Tacties for parents how to positive parenting when kids do not listen!正面育儿策略指导 话题1-孩子不听你的怎么办?

in cn •  last year

As a yelled mom, I used to repeat and repeat till I lost my voice control just like you again and again when I ask my son to do a small command, like brush the teeth. That is a negative circle from repeat, remind to despaired and mad definitely which is ending by kid crying with mom's guilt feeling. Now I am glad to tell u this vicious cycle is easy to break as long as u can spend 5 mins to read the below words.

作为一个曾经的大吼妈妈(与儿子的沟通基本靠吼),我和你们一样,曾经日复一日的遇到在要求孩子去做一件事情的时候(比如刷牙),自己的cycle是提出要求, 重复,提醒,再重复再提醒,再重复再提醒,到最后绝望,生气,大吼,终于一阵大叫小哭后孩子行动了,作为家长又隐隐的感觉到guilty。这样的恶性循环(the vicious cycle)是完全可以打破的,只要你肯拿出5分钟的时间,仔细阅读以下的指导方案.

Firstly, understand kid's thinking and feeling; second, introduce the principle to conduct our behavior; then, the most valuable part is how to set up the rules in 5Rs strategy. Here you go, just so simple. Then only thing you need to do is to practice 5Rs
into your daily life. Next piss-off time is the best time to upgrade your operating system instead of frustrating. Write down your achievement one by one and one month later you will discover your kid knows what to do and to avoid the unwilling consequence what not to do without your nagging. Our vision is that "you won't remember the last time you raised your voice!"

先了解孩子的视角和我们的基本原则; 为什么说惩罚和time-out只是短期管用; 最后,最value部分,请按照我们的5R策略指导你设立你的家规。 Here you go,就这么简单,接下来你只需不断把本短文的知识输出应用到你与孩子的日常相处中闪现的每一个矛盾时刻(下次孩子把你惹毛了,可千万别沮丧,把它当作最好的你俩一起系统升级的过程)。一条一条的积累下去,几个月后即便你不唠唠叨叨,孩子自己会越来越清晰哪些可以干,哪些干了会有什么后果,按照你的期望去指导他的日常行为,我们的vision愿景就是干掉那个缺乏修养的大吼妈妈。

(This article is for the kid who surpass 2.5 year old, some boys may need to surpass 3 year old. Due to the brain and mind of smaller kids is still growing and hard for them to understand most of abstract words, the parents can prepare for parenting and not practicing on them yet.)
0705_2.jpg
This is my son from 2-3 old pics. He seems like a big kid but he can not understand most of my words in first 2 pics. Next 2 pics he seems like the same age but he can understand my abstract words then.
这张照片是我儿子从2岁到3岁,他看起来很大,但是前两张他听不懂我说的大部分话,后两张他可以听一些抽象语言去行动了。

(此文适合孩子的年龄已经超过2.5岁的家长参考,如果是男孩子有的年龄要三岁以上。再小的孩子,心智还在发育,大脑还在探索例如物体为什么会坠落的自然反应,不太能听懂并理解父母的对行为后果的抽象情景描述。父母请be patient 可以预习功课,但没法实践检验正确。)
0705_1.jpg
This pic is before he was 1.5 year.
这张是他1岁半之前的照片。

One, What is the way kids thinking and feeling?
一、孩子是怎么想的?
• There are only two bucket of water which needs to be filled each day in kids' mind. Attention and power, which is I can do anything.
• 孩子的精神世界只有两只水桶需要每天被填满,attention关爱和power觉得自己能主宰什么。

    •   Almost all psychologists explained the same thing that: the misbehavior means that need attention.  But for full-time mom, who worked 7*24 really feels was used out all of the energy and ways to attention. The reason is that only when they got attention where their demanding,  they feel the bucket of water is filling for today. I will ask moms pay less attention to your kids except they asked for. Especially before 2 year old, kid is learning walking and always easy run into danger,  parents always gave them too much attention. Then when you plan to pay less, kids will fell it. Their bucket of attention water will need more. Using whining or crying intuitively to explain themselves is the most common way when they can not speak themselves deeply and clearly. So be aware you will have a whiny and crying kid for almost one year until he/she can speak quite well. Mad is useless and will ruin your relationship as well.  

