July 4th, 1994 - A day that changed my life

in comedy •  3 years ago 

July 4th, 1994...A day that will live in infamy

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It was a day that would change my life forever.

I remember I learned two valuable lessons that day.

Valuable lesson numero uno was that the word "sucker" sounded very similar to "fucker." What can I say? I was a simple 4 year old.


I was using the word in response to the fireworks that my father was setting off in our neighborhood. I said something to the effect of "Look at that sucker." Boy, karma has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass when you're trying to be malicious.

Valueable lesson numero dos was learned shortly thereafter. I went and sat on the porch next to my mom, who was smoking a cigarette. At some point, I got this crazy idea to give her a hug. I hugged her alright and I was also met with a cigarette in my right eyeball. Don't hug you mom when she is smoking or how about we all just quit smoking. It's not good for your health


My mother is a very anxious person so she didn't immediately take me to the hospital, hoping my wounds would just heal on their own. I don't blame her as the whole story sounds unbelievable (Trust me, it's true).

Finally, after 2 days of my eye excreting puss, she decided it was time I see a doctor.

This would almost be momma's undoing. I proceeded to tell the doctor that she burned me on purpose "LIKE THISSSSSSSS!!!"

I also spilled the beans about how my father had a horrible temper and would often times scream and throw things. I was separated from my parents and Child Services was brought in. After four hours of interviewing me, I finally confessed that I made the whole thing up.

Boy was that a good idea because I don't think I could have made it in a group home.

The car ride home was a quiet one.

Fast forward to Halloween 1994 - guess who got to be a pirate.


I HATE pirates.

Good one mom and thanks for the lazy eye. I love you!


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