Hollywood Deal Making - AKA Show me the Goddamn Ice Cream!

As a producer, I am constantly on the phone for meetings between people that have projects (writers, directors, producer, etc.) and people that have money (studios, investors, finders and the like.)

These fucking conversations are the most painful "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" conversations you can possibly be a part of.

The below is a transcript of a conversation I was just a part of between an Oscar nominated producer and a woman claiming to represent an investor that has put over 100 Million dollars into various films. For your reading pleasure I've set this dialogue in an ice cream shop.

Enjoy!

Lights come up on an Ice Cream shop. Store Employee, "S" stands behind counter. Customer, "C" Comes in. The little bell dings over the front door, and S looks up with the anticipation of a sale.

S- I have ice cream. Would you like to buy some?
C- I have money and I love ice cream.
S- If you have money, then I'll give you ice cream.
C- If you have ice cream, I'll give you money.
S- Show me proof that you have money.
C- I will only show you proof that I have money if you show me proof that you have ice cream.
S- The ice cream is on a truck out back, but I can't get the ice cream until you prove you have the money.
C- My wife has the money, and I told her that you could prove you had ice cream before she will give me the money.
S- I can easily get the ice cream. Show me the money.
C- Can you prove that you can, for sure, get the ice cream?
S- Bring your wife in here, and I will tell her that I can get ice cream if she has money.
C- I'm not going to introduce you to my wife, without the promise that you won't just give the ice cream directly to her.
S- OK, if you show me a text message from your wife saying that if she will pay for the ice cream, contingent on me having ice cream, then I can go get a receipt off from the truck that I have secured the ice cream.
C- You said you'd show me the ice cream.
S- I never said that. I would never say that. I've never said that in my life because I can't show ice cream to people who don't have money. I've worked with this truck before and they won't bring the ice cream in here, unless the money is present.
C- So you're saying you can only get the ice cream if I have the money.
S- No, I'm just saying that I can only get the receipt from the truck if you tell me that you have money and will buy the ice cream.
C- Well I told my wife that you would show me the ice cream. Now I can't go back to her and tell her that you won't show it to me because I'll look like an idiot and she'll make me go home.
S- I'm sorry, I never said that.
C- I know, it's just this isn't the first time I've made this mistake and she's going to be mad at me.
S- Just have her text you that you will buy ice cream if I have it and then I will bring it out here.
C- Fuck you. You probably don't have any ice cream, I'm leaving. leaves ice cream shop
S- That asshole probably doesn't even have a wife. Or she doesn't really have any money. Fuckers.

Epilogue:

C- re-enters store after hours. - Hey, my wife said that she did in fact really want some ice cream and asked me to come back and buy it as long as you'll sign this piece of paper saying you won't tell anyone else who bought the ice cream.
S- Great. Have your wife send over the paperwork. I was never going to tell anyone about your wife in the first place. I just want
to sell ice cream.
******** 6 weeks go by while C stands in the store with S waiting for the wife to send the paperwork...

She never does.

S- If you're not going to buy any ice cream, I have some fried chicken back here you might like.
C- My wife loves fried chicken. If you can prove that you have the chicken, then I will buy some.
S- Show me your wallet and I will go get the chicken from the back.

Fade to black.

The End.