•   总有心理学家解释说,孩子的一些坏行为是为了引起你的关注。有的全职妈妈说,我7*24都给了他,真不知道还要怎么关注,感觉自己已经被掏空了。请记住,孩子只有在她们需要的地方得到了你的关爱,才觉得今天的attention小桶被填满了。我反而建议父母们少给孩子关注, 除非他们请求。 尤其是从2岁以前父母全职陪伴的充分随叫随到贴身服务突然到2.5岁,能听懂事情后,经常的被拒绝,他的attention小桶一下子进入不满状态,每天的whiny哼唧,哭闹,是他不会表达自己内心深处的变化,却直觉的能给我们大人的最简单的反馈。下回孩子在上演哭闹三部曲的时候,提醒自己,没必要那么生气,对于2-3岁的孩子,用长达一年的时间准备接受一个哼唧哭泣宝宝,除非你教会他/她如何正确的表达自己。

    •   The second bucket of water for kid is power, the willing to control his world.  It conflict with mom's command instinctively. This counter-reaction of terrible 2 is the way they feel their power so that can experience the sense of presence. This is a indispensable progress to fell the frustrating , struggling and failing  after they were born.  So that they can know the real position of themselves from the illusion felling of central of world.  Sadly to say,  parents who accompany their growth have to experience this negative conflicting as their opponent rival. So it is ok to have bad feeling, but it is dangerous to communicate with kids in this bad mood. You have to learn how to make yourself calm down as parents. I have to advice you it is a good choice to delay 5-10 mins to communicate with your kids who is below 4 about their misbehavior.  For the bigger kids you can accumulate all of words till supper time or bed time to recall all day rewards.  Your mood, calm or mad, is the first element to all relationship.

•   Power就是他们想control his world的愿望。本能的与妈妈想让他干嘛就要干嘛形成了冲突,terrible 2孩子的逆反,也是他们在用这种说No的power去体验自己的存在感,这是个她们需要从初生后自己是世界的中心的错觉中,不断失败,抗争,从挫折中体验到自己的实际位置的必经历程。而陪伴在身边的父母必然无辜的作为了他们的抗争对象,也必然要一起体验一些不好的负面感受,所以你有情绪是可以被接纳的,但是带着情绪处理问题是绝对没有灯自己平静下来没有情绪的时候能解决的梗高效无伤害的。所以,我们建议,不要怕当下不及时纠正对孩子会有多坏,对于4岁以下,5-10分钟后你平静下来再沟通可以, 对于大的孩子,你可以积攒到晚餐的时候或者睡觉前,回顾一天的优缺表现,平静的沟通,才是最好的办法。

Second, the principle to conduct parents behaviors.
二、父母心里的指导原则:
•. Never use your power to force he/she listen to you. Don’t work against the child’s need for power。Parents will win the war of power by the strength, voice and all privileges of the resources, but will lose in long-term when kid grows up enough. That is the reason why I suggest do not punishment or time-out your kids. That will let your kid experience more negative feelings such as blame, unrespectable, and will led them to lie and revenge to protect themselves. If you have done punishment for a while, you do not need to be worried as long as you can reflection and follow the below 5Rs to redo it somehow. The negative feeling will turn to be a broaden knowledge of the real world from the negative feelings. For example, when u stop punishment, kid will fell like, compared the ex-solutions parents used on me, my parents grow up using a new upgrade positive way to treat me which makes me feel respectful. It will be a positive element to their life experience.

•    我们的原则,不要用你的权力威吓迫使孩子听话。Don’t work against the child’s need for power。直接的硬对硬的权利碰撞,表面上看在力量比拼,嗓门大小,掌控各种资源优势上最后你都会胜出,但这会随着孩子年龄的增长渐渐失效,长期来看不是最佳办法。这也是我们不提倡time-out或者punishment惩罚,不仅因为会让孩子体验到更多负面的情绪,指责,伤害;更会迫使孩子在5岁左右发展出说谎,报复等自我保护机制。如果你已经这么做很久了,别害怕, 只要你肯反思,并按照如下5Rs的指导去寻找解决方案,孩子已经经历的惩罚和timeout的负面影响可以从伤害变成一种伤害停止后,记忆中对更宽广世界的体验的认知(原来爸妈还可以采用更糟糕极端的方式对付我哦,感谢父母的成长。)对她们的成长也会转化成正面因素。

