THE Coffeemaker For Fathers And Other Men

in coffee •  6 months ago


There are coffeemakers, and then there are coffeemakers. This morning, thanks to my foresight in having four children, I now own the last coffeemaker I will ever need. Here is the thing about coffee, it is similar to cigars. If you add flavor to it, your testosterone level is too low, you do not really like it, or you are a woman. Alternatively, you may have Her Majesty the Queen on your money, or speak French. Coffee should be strong, black, and very hot. If you can make it fast, all the better.

For years I have been struggling (in the first world problem sense of the word) with a very feminized coffeemaker from Cuisinart. It can do everything except grow the beans...and make coffee. It was generously gifted to my family, and that was appreciated. I appreciated the thought, and my wife appreciated the coffeemaker. Eventually we received a new coffeemaker (from the same source) as a Christmas present. This time it was a Keurig. Again, I sincerely appreciated the thought, and my wife appreciated (and still appreciates) the coffeemaker. I continued using the Cuisinart eventually because it was the lesser of two evils.


As of today, I am the proud owner of the only coffeemaker you need to own if you have functioning testicles. The Bunn Classic Speed Brew Thermal does not grind coffee beans, it does not have a timer, it is not connected to the Interwebs, it does not stop dripping when you take out the pot prematurely, it does not take pods of any kind. Here is how it works. You put coffee in it, pour water in it, and three minutes later you drink the coffee. As a matter of fact, you only turn it on once. After you fill it, the water is heated in a reservoir. When you pour water in it again, the hot water is displaced and three minutes later you have a pot of coffee. You do not need a timer, nor does it need to stop flowing if you remove the carafe...because three minutes.

Of course, I am just having fun. It is the coffee maker I have always wanted, but was too cheap to buy. My wife and kids gave it to me for Father's day. If you enjoy your coffee with flavor, cream, sugar or ice that is fine...but you are still a girl. I am also not really saying that British, Canadian, or French men are effeminate...but still, police without guns, Trudeau, and postmodernism?

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Coffee should be strong, black, and very hot. If you can make it fast, all the better.


Proof of Proper Brew