forgiveness, fearlessness and football, oh my!

photo credit: joe adea

when my friends and family suggested that i start a blog, my main concern was not having a theme. i have, however, made some big changes in my life recently that could be interesting but still no through line... and then it hit me. not having a theme, per se, is totally my life. it may be a little bipolar but it's honest and real. with that in mind, i am tackling three very different realities of my life these days: forgiveness, fearlessness and football.

according to books and articles i've read these past few months, forgiveness is a big part of moving forward and letting go. beamer asked me to forgive him the last time we saw each other. i explained that i didn't think that there was anything to forgive, we were both in the relationship after all, but told him that i forgave him because he needed to hear it.

life is not always pretty. things happen. you snap at one of your girlfriends because a text from a guy threw you off. you forget to pick up a friend from lax because your phone died in the middle of the night. you realize things aren't going to change nine years in... you take responsibility, say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness. you move on, still great friends. you forgive yourself.

i take full responsibility for my decision to go back to beamer and spend three more years with him. ending our relationship was devastatingly sad and disappointing for both of us. pointing fingers and holding on to anger won't do anything but make us both more miserable. don't get me wrong, there was anger, rage even, but why hang on to that? we spent nine good years together, so when we do talk to each other, we focus on being kind, supportive and loving towards each other. we can only do that because of forgiveness.

my life has changed dramatically in less than a year because of choices i've made. i quit my job waiting tables after twelve years and broke off my nine year relationship with beamer days later. i didn't officially move out for another three months and have since been trying to live up to the fearlessness of those choices. it's scary to leave a job you know like the back of your hand; scarier to leave a man who's loved you, flaws and all, for almost a decade... but, sometimes, you just have to.

i'm now trying to summon that fearlessness as i attempt dating again. after nearly a decade in a relationship, the idea of going on a date was beyond surreal to me but i eventually started a profile on an online dating site (i know!). you have to be fearless to put yourself out there and meet a complete stranger. even more so to refuse another date when you're just not interested... it's scary, but i'm fearless in my belief that there's someone out there who wants the same things i do and will find me as amazing as i find him.

and when he does show up, i really hope he likes the nfl because i am a cheesehead. what can i say? i grew up in wisconsin... i'm the girl who plays fantasy football, owns a dozen jerseys (rodgers in every color), and will happily spend sundays with friends watching football all day trash talking with other fans. i love the nfl network and sportscenter, especially during football season. when my packers won the superbowl in 2010, i watched all the looped coverage of the game and post game celebrations and interviews for as long as they aired it. a week or so maybe, and it still wasn't enough.

football is fast, furious and fun to watch. there's something sexy in the athleticism and strategy of the game. i love watching men play with so much heart until the very last second. the passion in their eyes is simultaneously inspiring and frightening. they are fearless... or at least they pretend to be. and why not? sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. i've certainly put on that cloak of fearlessness or painted it on my face whenever i've felt vulnerable, and i'll keep doing it until that fearlessness becomes real... the way it was when i was ten. until then, i will forgive myself for whatever shortcoming i may have and treat myself as kindly as i would treat my closest friend.

*originally published on blogspot. saturday, july 30th 2013
http://livingandlovingandlaughingohmy.blogspot.com/2013/07/forgiveness-fearlessness-and-football.html

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