Help me understand why you have to smoke weed everytime we go to a function or event.
This topic is an extremely touchy one for me, but I honestly need to understand the WHY behind it, for my own damn sanity and peace of mind. I need to talk about this and find out by whoever is reading this, if they are a smoker, why I have this issue in my life. I want it gone! I'm referring to this damn anger that builds up inside of me when this happens, the smoking before or at a social gathering.
I'm writing this article because this has been haunting me for almost two years & as I mentioned before it is draining on me, this anger that I get when it happens. Now I'm not a smoker, but I have tried it before ( about 3 times ) & it's just not for me. I have absolutely nothing against people that smoke. I mean, I know people that smoke & they are some of the most intelligent, funny people I know. I can go to a BBQ and be totally ok if people around me smoked. Hey, it's your life, you can do what you want with it.
But here's when it really gets to me, and stick with me here. I get this intense anger, where I reach my boiling point so to speak, when someone I'm close with, be it in a romantic capacity or a very close friend, accompanies me to a BBQ let's say, and they always have to smoke weed when there. I have tried to analyse this for months on end. I absolutely don't want to feel this way, but I just cannot help myself. I have tried to understand why I get mad, and I'm 99% sure I've found the root of "the problem" so to speak.
- I feel that if you smoke weed while with me at whatever function, that I'm not enough for you to enjoy yourself. I feel that you need the weed to have a good time, and without it ( even with me there ), you're not enjoying yourself.
And that thought, or way of thinking, gets me so mad that this incredible resentment towards the person and the weed is invoked within a few seconds. Which in turn makes me think, "Why am I even here?" or "I obviously don't mean as much to you as the weed does". My company, my presence. It makes me think that I mean nothing to this person. That if this person valued my company, or me as a person, they wouldn't smoke while at said function.
Aaaah, but here's where it gets interesting. By me saying that, I become selfish, controlling and self-centered. I just said earlier that it's your life and you can do with it as you please. Contradiction much? Yes, I'm well aware of that, and that's why it's been haunting me for so long. I don't want to tell you what to do, I don't want to judge you, but the minute you light up I do. I try so hard not to, but every bone in my body tells makes me resent you. & that in turn causes so many problems, and even arguments and fights.
I don't want to be that guy that judges weed or weed smokers, but I get like that unfortunately. Ok, here's another curve ball you didn't know about....
- If you smoke weed with me alone ( I don't smoke only you do ), then I'm 100% fine with it!
Heck because I know you smoke I'll even ask you, "Would you like to smoke because I know you haven't smoked today". Do you see the @!!#$ problem I'm sitting with here? I hate it when you smoke with others at a social gathering, but I'm fine if you smoke with me alone. If we attend a social gathering and you smoke when we get home, I'm fine with it. For me that shows you could've enjoyed yourself with me and you didn't need the weed to have a good time.
I've thought about this and I think those feelings stem from a place where I'm worried about you with others smoking. I'm worried that you'll get pulled into doing something you don't want to while high with others. But that isn't my problem! It's your life. So why the !!@$ am I stressing about this? I stress because I'm scared. Yes, I'm scared. I'm afraid the weed will take my place as the person who makes you enjoy yourself.
I'm afraid that after all the time we've known each other, you will replace me with weed. & that is my biggest fear. That I will become obsolete. Forgotten. That whenever you want a good time you run to the weed and not to me. Selfish? I think so, but I need some advice from the smokers or anyone who's been in this situation. I need help to understand why you do it or how I can overcome this damn feeling I get everytime.
I smoke cigarettes, everyday. I'm a smoker. I don't drink alchohol. I just don't like the taste of it. When I was younger I used to get drunk and party etc, but not anymore. For clarity regarding this problem, the weed smoker is late 30's, I'm early 40's. I honestly want to find some kind of solution to this issue I have. It's causing arguments and fights with this individual whom I care for & love deeply & it's tearing us apart.
The saying, "If you cannot handle it then walka way" comes to mind, but I don't want to walk away, I care too much for this person. I WILL NOT walk away. There has to be a solution. I refuse to believe that this problem of mine cannot be resolved.
Just advise me what I can try or do. I'm open to any suggestions. ( Smoking weed aswell isn't an option lol ). I have nothing against people who smoke as I've mentioned before.
I want to be that guy that doesn't have anything against the weed smoking. I want to be that guy that doesn't have a problem with it and can laugh and have a good time with you when you smoke.
Help me with suggestions on what I can try. Whatever it is. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Please, I'm asking for help / advice.
Everything you said and "thought" about was about you. Not once did you reflect on her feelings, other things that might not have to do with you at all?
You want to tell her how she should act and feel about you. If you don't feel like a hero there is no amount of attention some
one can give you to make you feel important.