Three, 5Rs tactics for parents:
三、给父母的 5Rs策略:

    •   What is 5Rs tacties' principle?  When kid do not listen to you, or violate your command,  you are not going to work against their needs for power, in stead,  you point out the two contrary consequences of their behavior, obey or violate. So that they feel control and whatever they will chose, do what they want to, disregarding parents words; or follow your suggestion, they have the right to make decision by their own meanwhile have the obligation to take the consequence. 
•    什么是 5Rs策略?是当孩子的行为和你希望的行为发生矛盾,不是用你的权利去打压她们的意志,而是你能积极的给他们提供两种行为选择的决定权:要么按照他们的行为方式继续,同时要承担丧失其他什么权利的行为结果(consequence);要么按照你的建议停止,为什么建议停止,继续下去的后果是什么 。 

Listen Up:
1, respectful! Attitude is the key for solve the problem. Misbehavior is never just a kid problems; It’s parents’ too! Reflection yourself when there is a problem. Remember, kid is our copy machine. If you are not look forward to being disrespectful when you were old, pls do not show them how to be disrespectful now.Are u pointing out your finger? are u raising your voice? Again, make sure you are calm down from the mad mood is the first step to show respectful. You can wait more till u have ability to do it in right way.
• Respectful 尊重。态度永远是解决问题的关键。当发生矛盾的时候,先审视自己的态度,Misbehavior is never just a kid problems; It’s parents’ too! 时刻记住孩子就是自己的复印机,你不希望自己老了他对你有任何不尊重的Misbehavior ,请你时刻检查自己的榜样力量。你是不是指着他的鼻子了?你是不是提高了嗓门了?还是上面提到的时机问题,如果自己不能立刻做到心平气和,那就等待,给孩子和自己时间。(肯定有读者已经忍不住要跳出来说,有些时候不适用啊,心急的话请您先跳到下面的第5点,看看哪些场合不适用5Rs策略)

   2,Realted! The consequence of their misbehavior have to be related to their behavior. The most challenge and hard part for parents is that there is not a simple job as parents, and you must be creative and smart. You have to think out a related consequence, not just a punishment. For example, the related consequence for unbrushed teeth could be dessert , hurt(to see the dentist) or no one like u. 
•   Related 相关。最考验你的父母智力和能力的部分来了,你要想出来一个相关的行为结果,不能够是别的惩罚。不刷牙的相关性可能是甜食(巧克力),疼痛(牙医),别人不喜欢你(太臭不想kiss)。

   3, reasonable. The consequence of the misbehavior should be reasonable for that kid based on his point of view. (The right which is important for a 3 year old kid maybe doesn't matter for a 6 year kid. ) For example, the related consequence for unbrushed teeth could be no chocolate , no kiss, an appointment with dentist etc. 

•   Reasonable 合理。这个合理性需要根据孩子的年龄去推断(3岁孩子不愿意失去的权利,6岁以上的孩子可能并不在乎)。同上条不刷牙相关的行为后果,合理的推断出可能失去的权利,比如,以后都没有亲亲kiss,或不能再吃巧克力或其他甜点,或要跟妈妈去看牙医,或妈妈不能抱着你睡因为太臭了等等。

   4,  Revealed! You must tell you kid what is the consequence if he doesn't stop his misbehavior in respectful way in advance. Using the example of a 6 year kid who is not willing to stop the iPad. The sentences in my suggestion is like " I noticed that you disagreed me when I asked you stop iPad. You know the reason why I stop you is that is bad for your eyes. So, How long is the longest time for you to watch in your option? (for the younger kid you can just give them some time to choose, like, 15 mins, 20 mins, or 30 mins. Using the biggest time as your expectation. if kid choose 2 hours, which is surpass your expectation, you can decided into 30 mins for each time and twice each day, or 2 hours each time and 1 time each 5 days. let kid choose. ) The negotiation is the creative part which needs parents practice more. For the younger kid you can set up a timer and close the iPad as long as time ring.  if he/she will whining or crying again, there is no iPad for whole day. 

