in a field high grass I spotted a creature of some sort, it was 12 foot tall, maybe 10, I don't know, I'm not an American so I use the metric system like the rest of the normal world. It had 4 arms with wings matching in numbers, and claws that looked as extreme as Doritos

It slowly started walking toward me, holding the body of a decapitated man in one arm and a bowl of melted cheese in the others, I guess the taste of raw human flesh needs flavor from time to time. There it was standing before me, "What are you doing here?" It asked angrily. "A dead guy's ghost looked at me and pointed toward this place" I replied. "Goddamn it! That asshole has been doing that for three days straight! Can't a chelonian get a break?". After that he gestured me to keep going but I stood still, I was afraid that Chelonian would devour me once I turned my head but the Chelonian said "You think I'd rather drop the meal I'm already having just to chase you around and chase you around? Of course not, I'm already HAVING a meal. Plus your fat ass would ruin my diet and I'm watching my weight, which I suggest you do the same". It was reassuring to hear that, although admittedly it definitely could have used less cutting words....

I kept walking through the forest for twenty minutes before I was suddenly attacked from behind and was chloroformed and passed out. When I woke up I was naked with a stitched up cut on my stomach and had a steel collar around my neck tying to wall through a long chain. There was a little T.V next to me that was playing snow, I was as terrified as that one time I let my girlfriend pick the comedy we'd watch and the choices included 3 Adam Sandler movies. The T.V started playing something.

"I want to play a game" The masked person said "The collar around your waist is set to detonate in 3 minutes, the key to unlock it is inside". All I had to help me get the key was a knife, a long wooden stick and a coat hanger. Luckily I had a girlfriend who's very open sexually so I had a very wide asshole, I used the knife to make a hole through the wooden stick and attached the coat hanger through it and put it right into the place where the sun never shines, I have to admit though, it felt good a little bit. I reached the key from within and pulled it out then used it to unlock the collar. I stormed out of the place, naked and with the weirdest boner.

After I walked out of the room I found the masked man untying other people and telling them to leave. "Who are you?" I asked, "My name is Doctor Ahmed" He said "And I'm done trying to make people value their lives because after what I just saw I'm starting to devalue mine".
Me: Hold on! You'd have preferred I cut open my own stomach?
Dr. Ahmed: Yes, I'd really rather had you do that other than having the sit of a naked fat man sticking a coat hanger attached to a wooden stick through his ass.
Me: But a naked man cutting his own stomach is okay?
Dr. Ahmed: We're not all doctor Josef Heiter, okay? Some of us have limits, ones that don't go beyond your naked fat hair ass with a stick going through it.
Me: You know, the fat part isn't really significant to demonstrating your point.

Obviously my requests of having the word "fat" eliminated from the conversation to no avail. However, Dr. Ahmed did warn me that patients escaped from the Baghdad asylum near by and they could be notorious so I should be careful.

Me: You think they'd run from the asylum to the forest right behind? That doesn't make any sense.
Dr. Ahmed: Yeaah, because crazy people are known for their sane decisions, speaking of making sense, why are you here?
Me: Because the ghost of a terrorist who's too stupid to set a bomb properly told me to.

With fear and caution I preceded to leave the house, the fear of of being attacked by people who escaped the Asylum not knowing if I'll be alive or dead. I'm still not sure if I made it out alive or not and this happened last week.

End of part 1

I nominate @traf / @trafalgar