Free cat

I have the offer of a lifetime for you here today. For a short time only, I am offering a free cat to the first responder, who will get to look after it for the rest of their natural lives. Here it is:

Here are the answers to the questions, the inevitable questions.

How many lives?
8 lives left. She did come back in one morning and lay down in her basket and did not look like she would get up again. Turns out her leg was hanging off. For a while it looked as though she’d be put to sleep, but sadly someone decided to spend hundreds of pounds to have her leg wired back in to place. She now has all the mobility of a cat half her age.

What’s its name?
Wanders away to the call of ‘Lily’.

Can I keep her mister? For real? Can I?
Yes.

Will it catch and kill mice and small birds?
I can’t rule that out, but on the whole she’s useless at everything, except attention seeking.

Will food be provided?
Whatever cat food is left you can have. She won’t bloody eat it though.

What else comes with the package?
Cat carrier thing for when you want to take her somewhere against her will. Every basket that has ever been bought for her has been slept in once (by her of course) and then discarded. She seems to enjoy sleeping in paper bags (paper bags will not be provided – but if it’s a deal breaker, I’ll see what I can do).

Like so.

Will this cat give me companionship and love?
You might mistake it’s near constant need to have its stupid little chin stroked as love - but it will only ever brush up against you because it wants something. It won’t fall asleep on your lap, and it does not want to be picked up. It generally just wants to be brushed or fed.

Why are you getting rid of her?

1. It’s not really my cat (but I do have the authority to give it away)

2. I’ve tried to humanely dispose of Lily several times.

• I’ve had her driven out to the country and left in a field. She came back.
• I’ve hidden her in luggage and left her at the airport.
• I took her swimming. She can swim.
• I’ve put her in a plastic bag and left her out for collection. She somehow got free.
• I’ve tried to scare her into a heart attack several times by jumping out from behind a sofa. I’ve done more injury to myself.
• I’ve put her in the crosshairs of a ‘mentally unstable’ dog. To get an idea of her character I should tell you that she pulled the trigger on that one - by being too carefree, too smug, perhaps a bit too regal in the presence of an unhinged canine.
• I even went to the trouble of living on a busy main road - and she has survived TEN YEARS.

Although it breaks my own heart to do it, I have exhausted all other options and now have to consider giving her to a loving home.

But…I don’t have what it takes to look after another thing
Trust me, you do. Lily was once stuck up a tree for a week in front of my house. I thought she’d run off and I was happy for a while. But she was up there, mewing in the cold and the rain, perched perilously on a branch. If a cat wants to go up a tree, it will. It’s not your fault. It’s also not your job to get it down again - a man with a ladder got it down for me. What does this tell you? People like cats and will step in when needed.

Why do I need a cat in my life?

The most pertinent of questions. I had to think a long time about this, but here are some guesses:

• You may have a small child who can spend time antagonising it for their own amusement, while giving you a rest.
• You may have given up on love, and are entertaining the notion of spending the rest of your life needlessly showering kindness and attention on a creature that will never reciprocate (a bit like a failed marriage or exactly like Julianne Moore in the hit movie Assassins).
• Maybe you are hoping to launch a successful YouTube channel.


To register your interest, come and say hello in the comments! This is my first post here, happy to be part of this fine community.

Love you. Bye now.