•   Revealed 告知。你要提前用尊重的语气,提前告知你的孩子他的行为可能导致的后果,让他自己来选择要承担什么。拿一个6岁以上孩子一直看ipad,你怎么说也不肯停来举例,一般建议的句型可以是这样的“我注意到今天我们对看ipad的事情上不能达成共识,你也知道长期看对你的眼睛不好,你认为每次你看的时间不超过多久合理呢?(孩子小的话,可以给他几个选项,15分钟,20分钟,25分钟,30分钟?最大值就是你的心里预期;大孩子可能说2小时等你不能接受的答案,这时候可以说你可以选择每次看30分钟,一天内看两次,或者每隔4天看一次2小时,会算数的孩子肯定会选择你的预期答案)那么,我们已经达成共识,每次看的时间不超过两小时,每天不超过两次。下回看ipad,你要先设定一个time(或者小孩子妈妈设定)时间到了就主动关了。如果你做不到呢,怎么办?(对于大孩子,父母就相对轻松,你可以让她们去做这个烧脑的creative 的工作,去想releated和reasonable的结果)对于小孩子,你可以说如果时间到了,妈妈关掉ipad你还whiny哼唧,哭闹或者耍赖,那你就一天没有ipad。最后,为了确认我们互相理解了,请把妈妈说的重复一遍。下一次同样情景上演的时候,你不用再反复唠叨,只用提醒他“你知道你现在不like关了ipad,你讲失去看ipad的权利。)

    5, Repeat ! When you 2 reach a consensus, please let kid repeat again. firstly, for the younger kids it is useful way to help them remember the consequence. Secondly , for parents it is the way to understand how clearly kids could do based on their understanding.
•   Repeated 复述。一个是怕太小的孩子还不是很听得懂,记得住这么长的对话,还有孩子能够完整的复述出来, 会更好的帮助她的记忆。

Four, Range of application:
Those 5Rs sounds simple and I couldn't help trying it. hold on, there is some range it not gonna work.
Not work for:
bedtime battles
sibling fight
backtalk
Morning Dawdling
Homework hassles
Chore Wars
School struggling

5Rs only works for 10-15% daily parents-kid relationship. Others cases, I will update more solutions. Please follow me if you are interested in this parenting topic.

四、 适用范围,不适用的场景。
听起来很简单啊,我忍不住想试试了。先等一下,要说点打击你的话了,这个5Rs策略只适用于日常亲子关系的10-15%的问题,生活是复杂的,其他的80%以上的问题,还要我们去思考别的方法,积极应对,其余还有30种方法,我会在“PPS正面育儿”群里陆续介绍,欢迎进群跟学(下载app:小密圈)。
不适用的场景有:
bedtime battles 睡前磨蹭
sibling fight兄弟姐妹的战争
backtalk顶嘴
Morning Dawdling赖床症
Homework hassles 不爱写作业
Chore Wars 不爱做家务
School struggling 不想上学

Five, How to practice into daily life. Recall the most recently issues, between you and kids, try to write your sentences which you want to speak to them in super time in 5Rs. And then try this negotiation conversation. If you guys have some agreement, pls write it down on your refrigerator or black-board. Then repeat this solution procedure, write down the rules which is proven to work well one by one. Then maybe 1 month later you will build up your family rules and have a cooperative kid based on his age. As he grows up, the rules always need to be improved.

五、如何应用到日常生活:

下面请读者回忆一下,针对你觉得近期在孩子身上发生的战争, 按5R策略写出来你的解决方案。
• 然后把这条Rules变成你的第一条家规,写在你的本上,冰箱上,黑板上。然后每天遇到新的适用的情况下,再经你们双方讨论认可,并测试之行的效果不错后,你可以再次逐条添加上去。

For example, below is the rules for my 3 year old son:
A Eating food only when you siting beside table. When family dinner time, if you leaving there is no food for you anymore. If you wasted much more food, there will be no snacks today.
B Brush your teeth before sleeping and after wake-up. If did not brush teeth, there is no cream or chocolate anymore today.
C For the half-hour story time, you must go to bed and finish washing before 9 pm, otherwise, only one book can read.(if late till 9:10, no book anymore.)
D Have to share the toys and food. If not sharing food, then what mom or sister eating, you can not have.
E Half hour iPad time, 2 a day. If still whining or crying after close it. no iPad for whole day.
F If throw toys or not clean up toys, the toys will go into time-out box for the whole day. Can not play anymore.

