It's the producer's job to get the director what they want.

We've all heard the stories about casting couches, and scoring coke, and you know... quietly disposing of dead hookers. Sounds glamorous right? I've always hoped it would be, but so far it's more like being a pushover single dad with a spoiled toddler, made worse by the fact that mommy's new boyfriend has more money and a bigger house...

But I digress.

The most important job of the producer is to be a facilitator. If they want to shoot a giant process trailer on the streets of Culver City, even though city doesn't allow it, I'm the one putting $500 cash in the hands of 4 retired motorcycle cops on the corner of Palms and Sawtelle to escort us like BOSSES.

That was fun.

Or if they need coffee for late night editing sessions, you make sure your weed card is valid so you can ALSO drop off an eighth and make sure they don't get stagnant at 3am and turn around a choppy, cracked out, coffee induced cut that makes your eyes hurt.

But sometimes the requests are ridiculous.

• Are you sure you need a crane to shoot a simple dialogue scene?
  • Yes, have to have a crane.
• We can't afford a crane.
  • Can't do the shot without a crane.
• Don't really have permission to use a crane at this location.
  • I'm telling you, shot doesn't work without a crane.
• Look, is it a demand or a request?
  • I have to have a f*cking crane.
• I'll get you a crane.

That's producing.

My proudest moment came on a shoot for a commercial I had been hired to produce for an emerging cryptocurrency. At the time they were calling it Foodstamps, (although by the time we had shot the the thing, they renamed it EBT Coin.) You may be familiar with it if you've run in the cryptocurrency circles for a while.

Anyway, I hired a director to pitch a couple options, and the one that everyone liked had to do with a guy meeting a "dealer" on the street and asking if he could buy a "product" called Unicorn, implying it was a street drug I suppose, and then asking if the guy took EBT Coin.

For the gag to work, at the end of the spot, the buyer returns with a glorious freaking unicorn.

• I can't get you a unicorn, that's ridiculous.
  • I have to have a unicorn.
• Isn't there something else we could use?
  • No, unicorn or nothing.
• I hate you.
  • I know.
• ...
  • ...
• ....
  • ........
• Fine. I'll get you your damn unicorn.

And then I did!

Made a couple calls to a some guys I knew that took care of horses. One of them a gorgeous male with a white coat that was perfect, but ever better, when I went to look at the glorious beast, he already had a custom made, matching hair, UNICORN HORN to go with it! And the guy let us use it for free.

Only caveat was that we had to bring lots of carrots. And that whenever the horse ate the carrots, it got aroused.

And that's producing. You may not always have to hide a half naked dead body in the desert, but sometimes you have to feed carrots to a frisky stallion while it's surprisingly-hued member presents itself for all to see.

So, for your viewing pleasure, I'd like to show you one of my personal, proudest moments, and proof that if you try, you can come up with just about anything in this town.

(Disclaimer... the Unicorn had just eaten some carrots before we rolled camera.)

Thanks for reading. More to come.

-beans