Sunday thoughts on a Saturday: Good sex: John 4:6-25

Good sex: panel discussion and the title is "the struggle is real."

Last week the topic of good sex continued with a panel of three women. These women are leaders in the church and were selected to share their thoughts on the topic of sex. The pastor starts with Philippians 1,2 and 4. To promote and learn from each other is the goal. Starting with three women. The leaders of the group. One is Single, the other is my Bestie and has been married for two years, and the third is married for Twelve. We shall refer to them as single, bestie, and twelve.

Pastor: Opens the conversation asking about temptation before and after marriage.

Bestie: Temptation of opening up to people that you have no business opening up to. Certain people that are emotionally attached to you. For example, our friends don’t forgive like we forgive and always remember the bad. They take our pain and hold on to it.

Twelve: Opening up to the opposite sex can lead to sexual temptation. It’s a back door way to temptation. Purposely be careful and aware of what you are missing at home and don’t seek those fulfillment outside of your marriage to the point that it replaces it.

Pastor ask about wandering eyes.

Bestie: Women generally don’t struggle with wandering eyes like men as much as the listening ear.

Single: It starts in the mind. You connect with someone and you allow the mind to wander and create feelings and attachments.

Pastor: Connects more with women because women are more conversational beyond sports and shallow talks. So, how do you differ from just conversation to flirting?

Single: Asking him his intentions. Especially if you think/feel there is more.

Pastor: Miscommunication at its finest, so asking straight up at the start of relationship is key.

Single: Creating boundaries with male friends.

Bestie: Repeating the cycle of bad relationships is because we believe we can change men. Boundaries are to protect against the cycle from repeating.

Pastor: Let’s say he says, “we are just friends hanging out?” Over time through hanging out, he has feelings she doesn’t or the other way around. Who has the power to end it or who should?

Twelve: I had to remove myself from the situation/relationship. There were pressures from everyone. When I left and removed myself, the pressure was off and I could now identify it and prevent it from recurring. When I entered a new relationship, it wasn’t a thought on who should do what. It was natural and intentionally leading somewhere. Furthermore, know that after marriage when you form friendships, respect that the attraction may still be there. You still need to be self aware and understand that certain situations will still lead to something that shouldn’t.

Pastor: How to persevere the relationship?

Bestie: The lack of affection in the home, lack of communication, and connecting.

Pastor: Let’s talk about affection because to me as a man that means something different. What does that mean to you?

Bestie: There are five love languages. Mine is touch, holding my hand makes me feel on top of the world. My husband’s is acts of service. Him holding my hand is his effort and me playing games with him his my effort to be affectionate with him.

Twelve: For me it is how well you do things based on what I said, holding hands yes, but I don’t like public display of affection.

Pastor: The love languages quiz is new to me. Listening is important to the point I feel rejected when not heard, is that the same for you?

Bestie: Explains a little more about the love languages such as Quality time.

Pastor: Expectations; what are yours for marriage or relationships?

Single: Partnership; this varies for everyone but for me, partnership. For me it is consistency. It’s more than lovey-dovey stuff. It has a purpose. God has a purpose for you and for your marriage. Once that purpose is defined or discovered then the marriage will be a blessing.

Pastor: Partnership, what does that mean?

Single: All levels of life, such as emotional level, spiritual level, physical level. There is a need that needs to be met.

Pastor: I agree, let’s pretend we are all dating profiles walking around and mine read: I expect this list; and even if God sends you the one, they don’t met YOUR expectations. How do you balance your expectations?

Single: Difference from preference to non-negotiable.

Pastor: Married folks, what were your expectations before marriage? If you could go back, how would you change those expectations?

Bestie: We expect our husbands to be our savior's, to heal our loneliness, to heal our depression, and we need to remember they are human too. Don’t expect them to enter marriage and heal all the brokenness that you have beforehand. Some women project that onto men and men fear a relationship because of these unrealistic expectations.

Pastor: Women grow up playing with perfect relationships like Barbies while men grow up playing games. Men see relationships as a game; they try to fix the issues, instead of learning the communication style is different. Just listen, don’t fix it. What are your thoughts?

Bestie: We Godly women need no man, but God blesses us with them, lol! Women think we need to be wives. Women think they need to mothers. When it’s not a need, but a want and a blessing. That idea of a need of a man is prevalent in the church.

Pastor: Marriages are idealism in the church. What are your thoughts on that?

Twelve: I see the good in it for several reasons. Marriage is the only way to have sex with someone, so the church promotes it. It’s a blessing because being a wife and mother is good and wonderful. That’s why I think the church is purposeful in promoting it. Unfortunately, it get taken to the extreme.

Pastor: How do you deal with that burning desire of temptation not to have sex before marriage?

Bestie: The situation we put ourselves in is how we deal with those temptations. Taking our thoughts captive. When we allow desire to take ground in our hearts it makes it more challenging.