跟大家分享一下,对一个快到3岁的孩子,我们可以制定的规则有:
A 吃饭在餐桌上做好,大家一起进餐,如果离开餐桌就没有食物(直到下次吃饭),如果没有吃完,剩下许多食物,就没有任何其他零食(会故意拿出他爱吃的零食)。
B 睡觉前要刷牙,起床后要刷牙,如果不刷牙,就没有巧克力也没有冰激淋和任何甜食;
C 睡觉前可以讲半小时故事,但是要9:00之前,洗漱完毕换好睡衣,如果晚了十分钟,就没有故事时间了。(特殊情况,可以提前约定,比如带他出去玩太晚,会商量今天的story time只能讲一本书了)
D 食物,玩具都要分享,如果不分享食物,以后姐姐或妈妈吃的东西也可以不给他。玩具不分享他喜欢的小火车,那姐姐的滑板车他也不可以玩
E ipad每次看半小时,每天2次,timer计时器响了就要关了,如果哼唧耍赖就一天都没有ipad
F 不许扔玩具,玩完要clean up 收拾好,乱扔的玩具和不收拾好的玩具,都进time-out box这样下回才能找到在哪。(适合3-4岁大的孩子)

Six,I know it is a long distance between theory and reality.  what if kids meltdown?I promise when you try to practice and set up your rules your kid will challenge your ability using all kinds of ways he can think out.  Be patient, take your time, repeat and repeat. Never lose your mind and hurt your relationship. Remember, do not work against kid needs off power. Give him the options and you just lead his directions behind him.
六、 理论和实际之间,就是各种的未谈到的细节,比如孩子崩溃了,大哭不止怎么办?

其实,孩子崩溃了的表达方式就是3个目的:1,我不高兴,很生气;2,希望妈妈能改变想法,为我妥协;3,把父母拽入权力之争,我希望世界按照我的意愿运行。当孩子崩溃了,你最好的办法是把他带入只有你和他连个人的空间,然后忽视他的存在,像空气一样存在。先等他平静下来,在说。实际情况绝对比这的一句原则ignore him要复杂百倍,我的儿子,2岁半的时候就能做到发脾气大哭一个半小时不止,这个时候的陪伴对于家长绝对是种身心的折磨,但是只有一个字,忍。 相信我,几次的痛苦是你和这个小家伙的外教大战的试水,他一定会最后习得世界不是按照他的要求运转的,这个家里谁是说话最算数的人。

English is my second language. So pls help me to improved it if u can point out my mistake, Will be appreciated !

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我對兩個女兒在3歲之前的教育還是多多少少依賴"打"的. 家中到現在還有縢條在,不過對上一次真正打下去應該是年多兩年前的事了. 因為我覺得3歲之前的孩子還沒有能力去辨別是非,跟他們說道理沒有用,物理性的指導手段比較有效,3歲之後我就改變方式,盡量嘗試跟他們多談談.
不過有些東西我是一直堅持會做的:

  1. Bed time story (睡前的故事時間)
  2. 每天放學回家後一定要做完功課才可以玩
  3. 主餐一定要吃飽,如果主餐不吃, 那管之後如何肚餓,都要等下一餐才有食物.相反,如果在主餐中吃得充足,之後還感到餓的話,食物是不會缺的.

好像有跟你所做的相似的地方. 我想大家都是為了孩子的將來而努力中.一起加油吧.

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備受鼓勵 我也同意太小的孩子 說也無用 打更見效 就是不知道 打了之後他更喜歡拍桌子和打別的小朋友 會不會是後遺症⋯⋯

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用打的要很小心。我的做法是,要打便狠狠的打,只打一,兩下,不要多,而且打時自己要很冷靜, 要讓她們了解到我不是在發洩,我沒有失去理智。
我是豪不留力的往她們的小屁股打下去。只要一下,她們痛的印象深刻,打過兩次之後,我已經不用再真正的打,只要我行向滕條方向,她們已經開始求饒,原本在做什麼都立即停下來,那時候我便可以開始用講的了。

My Indian parents had a simple trick .. When I didn't used to listen they used to beat the shit out of me :P .. Hope they have read these tips :)

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haha😄。。。。thanks for sharing ur secret