I'm sick of being a Christian sometimes

No, this is not “clickbait”. This is legitimately how I feel. I’m sick of faking it. After 34 years, I am sick and tired of being a Christian. This morning, I realized that trying to be a Christian has been the biggest source of shame and pain in my life. It has made me afraid to be myself and confused about what the truth is. I guess I just don’t get it, do it? I should be so ashamed of myself for sinking to this level!

Am I saying that I am no longer a Christian? No, far from it. My faith is weak but I strongly believe in the existence of God and the work of Jesus Christ. My problem is more to do with his followers (remember Gandhi*?) and what they teach.

I grew up in the church. That’s half my problem. I was indoctrinated and was subject to a slew of confusing and contradictory dogma as well as downright spiritual abuse that my head is still spinning years later. I am told that I should be reading the bible—and my lack of reading the bible is my problem. Why is it that whenever I read the bible, I feel either confused or condemned? I get MORE questions than I get ANSWERS. Everyone wants to preach about how God is so loving, merciful, and graceful yet they talk about how we are not stacking up as Christians. I am expected to “perform” or “behave” a certain way. I am expected to have been changed because I’m saved. POOF! Magically, I should have the ability to selflessly love others and live like Christ…notwithstanding my physical and mental disabilities! Worst of all, I can never truly be sure of my salvation because I struggle with “living in sin” as some Christians put it. I’m sorry PEOPLE, but I can’t just “perform” or “behave” a certain way when whatever is wrong with doesn’t allow me to and/or I don’t have the FEELING that ENTICES me to do so. People must think I have a lot going for me. I do, on paper. However, what good is having good things (or good things happening to you) when you are too numb/depressed to feel it and/or don’t feel you deserve it? What about when you feel that even being happy is a luxury you don’t deserve because others aren’t guaranteed it?

The most annoying thing about being a Christian is this stubborn all-or-nothing gospel of salvation. God loves you SOOOOOOOOOOO much that he gave you his only begotten son…and he will expend all this energy throughout your lifetime trying to woo you with his love… and that he is trying to get your attention and show you that he thinks so much of you as a Child of God and that you are his workmanship and that you are seated in heavenly places. But due to mental illness, bad coping skills, or bad examples from other Christians—you decide not to respond to his beckoning—and so the meter goes from 100 to -100 (not even 0!) and you get put into this place of eternal conscious torment with no hope of escape???

You know what I say to that? FUCK THAT. If that were true (and I don’t believe it is), I would want to have absolutely nothing to do with God. I would ask to be snuffed out of existence. That is not a universe I want to exist in.

Then I get this “holy fear” that comes over me and what YOU may think of me for saying such a thing. Even though I don’t believe it is true (for the most part), a part of me fears that it might be true and that I am damning myself to hell for even going that far. However, the anger towards the unrighteous wrath that most Christians say God will have towards unbelievers overrides that “fear” because of how much it torments my very soul. I’ve done a lot of research to come to a more biblical conclusion of conditional immortality, but the claws of the doctrine of eternal torment are still deeply entrenched in my soul.

So there are 2 options here. Either 1: my mental state is blocking me from knowing the REAL truth and love of God, or 2: most Christians have being a Christian all wrong. Sometimes, I want to believe it is option 1 because then I could just say that “it’s me”, and God simply needs to heal my stupid brain. However, a lot of times, I think it’s option 2 because we have a whole slew of people that think evolution and abiogenesis are a thing when that clearly requires a mental disorder to take seriously.

I want to believe the good things I am told about God and myself. SO DESPERATELY. However, I cannot ignore that “bad” or “negative” things that the bible warns about or that preachers teach about. I am more afraid or untrusting of God than feeling his the all-loving Father who holds me in His arms when I am feeling like my world is crashing down. People speak of this God, and I so badly want to believe that is who He really is.

You want to know what else? Going to church IS BORING. MIND-NUMBINGLY BORING. I am sick of feeling that its a burden. I’m sick of feeling that I should LONG to be in the presence of God and with the brethren. Except I can’t wait for it to be over and go back home. I don’t feel compelled to get up and sing most of the time. Most of the time, the songs aren’t that good musically or lyrically. I am not going to sing about what I don’t feel either. And people tell me “IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT FEELINGS.” Honestly, I want to smack them in the face. REALLY? SO, you NEVER feel happiness or joy as a Christian? Tell me, do you enjoy faking it til you make it through life? I SURE DON’T!

I’m just tired of playing the Christian game. I’m tired of going through the motions. I’ve gone back 10-15 years in my blogs to see that not much as really changed for me spiritually. I feel as lost and confused as ever. I want to believe in something that is REAL. I want to KNOW that I KNOW the truth! I know the truth is out there, with Jesus. I just wish that this soul could embrace it through the lens of this screwed up fallen flesh of a body that I have.

Is God’s grace sufficient for me? Have I offending or grieved the Holy Spirit too harshly with this post and made Christians something to be mocked???

I feel like I can now see why people fall away. I know there is a Satan who wants to keep lying to me so that I do. Maybe some of what I think or feel is a lie, hence why I am not going to fall away. However, I am pretty damned disillusioned…

*“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

― Mahatma Gandhi