This is totally about you, and you are going to have difficulty in any relationship. Just because someone is interested in other things does not mean they don't enjoy you.
If you find a girl who wants to change her entire life just so she can bask in the sheer joy of being with.... "YOU", she will make you crazy with her neediness.
You say it all in your comment and better than me @whatsup ;)
@iamnotageek If you really like someone, you will accept that person with their virtues and their defects ... And well, this applies to all aspects of life because, as we say in Cuba, "in life everything always comes with a spoonful of salt and a spoonful of sugar".
Btw, weed is not so bad, alcohol is much much worst and complete legal and socially accepted ... but I am a smoker so, maybe I am been a bit byas here ;)
Very very wise words, as much as they hurt. Thank you for your honesty.
You're right, I do seem like a selfish prick. Not what I want at all.
You have opened my eyes. Wow, what a selfish jerk I have been.
@Whatsup hit the nail on the head. Sounds like fear and jealousy, like a needy girlfriend. Sounds like you could really benefit from smoking weed, lol. But for some reason, the people that need it the most won't use it. I remember you tried it a while back so kudos for that. Not really sure what else to tell you, but... chillout, be confident. Imagine that she does go and smoke weed with some people and does a bunch of cool stuff with them. It's her life, if she's happy, you should be happy for her.
You are absolutely correct. I think it does stem from a place of fear and jealousy as I mentioned in the post. The fear of being replaced with weed for happiness, that I'm not enough.
But that's where confidence comes in.
Thank you for the great comment my friend. & more importantly, your honesty.
I knew you could take it, you already know the truth. You can never depend on anyone else for your happiness. I am reminded of this quote:
Absolutely brilliant quote !
While I've been a non-weed smoker for a very long time, I do have a point of view that may be helpful: Weed is an anxiety reliever. Social events can cause anxiety in many of us. And that's no reflection on our partners or friends. It just IS.
I take anxiety meds, and they help. But for many people, weed is a simple and easy (and now legal in lots of places) substitute that works.
You're right, I have been told it's to, "help me relax". I don't use weed to relax, I guess I'm expecting someone else to do what I do. Which is wrong.
I get it....if someone can never be totally straight edge ever with me I see it that they have really bad anxiety, then you have to ask yourself if you are okay with someone self medicating or not.....everything imho from caffeine, booze to pot is a form of self medication. Personally, if someone can function on weed I can care less but I've also seen people become completely unhinged not having it
No this individual is fine without it. I guess it stems from a point of selfishness from my end. Reading these comments is hard for me but I needed to hear it. That's why I made the post in the first place.
I'll change my attitude regarding this.
hey man thats fine if you feel that way, we all have our issues to work through
Some people like weed, I don't even drink and I'm giving up mix too. When you're a mercurial personality type it can make an amazing difference to your comfort level around other people when you've had a smoke, for others it makes them uncomfortable, its all about the mental space and social context.
Some people have also fought their whole lives to be allowed to smoke freely, so here and there you might run into those that are offended when they're told not to smoke for whatever reason.
I know there are many other reasons for people to smoke and some arent emotionally healthy, who knows if his or her reasoning is sound at the end of the day, we're all figuring that out.
How do you feel this compares to people who drink at a BBq, I drink coffee at get togethers and people look at me weird, where do we decide when to interfere with peoples practices, perhaps its better if we learn to deal with our conflict concerning other peoples habits internally so we can become more harmonious?
I know I'm a little intolerant of drinkers some times, perhaps that's similar.
Thank you for the reply my friend. I just want to know how to change my way of thinking regarding this. I want it gone! ( The feeling / way of thinking ).
I think the best thing to do is to invoke the perspective of improvisation, so every time you're thrown a curveball you get the chance to improvise in some creative way, you can have fun with the opportunities life presents you, like for instance a conscious decision to use the moment to catch up with your friends, and explore one or two things in their altered state with them might turn out yieldy in the long run, since you become closer friends.
Improvisation is very emotionally positive, we tap into the power of our reward centers when we improvise socially, its very good for dispelling negative emotion.
Maybe there is something else going on and you "blame" it on weed because it's feels more logic or something?
I smoke every single day, not to get superstoned but to "feel normal". Sometimes even my gf can't tell if I've been smoking and we have been living together for 6 years.
She sometimes asks "you wanna smoke before we leave the house?" just because she knows that I'm more focused, relaxed and less stressed while I'm high.
I have ADD and I can handle some situations much better just because I can focus on that exact thing at the given moment. For example watching a movie, it's superhard for me to stay still and focus on the movie for 2 hours straight if I haven't smoked.
The only thing that I don't do while being high, is driving and that is just my own decision.
So my point is that some people need to have something to help them with stress. anxiety etc. It could be alcohol, cigarettes, weed or even bubblegum. You have your thing, let other have theirs :)
But if somebody is like way too high everytime you meet them and they can't really do shit, that's fucking annoying.
