Treason inside out: on the other side of the barricade

In this article you will learn:
Why cheating is not discussed and condemned in society;
Why do we change - the causes of infidelity;
Is it worth it to admit to treason;
There are taboo topics. About which we are scared, awkward, uncomfortable to talk, even if it hurts a lot and asks. And although society over the past couple of decades has taken a big step towards raising the curtain of truthfulness and realistic feelings, leaving behind the praise of prejudice and public condemnation, we are still not ready to change our mindset so dramatically. We speak of death and betrayal in a whisper.

The past century has called into question all the laws of morality in a global cultural context. But we somehow managed to survive, defend ourselves against this world chaos in our small isolated area of ​​the Soviet-post-Soviet space. It was not enough to destroy even a drop of faith in the eternal, when it was necessary to have a five-year plan in four years and raise children: at least two, three at most. And about betrayal, everything is simple: they are not, and never have been. Neither state nor marital. And if you suddenly are so careless or naive that you say: “It was!” - public condemnation, civil sanctions or worse ... (worse, if the state, of course).

Did bad - bad!
We are not accustomed to complicating taboo topics: did it badly - bad, and there is no need to waste time to deal with this all. That's just any of our action is often due to past traumatic experiences, fears in relationships, complexes. And, yes, we humans are strong-willed creatures and ourselves have the right to do what we do. But do all of us have a clear conscience? It’s more correct to ask a question - is anyone clean? And sometimes you realize that you need to feel sorry for him, and not to finish him off.

Treason has many sides, and one another is different. But this taboo issue leads us to two extremes: a complete renunciation of moral standards in this matter, free relations or the justification of one of the spouses (often men) in his "natural" infidelity; the second extreme is the categorical censure of any interest in the opposite sex among one's half, a ban on communication, control, unwillingness to understand the reasons for one night on the side of a repentant and really loving partner.

This article is not an attempt to justify the infidels. This is just information, and you decide what to do with it. But with this article I will try to convey a new look at cheating, at their causes, at the feelings of traitors. I really want her to help, first of all, to prevent the vice of those who are weak in their feelings and beliefs and are close to stumbling. And she helped those who were betrayed to forgive and leave the infidels in the past. I also want to say that at least sometimes it seems that there is no relationship without infidelity - this is not so. The conscious union of two adults is always love, happiness, loyalty. Love you and understanding!

Reasons for cheating
You can look for thousands of excuses and reasons, talk about the mismatch of temperaments, the polygamous nature of man, and continue to shift responsibility to chance. However, infidelity in a couple is a question studied, and any of our behavior has its own reasons, buried in thinking, emotional needs, fears and complexes. Psychologists note several types of adultery. Each of them has its own reasons and goals.

Passion, storm, emotions
The normal development of relations involves several stages that stretch over years, where crazy love is only the first of them. Falling in love is accompanied by intrigue, idealization of a partner, passion and a constant feeling of euphoria. There are people for whom such an “emotional swing”, where there is also fear, the excitement of being exposed, has become a habit and has become a constant need.

Psychologist Scott Wooley classifies this type of adultery as "romantic betrayal." It is based on fantasies and is often fleeting, or even disposable. A vivid example is a resort romance. No responsibility, people do not know each other at all, they are captivated by a strong attraction and do not plan to develop it.

Although there is another side to this “romance”. It can last for years, when a person is “torn” between two partners and cannot choose one. With one, there can be good mutual understanding in everyday life and intellectual correspondence, with the other, good sex or emotional interaction. In fact, the cheater is not close to any of the partners in this case.

To this type are more likely men, as they are easier to tolerate duality.

Many blame in this case, both spouses believe that if a husband/wife is not satisfied in some, the blame for it. In fact, in a normal relationship everyone needs to feel comfortable and protected, while remaining itself. And if one of a pair of uncomfortable, something lacking in a relationship is a reason to work on them, or to disperse in the worst case.

Treason-the protest
Anger and resentment, impulsive desire to "take revenge", "harm", "to teach" are the basis of this kind of infidelity. It may be after the disclosure of the betrayal of a partner in revenge – "an eye for an eye", and because of some personal grudge. This is akin to "He's not a flowers", "I don't cook.", "He doesn't care about me", "She's with me not sleeping". Often changing such infantile and not able to talk about his offense, to Express feelings. In the mind of the cheater to fully blame for the offense lies with the partner.

Act nedolyublennosti
Cheating for the sake of attracting attention, the call of jealousy from your partner. Thus the attention of another man to say, "Look, I'm important to someone else!". It is often not confident with the one you love and want confirmation that it is appreciated that it is important that it will not leave. Oddly enough, but that's the kind of treason speaks about the importance of these relations. Usually before the formal adultery, such conduct does not come: this is often fun, time together and in close communication with people of the opposite sex. This behavior is not hidden, but advertised, often willfully.

