My Application to Write for Your Cannabis Dispensary, Magazine, or Weed-Related Business of Any Kind.

in cannabis •  last year  (edited)

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Dear CEO of my favorite cannabis company,

I’m a 32-year-old indie rapper, travel-writer, and chronic chronic smoker. I also have a very expensive postgraduate degree in creative writing, with a focus in poetry. Nothing would make me happier than to write for your business and combine my three favorite passions: wordplay, travel (I assume you fly writers to your location), and smoking top-notch weed.

As requested, I’ve written a review of an imaginary strain (so cool!) in my own style. So, without further ado, here’s an example of what I can do:

Name : Crocodile Dundee Kush (yeah, I made that sh*t up).

Strain : Indica.

Description : A dank Kush grown outdoors in crocodile feed compost.

Look and feel : Pine-forest green buds with chocolate hairs. Sticky-icky.

Energy Ranking : 8.4, Dark. (see my Patreon page for ranking system).

Activities : Play standup base. Write stream of consciousness poetry. Paint (but only on BIG surfaces—Pollock style). Listen to Kendrick Lamar's discography backwards. Imitate yoga poses on a thickly carpeted floor.

Mood : Nostalgic. Reflective. Potentially heartbreaking.

Goes well with : Orange juice. Cucumber vodka with a splash of 7-Up. Malt liquor (I was surprised too!). Peanut M&M's (obviously).

Personal Experience : I smoked it with a sprinkle of organic tobacco from Chiapas out of my 3-foot bong Lucy-fo-sho and found myself in the 90’s dipping Ho-hos, Ding Dongs and Tasty Cakes in a bowl of old-fashioned cow’s milk and watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on a VHS that came with a Burger King Happy Meal back in 1993. When the effects wore down a little (don’t worry it’s a smooth come down, like rollin’ down a grassy hill in a heavy sweater), I drove to my town's old Blockbuster and sat in the parking lot listening to the Fugees and racking my brain over what year Crocodile Dundee came out—1986! Then I practiced my Australian accent (still shit), went home and fell asleep.

Warning : Crocodile Dundee Kush is for grown-up weed smokers. Don’t overdo it or risk waking up on the couch in a pile of tear-soaked Doritos.

Final Notes : If you’re looking for a three-hour nap, a dreamless night sleep, or a way to forget you married the wrong person for a couple of hours, this is the Kush for you. Also, good for pain relief.

Look, this is just a taste of what I can do, the tip of the iceberg, if I may. I’m capable, qualified and willing to write everything from SEO packed internet-friendly list articles, five paragraph persuasive essays, research papers, standard 16-bar rap verses, sestinas, haikus, tankas, spoken word, and free verse poetry about your weed.

Let me be blunt (see what I did there?), if you’ve got good weed (and we both know you do), I’ll make magic happen.

Peace, Weed & Happiness,
Nate Lost

PS: If this doesn’t work out I’m going to have to get a real job, like teaching in a school or something, and the truth is, I don’t like kids. And I sure as hell don't like getting up before 11 AM. I like weed. And I like writing. Let’s work together.

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