Ready to get out of emotional dependence?

in cervantes •  last year 


We all share this need to be loved. However, for some, this need can become obsessive, with negative consequences for relationships, be they friendly, romantic or professional.


  • The origins of emotional dependence

  • The fear of being alone

  • Anxiety of disagreement with others

  • Expectations never met

  • Affective dependence: how to get out?

Emotional dependence

"Emotional dependent, we are all more or less," says psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum. Becoming aware of this obsessive need is already a step towards more harmonious relationships that begin with oneself.

The origins of emotional dependence

Of course, emotional dependence does not happen by chance. "Originally, they were mainly children who did not get enough emotional attention," says the therapist. Small, often, lacked nothing, finally from a material point of view. In addition, they have probably integrated messages such as "be good, see that mom is tired" or "leave your father alone, had a difficult day". As a result, the child learns through time to always pass after another. When he is young, it is customary to take into account the fatigue of his mother, the worries of his father or the dream of his little sister ...
Once he is an adult, he continues to believe that, in order to be loved, he must above all satisfy the needs of others, which are the priorities. He even ends up confusing them with his own. As a result, it depends mainly on the eyes of others!

The fear of being alone

France is single, loves to write, is a lonely activity, neglects the benefit of chat in forums or long conversations with friends over the phone. "The current dependency is accompanied by a real difficulty to be alone", deciphers Sylvie Tenenbaum ... The attention of the other is vital! Going out alone in the cinema, like in the restaurant, is not really possible. In everyday life, these people use social networks more than others. In the office, they excessively seek the opinion of others, when they do not permanently seek to serve them. Often under the protection of kindness. Actually, they are constantly looking for signs of love and gratification.


Anxiety of disagreement with others

Patrick does not know how to say no. Her ex calls her when she has a problem, a friend comes out unexpectedly and he responds present. Most of the time, of course, at the expense of those needs for him. "Emotional addicts do not take into account, they are desperate to be loved, they have a great capacity for adaptation, they are true chameleons!" Says the psychotherapist. "As you want" could be your relational creed, your existence is suspended to the wishes of the other. That is why the slightest disagreement is experienced as dramatic, which leads to the feeling that we no longer love them. In the end, they really do not know who they are, what they like and what they need.

Expectations never met

The drama of the emotional addict should never be satisfied with what is given. "He's always disappointed because he does not get the love he wants," says Sylvie Tenenbaum. Whatever signs of affection are shown to you, they are never good or never enough. Desperate to be loved, he never feels valued enough, he does so much for the other.
As a result, his chronic dissatisfaction forces him at one time or another to change to the opposite behavior where reproaches flow. Totally disguising a friend, a lover or an office colleague, so accustomed to his extreme kindness. Surprised, the latter can take a certain distance, even momentarily, which nonetheless contributes to creating problems in the emotional addict, who later feels rejected ... In reality, it is a vicious circle.

Affective dependence: how to get out?

In consultation, it is rare, of course, for a person to define himself as an emotional addict. Most of the time, the problem revolves around the difficulty of making friends, maintaining good relationships in the office or in love. The complaint often revolves around the fact that nobody appreciates them at their true value or worse, does not like them! The roads to escape are mainly residents in an improvedbetter self-esteem "It's about making them understand that they are kind and do not need to do the same or too much," adds the psychotherapist.
Knowing ourselves better will allow us to better understand our own needs, and allow us to satisfy and love one another. Sometimes a therapeutic work is necessary to realize that, in the end, they are responsible for their happiness, and that it is not based on the attention that the other gives them or not.

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