Fatigue and burnout
This is the most calculating, cold and unemotional (in respect of spouse) is a kind of infidelity. Often it is not accompanied by fear of being found out, because sometimes just the same purpose – to declare that it's over, and provoke partner to care. Often, these "trips left" occur due to the cooling of the spouses to each other, mutual disappointment, the choice of different roads of life. They can curb the habit, the children, the reluctance of litigation with the division of property at divorce... Attempts to preserve the relationship was unsuccessful and now none of them don't have any hopes.

This is probably the most painless affair. Often, it happens on both sides. But the old relationship will still last a burden, and whether or not it is worth "suffering", just to change nothing? Sometimes drastic action is needed to open a new life.

Self-assertion and dangerous games
Behavior is inherent in those who seek to assert themselves by humiliating their partner. He talks about the desire to declare his authority, to show “who is in charge here”, to keep the other dependent and inability to fight back. Such chronic betrayal can only be in an unhealthy, destructive, co-dependent relationship. Often found among abusers.

Passion as a drug
A kind of compulsive betrayal. When a person, by virtue of his psychological trauma or mental characteristics, cannot resist desire. Such a person visits strip clubs and brothels, is prone to promiscuous one-time connections. He does not feel shame, guilt, or fear of being caught. Initially attracted by such a cheater for its brightness and spontaneity. He is a daffodil who can and can do anything, with him so much fun, he dilutes gray days ... But soon the charm glasses fall off and there remains only a terrible sediment on the soul and a constant feeling of abandonment next to him. It is necessary to escape from such a relationship as soon as you notice a trick, because it is in such conditions that a strong destructive dependence on love is born.

We make up for the flaw ...
These and many other individual reasons push us to treason. We often lack proximity. For example, Z. Freud noted that often an adult man strives to satisfy two needs: to make up for maternal love and to have a partner-lover, a companion of life. And, interestingly, the wife does not always play the role of “mother,” sometimes men go “to the left” precisely in the search for tenderness and recognition. By the way, that is why there is a justified stereotype that men need frequent praise and greed for flattery - this is one of the types of demonstration of unconditional love that, unfortunately, only parents can give.

People also do not know how to combine passion, attraction with care and tenderness. It is especially difficult for men to combine such concepts, however sad it may be. We associate one person with one of his fortunes next to him, which is probably why the romantic dream is so popular: "Every day he is new," "Every day she is different." But is it real when you have been together for many years?

This lack of new experiences, which we seek, may be due to the limitations of modern life, or trying to regain lost past. For example, a woman could not be realized in his career due to the fact that at the time, chose a traditional role in the family after the marriage. For many years she was a homemaker and now wants to make up for lost.

Lack of creativity is the basis of this treason. Both men and women. If you look closely, many reasons derive from one another: creative realization – self-esteem – lack of recognition... But experts in the field of psychology is still advised to choose the path of realization of their abilities and ideas, since the desire to change is deceptive and will not bring the expected satisfaction with your life.

Guilt and whether to admit
A man stands on the periphery of two opposing forces: society expects him to be monogamous, nature has put in us polygamist. Adopted in the society system of values is forcing us to look for thousands of "excuses" for his infidelity and tormented with an intolerable sense of guilt and shame.

Psychologists say that treason only need the cheater. The confession of his infidelity is an attempt to share the responsibility for action with those who didn't. This is an attempt to clear his conscience and get rid of the guilt. Can you really justify such a love confession? Spouse will feel unhappiness, abandonment, betrayal. It is unlikely he will appreciate this honesty. Reasons to tell the truth like "I don't want to cheat," "we promised to always be honest" making excuses for the present "I want to feel less awful."

Of course, betrayal is always difficult. And if you have already taken this step, find the strength in yourself to cope with the consequences and be responsible for your act. Ask yourself: what have I learned from this situation? Ask yourself how you feel now about your husband / wife, and what about the person with whom you changed? Interestingly, sometimes cheating allows you to build relationships. But only in the case of deep work on yourself, your feelings and these very relationships.
This is what happens to a couple
An interesting fact is claimed by some psychologists. Treason is what happens to a couple. Not with one person. This awareness allows you to look at the situation differently. She always testifies to something. This is a bell that something is wrong. Yes, many begin to value their halves more after such an “adventure”. Many eventually forget about a one-time adventure and everything is getting better. But just as often, the relationship collapses soon, because the reason was the very crack that eventually turned everything into ruins. And this devastation would occur regardless of the fact of betrayal. There is nothing that cannot be resolved. But the road is due to the strength of the one who is walking - the one who takes responsibility on his shoulders and looks the truth in the eye. Yes, relationships after treason exist. But they require a lot of consciousness and maturity.