"You have your thing, let other have theirs :)"
You are absolutely right here. I don't approve of smoking and driving, and I don't care what anyone says. I will NEVER approve of that, ever. If I care deeply about someone and they decide to drive WHILE smoking, then I walk. I don't want to get that phone call saying that person got into an accident whilst under the influence of weed.
Sorry but no. I've read all these comments and I'm extremely grateful for everyone's honesty. Some things I read hurt but I asked for advice and I got it. & I needed to hear some of these things.
Thank you for the comment my friend.
I'm sure you'll find your own way ! =)
Interesting subject - wife and I have discussed this many times over the 35 years we've been together. We've decided that we're lucky that both of us enjoy the state of mind that cannabis brings, and we've seen the struggles that couples have when only one of them gets high. There is an undeniable separation that occurs.
Now ... I am a creature of the 20th century with all its old habits, instincts, defenses. We couldn't be shamelessly open about it and it always had a stigma attached. But even today, you must admit to yourself (not being a user of mind-altering substances) that it disappoints you to see people use "a crutch" to enjoy their lives. No? I understand that you've made your peace with it, but you must still wish that she'd join you in your world view instead of habitually returning to hers - a place that's difficult for you to go.
Others have pointed to the social anxiety issue and I agree. Many of us have a hard time behaving "naturally" around people we don't know well. So we drink, or we smoke, in order to put a curtain between us and those around us. That's part of the distance you feel when you're with her in public and she's high. You're separated from her along with the others, and if others are high, they seem to have an affinity with her that you don't have at the time. Ouch.
My advice to you, from a man who has smoked for 50 years, 35 of them with his wife, is to find that place in your own mind that she finds when she's high. If you want to live your life with her, you must confront the difference between your approach to "reality" and hers. You can meet in the middle and that's fun and everything, but at some point you're going to have to live there. Can you? What will you have to sacrifice? Examine yourself. Are you waiting for her to grow up and quit smoking? Truly, what if she won't/can't/doesn't?
I won't make light of it. It's a serious issue - not because it's cannabis but because it's something you don't share. Perspective, worldview, the manner in which we overcome obstacles, are all things that a couple must eventually share.
Find that state of mind in yourself that people find when they're high. The two of you do well together, but you feel apart from her when she's with other people who are high and you're not.
As to why we reach for cannabis so often ... there are valid and invalid reasons. Mostly we feel more "right" when we're high around others. There's an axiom about introverted vs extroverted people: Extroverts gain energy from a crowd, and introverts lose energy. How do you each approach a crowd?
Good luck!
Absolutely brilliant comment.
"That's part of the distance you feel when you're with her in public and she's high. You're separated from her along with the others, and if others are high, they seem to have an affinity with her that you don't have at the time."
Exactly this! I feel left out, at a lower level so to speak.
"The two of you do well together, but you feel apart from her when she's with other people who are high and you're not."
Yes, yes, and yes again. This is exactly how I feel. & that invokes the anger within me.
"My advice to you, from a man who has smoked for 50 years, 35 of them with his wife, is to find that place in your own mind that she finds when she's high."
I'm not sure how to do this. If I can do this I'll be ok with it.
Thank you so very much for this!
Oh Man, you also want to know what grinds my gears? People that drink around me. Like why do you do this to me? It leads me to think I am not goood enough to just have a conversation with and hang out with but instead it’s all about “what do you want to drink?” And “Let’s get wasted”
Why is socializing so tied up in drinking? I know that 60% of the time that I have drank I have regretted it somehow or got myself in trouble with the law or a gf. Although if you’d just chill out and smoke some herbs you wouldn’t have to rant about something so illogical and instead we can laugh over pizza 🍕.
Smoke one and chill the eff out ✌🏼
LOL I have tried it, it just isn't for me. I don't watch soccer or Formula 1 either. Doesn't mean I dislike it, it just doesn't interest me.
I really do think I have to "chill the eff out" as you so eliquently put it. Some of these comments have really opened my eyes to the issue, and it's now up to me to act upon the advice that has been given to me.
It takes a few times to really enjoy it. It’s like coffee or wine, it’s an acquired taste 😉
I'm sure it is :-)
Just remember, not everyone feels well and comfortable in social gatherings and weed might help relax and be more empathic.
Or an even simpler reason: getting/being high with multiple people is really fun.
Message in a bottle. "LIve and let Live"
LOL that is a lot of weed!
Dutch hospitality ;-)
You dont have to be a selfish jerk to misunderstand that weed is an anti anxiety aid for many. Lots of people smoke before they go out cuz it helps them to feel at ease in public that's all.
Yea, I need to adjust my way of thinking towards this.