ANAL FISSURES AND THE NEVER ENDING JOURNEY TO HEAL MY BUTT

Have you ever filed for bankruptcy? Oh yeah shhhh, it's something we are not suppose to talk about. You say bankruptcy in a room full of people and they look at you like you just confessed to a crime. I would know because I hit forclosure and all the fun stuff that comes with that in 2009. 

Want to know another topic no one talks about: butt pain and the worst kind of butt pain....anal fissures. 

It is without a doubt the worst kind of pain anyone can have. I only wish anal fissures on the worst type of people...I see you Jamie Dimon..I anal fissure you. I would go through 67 foreclosures, lose all my crypto, hit bankruptcy 45 more times , to avoid the pain in my ass that I felt in 2011. 2011,  the year I was told by my butt doctor [aka gastroenterologist] that I had chronic anal fissure the 12 o'clock position...I know very fancy. Please don't ask what the 12 oclock position was. You see the test to figure out if you have anal fissures involves you sit up doggy style and a doc looking inside your butthole...the pain..oh god.

THE SEARCH FOR REMEDIES:

After the doc diagnosed me with the 12 oclock anal fissure, he told me the only way to fix the problem was surgery and that kind of surgery was the most painful type because of the location of my surgery. In addition, if it goes wrong I could be left pooping out of my pants  for the rest of my life. Yep I would lose the control to hold my poop, if the surgery went wrong.  Imagine being 23, at a club, dancing to 50 cent and just like that pooping in your pants. 

SO I DID WHAT ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO AND WENT TO FIND A CURE FOR MYSELF.

Let me save you the suspense: I found it, but what works on my butt may not work on yours. However, with little info online on the subject matter, I wanted to share the different type of anal fissure butt cures I tried with my Steemit community...because it might work for you.

So here they are:

1. Gerson diet: I don't do diet. I like to eat carbs, with a side of steak and let it all be covered with cheese. However, let me just say when you have anal fissure pain ....and you are living with pain 24/7...you will do anything to get rid of the pain. Thus, the Gerson diet is what I was told to do and I did it.

You see that image of veggies. That's it...that's all you can eat. Hold up, I think the broccoli is a no....no it's a yes. Yeah you can't eat anything with this diet, well anything fun. The upside: I lost 25 pounds, the downside my ass was still in pain.

2. Went to local Botanica store and an old Cuban lady told me to burn some plants and sit on it: so I was desperate. I live in South Florida and well we have Botanica's everywhere. If you are not sure what a Botanica is youtube it. So I go to one of my local Botanica stores and as I enter a 15 feet Jesus statue is on the side of the door and a 87 year old cuban lady is standing near it. She hears out my problem and immediately fills a bag with 10 plants and tells me to boil it in a pot, and on the first full moon of the month to sit on it. 

A few hours later, I go home and boil the plants. And fuck, the water I will never forget smelled like feet and was murky. I got the pot and put it in my bathroom. Next thing you know, I took off my underwear and had my butt inside the stockpot. It was the worst feeling ever. The upside: a good story to tell, the downside I am a bit traumatized and my butt was still in pain.