Love & marriage 47 - DIVORCE, Part 3
Welcome to today's blog. JUST A NOTE TO PEOPLE THAT ARE ALREADY DIVORCED. This posts on divorce are intended to try to prevent people, that are maybe on the brink of divorce to reconsider and give their marriages another change. It is not intended to hurt people that are already divorced, you and your kids have been through enough, I pray that you can successfully build a new life.
If you missed my first two posts on divorce you can go read it here:
https://steemit.com/christian-trail/@hope777/love-and-marriage-45-divorce-part-1
https://steemit.com/christian-trail/@hope777/love-and-marriage-46-divorce-part-2
I want to start off with a quote from yesterday's blog: "Yes we Smiths have problems like everybody else, but we solve them. That's the attitude of a winner."
And @eyeofthestorm made the following comment:
"Divorce shows children that you give up on the ones you love and they give up on you and that promises are just words to be broken. Staying together shows that promises mean everything and when we allow God to love through us, nothing shall be impossible." Isn't that beautiful and oh so true?
And on that positive note, I want to encourage you and bring you
Your situation may feel hopeless, two people too far apart, too much damage done to save the marriage. Before you go down that avenue of divorce, closing the door on your marriage forever, you owe it to yourselves and possibly your children to try and save your marriage.
Thousands of marriages, with situations just as complex and painful of yours, have managed to rise from the hurt and pain, with the help of professionals, to re-connect, solve the problems, start the healing process and stayed married. After working through the issues, you can be happy again and you can be happily married.
There is professional help for every problem, you just need to seek it. If you are member of a church, your pastor can be a good place to start. Sometimes one is so blinded by your own opinions and hurts that you cannot see the bigger picture. You as a couple need a third objective person who can listen to both sides and be able to give an impartial opinion about your problems. These professional people have the necessary education to guide you into repairing your marriage. This first important step is the band-aid on that broken heart.
Please take that first step, put your pride aside, be the one to initiate this step. If you can't convince your spouse to come with you, then you go alone at first. Change always begins with you. Maybe you tried to change your spouse to no avail and now you want to throw the towel in. Use your energy and intelligence to figure out what YOU could do differently. The therapist will most likely also begin with you if your spouse is unwilling. Don't get discouraged, if you start to make changes, then for sure it will have a positive effect on your spouse. It is like a carousel, all the hurtful words, all the fights, makes it spinning just faster and faster.
By starting to change and do positive things in the marriage you stop the vicious cycle. With each positive word, each little positive change you can stop that wheel that is spinning out of control and start to turn the wheel in the opposite direction. A therapist can with a proper personality assessment give you bigger insight in your spouse's behavior. Years ago I went alone to a therapist and she could explain to me because of my late hubby personality type, time was not an issue for him. For me on the other hand, if someone was 10 minutes late I got frantic. I had to learn to relax if he said he will be away for an hour, I must relax and expect him to be away for at least a half an hour later. Although he did not want to go to counseling I could go home and explain it to him. He had to understand it is ok for him to be away longer but that he must let me know. This may sound simple, but it made a huge difference.
If you are dealing with the three A's that ruin marriages, Affairs, Addictions, and excessive Anger, you will definitely need the help of a professional. The spouse with the A-habit needs to figure out how to end this. The other spouse needs to heal and learn alternatives to deal with the problem. Both spouses would benefit from support groups. Especially if you have children you need to learn how to be more emotionally healthy as individuals and as a couple. Both committing to building a new kind of marriage with the same spouse but where there are zero affairs, addictions or excessive anger, but instead abounding love and trust.
No matter how hard the road ahead you can do it. You have your future and your happiness in your hands. You need to concentrate hard on the task at hand, that is saving your marriage. I promise you it will be worth the while. Also look again at this post of mine: https://steemit.com/christian-trail/@hope777/love-and-marriage-40-how-to-rekindle-your-love
In future posts I will tackle specific problems like the three A's above. I took only a very small part from this source, it may be helpful to also look at this https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201303/marriage-problems-heres-8-step-rescue-plan
Images: freepik, pixabay, pexels.com
Don't miss out tomorrow on my Friday romantic tips for the weekend. Let's have some fun!
Thank you for reading, may your marriage be filled with understanding, joy,happiness and above all else LOVE!
@hope777
It's a very sad word 'divorce'. I am not getting married yet. but some of my friends get divorce in early years of their marriage. I can't judge them to have chosen wrong man. no body get married to have divorce. all people want to be happy.
I love your writing and keep watching your new post. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, @renajuliana89. It is a very sad word and an even more sad reality. Thank you for your support of the blog. You will have more knowledge and skills the day when you get married if you keep on following the blog.
Thank you. I hope I can find a right man and live happily ever after.
I appreciate your post. I am the result of a broken home as well. My parents divorced when I was 4. I was prevented from knowing my father's family growing up. I did meet them on independence day (July 4) when I was 18. There is an irony there, Using my skills in genealogy I found out my father's mother lived 18 miles away and Dad was in Chicago. I did get to know my father for the next 19 years when he died if liver cancer.
Looking back I was told how stupid marriage was. It takes no education, any fool could do it. If only Mom could have provided me with a good mentor (s) who were married and positive about marriage. To this day I still defend my Father's name. They were both at fault. She though she could change him and he could not stand up to her. When I finally did by leaving the accounting field and going back to teaching and playing guitar she could not take it. The next two years they argued and grew apart.
Folks need to ask the important questions before marrying. They also need real respect and face the hard reality rather than the dream like feeling of being in love. My parents were in love at one time but did not have the respect enough to have real love. So I became the recipient of their jadedness and negativeness. It has taken me a long time to work though this. Had I known then what I know today I would be so much better. However life is a journey and for some of us because of divorce it takes longer to get there but we DO get there.
Folks need to minimize the psychological baggage and work though what there is. If you do not your family inherits your baggage and so does the world. Be responsible. Deal with your own baggage out of respect to others. Great post by the way. - Troy
Wow Troy thank you for sharing this with us. You can make a post with it. Valuable lessons to take from it. I glad you are back my friend. Maybe I quote you in follow up posts.
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Thank you my friend @kubbyelizabeth. Have a wonderful day and many blessings.
You are very welcome!
Hi dear @hope777, I just came across you, while following @maya7, who is already my friend on this platform.
I read few of your earlier blogs and I liked the way you are narrating . And one more thing... In your profile pic, you look so.....cute. Started following you..
To know more about me please read my Introductory post @geetharao # Namaste from India, which I posted a month ago, where you can see my art work too. Thank you so much for helping our co steemian @maya7, and the flood effected, of our country. I too want to donate something to @maya7... Thank you once again... :)
Hi :-) Thank you for your comment. I am following you now, You are doing very well on steemit. It is my pleasure to try and help @maya7 and her people.
thanks for sharing
My pleasure @inspired food.
we are heading for our fiftieth anniversary because we talk about problems that may arise. Thanks for a great blog
Thanks @jaje, that is wonderful. You must make a post the day of your anniversary.