My Christmas by Ivan the cat

Well, allow me to introduce myself. I am Ivan and I am a smooth haired pure black cat. I have beautiful hair that’s so shiny you can almost see your face in it. Well my story is slightly different, you see I’m more intelligent than the big fat fluff ball. I am more subtle in my approach I’m not half as clumsy and I’m more well balanced. I came into the fold about 2 years ago. I was only young and impressionable and lost my way from my previous owners. 

One night I followed a human I liked the look of as she walked along the road staggering. (I think she had been drinking, or the meds hadn’t kicked in properly) and I followed her for a mile. She spotted me but I was quick and sleek dodging in and out of the shadows. I didn’t let her out of my site though. When she got to her house, I waited for the door to open then I bolted in. She couldn’t stop me or aim straight to catch me. I have been there ever since. That’s how you get a home let me tell you. I really have a good life and you can tell as I put on a little bit of weight. I overheard one of owners call me a little fat puma once which wasn’t very nice and a bit hurtful I have to say. Good job they can’t interpret my meows! I also heard them for months trying to find my owners to no avail. It wasn’t very nice knowing they were trying to get rid of me and to top it off for three months I was known as Sky. Being classed as a female did nothing for my confidence and it took 3 of them interrogating my privates to come to the rightful conclusion that I am male. I felt absolutely violated. 

Now thank god they have stopped being ridiculous and I am now classed as part of the family. My first Christmas was exciting, all the paper, food and treats was just like paradise for me rolling around tugging away at pieces of paper, slapping the dog when he came near me……… just because I can. I remember going into the kitchen, having my breakfast and having a little treat. Normally me and the mutt have a small saucer of milk at tea time each although I tend to drink his with him. Getting two fat hairy faces in the same bowl is a challenge but it serves a purpose. However that morning we had it first thing, then they put on our outfits and we strolled in the living room watching everyone open their presents. I heard that previously the dog ate the advent calendar. It was hilarious when i heard them talking about it . I can just imagine it, that fat greedy fluff ball always tries to eat my food. Does he not realise its called kitekat not kitedog for a reason? Useless mutt. 

I don’t like being too far away from home, my favourite place is the kitchen window sill or next doors porch. I remember sat there on Christmas day watching the dog being dragged around the street as Santa Claus resting in the comfort that they are not attempting to do the same with me. That made me feel good. Me and the dog have come to some kind of agreement now. He knows who’s boss. He doesn’t mess about now trying to eat my food or push me off my owners lap. No he backs the hell off and leaves me alone.  I got him good and proper this Christmas. This is genius. I squeezed myself under the coffee table (Not so much of a fat puma now am I ?) and waited for the stupid mutt to come running passed. Now I’m not quite sure what happened next and if it was shock, sheer clumsiness or lack of balance, but I stuck my paws out really quick and he jumped, I mean really jumped into what I can only describe as a weird sideward somersault. He jumped up completely bedazzled, my owners were beside themselves laughing their socks off. I have to say it was a very proud moment. Told you I was intelligent and slick. 

Anyway back to Christmas. I really don’t mind being dressed up as Rudolf as long as I have a lap to sit on I’m happy. I’m not like the grumpy fur ball, he looks even more stupid when he’s miserable. He needs to wag his tail more the miserable git. This Christmas I didn’t eat my Brussel Sprout. I tried just to be polite but I couldn’t manage it. I too climbed on the lap of one of my owners and snuggled right into them. This is the life I thought. I even looked at the dog and for one split second had a feeling of love. It didn’t last long and I was sure to give him a Christmas slap later on. 

There is something quite wholesome about having pets and as mischievous as they are to me a home is not a home without them, even with the dog hairs and repetitive peeing up my wash basket.