This will be performed live on tonight's PlayHouse, hosted by @carrieallen and myself! Be there!

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We're going DLIVE in just a few minutes through @carrieallen's channel, from 7-9 EST. If you'd like to voice perform live for the people, join us in the Steemstar discord channel! https://discord.gg/KsRrtBH It's fun!

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Anyway, this sketch is part of the Animals Suck series, although I may have branched out of reality a little bit...

Trolls Suck

by Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

Tok - Father Troll
Rip - Son Troll

NARRATOR
In the wide world of nature, there are many strange curiosities that have been forgotten; consigned to the realms of myth and fantasy. Nonetheless, we must remember that these mythical beasts can suck just as much as any animal in the known world. Take trolls for instance. Somewhere in the far-off countryside, there is an old bridge. In the damp darkness under the bridge, there are two massive and ugly trolls having a conversation. It is a father and son, preparing for their nightly mischief. Let’s hear what they have to say…

TOK
What did you say boy?!

RIP
I said it might be nice to raid a potato field tonight. I like potatoes.

TOK
For the last time, we’re trolls dammit! We don’t each plants!

RIP
But the other night…

TOK
The other night you went out by yourself, completely unprepared! You forgot your damn club. How do you expect to clobber anything without your club?

RIP
I really didn’t feel like doing any clobbering that night.

TOK
Here we go.

RIP
And I found this field of potatoes and just ate them til the sun came up. It was nice, and I didn’t have to pick any man bones out of my teeth.

TOK
Well, tonight we’re gonna do some real slaughtering… toughen you up boy.

RIP
But I’m not hungry.

TOK
We don’t have to eat everything that we kill! Sometimes you just gotta embrace the chaos.

RIP
I miss Mom.

TOK
You know mama trolls live alone in mountain caves! She’s three times my height, can’t control her temper, and she definitely would’ve eaten you by now. Trust me son, you’re better off.

RIP
Okay, dad. Oh look, there’s a sheep that strayed away from the Henderson’s flock.

TOK
Perfect. Watch this!

SOUND FX - SHEEP YELLING

They stop yelling when you bash ‘em against a rock really good.

SOUND FX - BASH (Sheep stops yelling)

RIP
[awkwardly] Wow, dad. Cool. There’s so much blood.

TOK
Yep! It’ll just add to the overall foul ambience of our lair. How far you think I can throw this sheep?

RIP
I dunno, probably at least across the creek.

TOK
Let’s see! Ugghhh!

SOUND FX - FLYING SHEEP

RIP
Okay. It went way past the creek.

TOK
It’s almost dark, Rip. Are you ready to paint the town?

RIP
I don’t have any paint.

TOK
It’s an expression, dammit. We’re going to tear stuff apart, kill things, cause general mayhem. If we could we would do it during the day…

RIP
Or we would turn to stone like uncle Bruce.

TOK
I told you to never talk about uncle Bruce! Bastard stole my best club. A good club is hard to find-- Quiet! I hear people on the bridge.

RIP
Don’t they know this is a troll bridge?

TOK
It’s in all their old stories, but they come here anyway. How do you think I got such a big pile of bone dust?

RIP
Touchee.

TOK
Alright, here’s how this goes. I want you to let loose the stinkiest, nastiest fart you can muster boy.

RIP
That I can do. But what for?

TOK
Keep your voice down, boy. We don’t attack people unless they’re alone. It’s more terrifying that way. There’s two of them up there; a man and a woman. We need to get them to separate. Usually a good fart does it.

RIP
Okay, let’s see what I can do…

SOUND FX - LOUD FART

TOK
Okay, it sounds like they heard it. The woman raised her voice. Now you can bet their romantic moment is ruined. Just give it a few more seconds to waft upwards…

SOUND FX - MUFFLED YELLING

TOK
Good job, boy! I think you drove the woman off. What did you eat?

RIP
Well, last night I ate a whole mess of asparagus…

TOK
Holy hell, boy. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that.

RIP
I like eating green things sometimes.

TOK
You just shut your filthy little mouth. Now, with any luck that guy we framed for farting will wander off the bridge and we can just grab him.

RIP
Why don’t we just reach up over the side and grab him?

TOK
Because then we’d damage the railing. We’re the caretakers of this bridge after all.

RIP
It looks like that guy is walking off into the woods.

TOK
That’s okay, son. He’s in the doghouse now with his lady friend, and that’s good enough for me. As trolls, one of our many responsibilities is causing dissention among humans.

RIP
Why do we do that?

TOK
Because it’s so easy. Anyway, I wasn’t too excited about eating that guy. The full grown ones are never as good as the youngsters. Maybe later tonight we’ll stop by the orphanage… lots of little ones there. That premium pre-calcified marrow! It’s the best!

RIP
It’s so weird that your favorite part is the bones.

TOK
Hey boy! Trolls under glass bridges shouldn’t throw rocks in the air.

RIP
What the hell does that mean?

TOK
You’re the weird one, you twerpy little shit. Eating vegetables, making friends with cows…

RIP
It was only that one cow, and you ate her anyway.

TOK
All the other trolls are worried about you! They say me “Tok, what’s the deal with that weird twerpy kid of yours? I hear he’s been eating vegetables and making friends with cows.” It’s embarrassing.

RIP
Well, I’m sorry I’m such an embarrassment to you. And you forgot to mention asparagus. I like asparagus and I’m not ashamed!

TOK
Maybe we ought to take a trip up the mountain, let your mom teach you what’s what.

RIP
Fine by me! I’ll pack my things.

TOK
You don’t have any things! And we’re not gonna take you to your mother. How many times do I have to tell you? She. Will. Eat. You. Although I’m tempted to take you anyway.

RIP
Whatever.

TOK
Don’t “whatever” me. It’s dark now. We’re going out, and we’re going to tear some stuff apart. We’re gonna kill some animals, eat some people, grind some bones. Dammit son, we’re gonna make a troll out of you, if it’s the last thing I do!

NARRATOR
And the two trolls went out and spent the night causing mayhem that rivaled the fires of Rome, but young Rip just didn’t get that into it. Before the night was done, the two trolls had killed a herd of sheep, several cows, three damsels, four children, two younguns and a baby. In addition to all the slaughtering, they left an long trail of destruction. No barn, cottage, cabin or lamppost was safe from their spree. Even if you doubt their existence as a species, always remember: Trolls suck.

The End.

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