When Christmas Isn't Really That Merry As It's Supposed To Be (Aka Feeling Alone At Xmas Time)
As the holidays are coming up and the year is coming to a close, I go into a very emotional space.
Because for the past few of years, my Christmas time has been spent SO differently than in the past.
And it makes me sad.
Three years ago, I spent it with friends because my own father didn’t invite me to Christmas dinner with the excuse that I am a vegetarian and they were going to a meat restaurant.
Such a WEAK excuse!
Two years ago, I was travelling on my own through Thailand and was hanging out with three guys who just didn’t really care that much about me.
So yea, not THAT great
And last year, I was hanging out with my two best friends and their family and it was absolutely lovely but I just realized that I don’t really have my own family.
Very bittersweet
I just completely had a cry and a hug with my best friend about what I just wrote.
(See? Told ya I was emotional)
And this year I am spending it with my boyfriend’s family and my stepmother.
Which is great!
But still, there is a deep sadness to it all.
Because it just somehow feels like I don’t have a family of my own.
Even though my bf’s familia totally love me and I am ingrained into their whole family unit.
And I have my own group of friend-family that completely accept and love me for who I am and I am DEEPLY thankful that they are in my life!
This sting just is still there.
I feel alone.
Because my own father doesn’t want contact with me and my mother doesn’t really make that much of an effort to be in my life.
(She does her best but it just isn’t enough really)
So where does that leave me?
It leaves me being emotional and having to move through a process this Christmas.
The realization of the disintegration of my own family and the incorporation of this nouveau familia unit that I have moved into.
It’s a good thing! Don’t get me wrong.
But it’s just A LOT.
And I’ll be honest when I say that I was kind of hoping to not have to deal with anymore mega emotional shit this year.
I’ve had a bit of dark year to say the least.
But nope, there is no time for me to rest (just yet).
Emotional stuff needs a-processing!
And I am taking it a step at-a-time.
Being sweet and kind to myself before my system overloads and just completely shuts down.
Here’s to Christmas being the mirror to reveal the deep-rooted life shit that I have to deal with!
Can anybody else relate to this?
How do you move through it?
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BIG love,
Ashley
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@ashleykalila, I feel your pain. When I moved to Massachusetts in 2015, Christmas was so hard for me because I had always spent it with my mom, dad, sister, and brothers. I had to hang out in my room alone before I could tell my partner what was bothering me and she eventually made me feed better. Although, I do feel the loneliness still because non of my family members are physically around and my family has a different tradition so I always look for that warm Christmas feeling that I've grown accustomed to. I am sorry to hear about your experience with your mom and dad. You sound like a wonderful person and I hope they come to realize that too. Cheer up, there are others who have felt your pain but we've learned to accept it and supported others who needed it the most. I'm here for you :)
Thank you for your sweet words!
I completely understand your situation and I hope this Xmas is a bit better for you!
Thank you for being here! :)
It is totally mutual
I'm on the opposite end of the mother daughter relationship. My daughters and I had a falling out years ago and we didn't speak for a long time. We met earlier this year and, I had thought, hashed it out,
I text them, little to no response. I haven't seen my grandchildren in years, one born in November 2016, I've never seen or met.
So I can relate to a somber, lonely and maudlin Christmas too.
Hope this year is better for you.
Oh gosh @goldendawne, I can sort of imagine how you feel.
Do you find ways how to make it a bit better for yourself?
Enjoy time with my husband and spoil our 7 year old chocolate lab mainly. I keep my mind occupied during holidays and birthdays.
Doesn't sound like a bad time to me dear! :)
Sending you light for the next few weeks lady!
Be sweet to yourself
I kinda understand and i know the feeling caused ive been alone for long years yes i always have what they called a family but were never been close like other fam. I am married also but i spent long years alone because my husband is far from me. This means that another lonely christmas for me again. So cheers for us!
How will you be spending it?
I get what you are saying ladybug and know that I am here if you need to talk!
If you've had a dark year, remember that this is also the time of the solstice.
Hopefully this can give your mind a bit of peace as this year comes to a close and the new one gets ready to begin.
💚
Thank you.
I'll take a look into it!
I understand, my family believed a lie about me and wants nothing to do with me. My only hope is the reason for Christmas and that is Jesus my Lord and Savior. May God bless you this Christmas with His love.
Oh goodness, that sounds like a tough situation.
Thank you for being so honest.
Either way, I hope you do something that you enjoy for Christmas.