Ep.17 How I Released My Fears In Rose Wine

I missed writing the other day, because of the farewell party we had with the people at the office. Mostly on the last part of my life I dont drink alcohol in big amounts. I have a glass of wine now and then and a bear once-twice per month. So I would say I wont qualify even as a social drinker. Yesterday it was a different day. I had plenty of wine at the party. Almost over a bottle I would say.

I remembered how my body is cooping with alcohol, i use to drink quite a lot in my student time. I am not good at sharing bits about me and even though I felt great within the company and the party was amazing I had pieces of my soul shivering. My dad had yesterday a complicated heart surgery (apparently a success) but he is still connected to all the machines and he will be able to leave that room on Sunday only. i

I was/am afraid that even everything supposed to be a great success, something abnormal could happen. So I was more than my usual margin of 2 wineglasses. I had 5-6 I guess, until i forgot the counting. I even remember i bought another one almost when everybody was ready to go home. For me it was early as i still could feel the fear. I am not good at bothering my friends wit my fear stories, just last night perhaps it might be a great idea. Nothing terrible happen, i dont even get drunk :)) or maybe I experienced my last version of drunkenness, the one with an awareness blend.

I decided to leave the party at 23 and on the walk to the tube to my house I meditate how unskillful I was trying to approach my fears. I am afraid still that something bad will happen but I need to let my mind create this scenarios. It's kind of her job and I will not have an easy weekend. I just let it be as it is. It was not the rose's fault or something, it happens to be a good wine is just the reason that bothers me. After so many years of meditation, sometimes I still want to escape the reality and choose numbness. It's kind of sad :)

Anyway we are here to experiment life as it is and not as we believe it should be. I'm far from perfection, even though i indulge myself sometimes in admiring my skills. Is the flaws that brings questions and help us grow.

Hugs from a very worm London,

Teodora