Pastor: Taking that further, the rest of that verse talks about putting flesh to death. As visual creatures, anywhere you go there is temptation. Putting to death that flesh, that thought, and disciplining yourself is key. Once you start meditating on those lustful thoughts you dwell on it then it becomes your own thoughts versus something that was fed to you.

Single: Cut it out early before it grows.

Bestie: Surround yourself with like-minded people or else you will be swayed by people that disagree with your choices.

Pastor: Speak to teenagers directly; what impact does sex before marriage have on marriage?

Single: Once you are physically connected to someone you ignore the red flags. Once you abstain yourself you aren’t overwhelmed by the emotion.

Twelve: So many emotions attached to sex. To deal with these at any age is challenge. Adding sex only adds to the confusion of emotions. Practice dealing with the emotions you currently have, so after your marriage you are prepared to deal with the the additional emotion created.

Pastor: When connecting with someone, in other words having sex with them, you lose something because you give them something that you can’t have back.

Twelve: There is a reason God designed sex after marriage. You have developed a friendship, a bond, a forever partner, that is sealed with sex. The feeling is tenfold. It is made and created for its prime.

Single: It’s a gift. You have to make that decision earlier on. When you decide to save it for marriage, find an accountability partner.

Twelve: Touching on the topic of temptation, God gives us desire and He doesn’t give you more than you can take. Take His grace.

Pastor: Three most important things you must have in your relationship?

Bestie: Spiritual security/leadership in the household; open to listen; being a tyrant is no bueno. It is important for both partners to listen, as conversation is a two way street. So humility and open communication.

Single: Spiritual leadership, honesty, consistency.

Twelve, Spiritual leadership, communication, and sense of humor.

Pastor: I’ve been to a lot of churches and there are so many single men. Why do you think that is?

Single: Too many options. We don’t take the time to ask God instead of going to bat at every opportunity. I compare it to buying a house. When buying a house we take so much time to see what we want, what we can afford, etc. Why in a relationship do we not take the time to ask God for guidance? We just take the first opportunity at hand?

Pastor: We should be as picky with our relationships as we are with our material items we highly value.

Bestie: We expect dating to be a swipe left and right and for a man to fill unrealistic expectations.

Pastor: How can the church do it right?

Bestie: Accept rejection and move on. When I declined my husband the first time it was because he wasn’t Christian. He came to church and eventually accepted Christ. Shortly after, I told him I liked him, then he rejected me. It was a journey. Men shouldn’t change their friendship because of rejection, but learn to accept it.

Pastor: There is inequality yoked in the church as well. Meaning, a yoke is a bar placed on the backs of cows to walk. When unequally yoked, the bar isn’t evenly placed.

Bestie: Also, your spouse is not yours. You do not own them. You are blessed with them. To take care of them, not to own them.

Pastor: How do I get me a good Christian girl? Let’s extend the conversation.

Twelve: Get to know them, the conversation may be good but the sustainability isn’t.

Pastor: Some women want marriage so bad that they don’t allow for friendship. How do we address that?

Single: Don’t rush the first date. Allow the conversation to flow to these topics naturally. Allow the boundaries to protect you from temptation.

Pastor: Men don’t know how to be a protector of their sisters. Protect their emotions. If you are a man making lots of friends, then be aware of their emotions.

Single: For example, hanging out one-on-one versus in a group. Know your limits.

Pastor: What do you need from a man in reference to communication?

Bestie: Open, two way street. If you’re going to speak, you have to be willing to listen. Omition at times is bigger/worse than lying.

Twelve: Being willing to share what makes you uncomfortable is honestly the first step. Vulnerable, which means telling me something that you struggle to tell me.

Pastor: Again, to me that means curled up in a corner rocking, lol. Vulnerability looks different for women than men. Is it possible for men to be more vulnerable than women?

Single: Honesty knowing there is no judgement.

Pastor: As a man if you are not emotionally secure, financially secure (meaning willing to work, not rich), why enter in a relationship? How does social media play a role?

******Bestie******: #relationshipgoals post when the household is broken. It can also open doors to saying too much. For example, posting online or sharing too much can lead to leaning on people you shouldn’t, taking or giving advice that shouldn’t be given or taken. Some will post it all over social media and allow others that have no business in putting their two cents influence their relationships. .

Pastor: It’s so easy to be tempted with what we see on those platforms. Careful not only for yourself, but also with our kids and what they are watching.

Twelve: We have the tendency to want to share with the world, but what happens when you break up? What about the next relationship? Consider what it will feel like to have them see you with your ex or be reminded of those times. Consider thinking forward.

Pastor: It’s so addicting to get that attention. While also dating, you become addicted to how you two look to others versus how you look to each other. Be real and honest.

Single: It can also ruin the beginning of the relationship. The cement has not even dried yet and you’re posting pictures allowing others to put their touch on it.

Next week we will have a panel of men..