Cinematography - falling in love from childhood, to criticizing as an adult

It was almost 20 years ago, when I was only 7 years when I discovered the most disturbing movie I could watch,
The Soul of the Mother.

It was this Albanian movie in early 90's about a grandmother who lived alone with her nephews and her dolls. Soon, she started hallucinating, creating images in her had and having conversations with the dead through her dolls. Terrifying movie, at least for a 7 year old. And it kept me from falling peacefully for at least one week. Now, imagine a child who couldn't sleep cause he thought the dolls were trying to speak to him, and getting into depression when they couldn't.
After one year or two, while in third grade, while watching TV, I stumbled yet again into this movie. And curios by nature watched it all. Every single frame I was 10 cm away from the screen and repeating what the actress (Tinka Kurti) said.
Was so much in love I wanted to create the same feeling to people. Wanted to create this amazing short stories for them to read. To create this amazing blur images of a scene that never happened and to tell it as an epic fight between thoughts we could not see.

Years past. And my love for cinematography grew strong. So strong that by fourteen I had created 7 screenplays. But you see, they were a secret. Stuck somewhere under a drawer that on the outside had some small useless drawing so nobody could suspect something very precious was being held there. And was reading them every weekend. Changing one sentence I thought could be written better. Adding two more words so the discussion between characters could flow smoother. And yet, after years and years of changing them, couldn't get the feeling it was my best work. Couldn't find the courage to show them to someone and get a second opinion. If I wasn't loving them, why should someone else?!

By the age of 20 had added to my watched collection list more than five hundred moves. From all genres, from all over the world. And to each of them had my critics. Lighting problems, why the actor didn't cry when the scene required it, why the camera was zooming in when the image should have stayed focused, why the screenplay wasn't giving the actors the freedom the express themselves but only playing with their mimic, why not adding that scene while monologuing while the movie was all about adding extra scenes, why...

And while watching and reading, the need to express grew stronger. Went to university and instead of listening to the professor explaining linear momentum and its conservation, or falling asleep (as many of my classmates decided to do) was writing one image or one more page to my masterpiece.

And now, I am still this guy, who works as a Network Security, while renting an apartment and drinking beer everyday, and everyday asking myself the same question: Why didn't I publish anything? Why wasn't I courageous enough? Why, for God's sake, don't I love my own creation?

This is my first post. First time explaining myself. First time coming out of the need to share my dream and how that dream was construct. Every week will add a new post about cinematography. About what it is supposed to be, what were the eras, what made poesy and what made ash, why genres were created and what they represent.
It will not only be a blog for you to read, but a notebook for me. Do not expect a review of new mainstream movies coming out every week. It will just be a lover expressing himself about his paramour.