Sometimes it feels like commiting a SIN by saying that we have nothing to do. Why we are always BUSY?

When I ask friends how it goes, I often get a predictable answer. In the past, the answer was mostly: good. Now it is: busy. Apparently, the buzzword of this time is busy. It has become a shame to not fill our available time with all sorts of activities. But what if we want to change that? How should we tackle this? I have already witnessed the shattering of an illusion: there is no magic trick to never be too busy again. Not one tool to rule them all. Unfortunately, never being too busy requires long and hard work.

Ultimately, it comes down to training yourself to following simple, stupid rules. That turns out to be a lot harder than you think.

The principles behind overload (overburden, overworking, whatever you want to call it) are actually very simple. In the life of every person there is a balance between recovery and stress. You do things: some projects are going on, you sport, you see friends. And you recover from the energy it costs, by sleeping, reading books or looking out the window. You charge your battery and discharge it again.

If you are too busy, you get stuck in overdrive or you take too little time to recover. It isn’t more complicated than that. The why-question is more difficult. Why do I not take enough time to recover? Why I'm being overworked all the time?

We live in a society that demands a lot from us, with smartphones, deadlines, constant accessibility and endless possibilities to compare ourselves with others. To quote Bryan Robinson, who has written widely about the phenomenon:

Workaholism is an obsessive compulsive disorder that manifests itself through self imposed demands, an inability to regulate work habits and an overindulgence in work — to the exclusion of most of their life activities. Unlike most addictions, workaholism is often admired, encouraged and materially well rewarded. (source)

It is easy to blame external causes for your busyness and in part that will be correct. It is also interesting to ask: why is it sometimes so difficult to set limits?

For the answer there is an important role for what I will call ‘our little fellow’. That person is often quite young, forms a separate part of our personality and lives in your head.

If my employer asks me if I have time for an extra job - while I actually have too much work and have to say 'no' - it is this fellow who says: 'Come on!' And if I can finally rest at the weekend, it is this same person who shouts at me: 'This is the moment to go running, to ride my bike, to finally call my mother, to clean up and give dinner for friends. It must be done, and done now!

This fellow is not just rude for fun. He does that to protect us. Some of us are completely driven by shadow beliefs, or fear. The guy in our head ensures that our deepest fears do not become reality.

Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches us that we all have convictions about the world around us, for example: 'others can be trusted' or 'the world is an unsafe place'. We learned this because we experienced things in our lives, so-called learning experiences.

Most of these learning experiences have been nice and have provided positive views about ourselves, others and the world. But sometimes we all experience something unpleasant: exclusion at school, an angry or disappointed parent, friends who damage our trust or a broken relationship. Shadow beliefs arise at such moments; negative views about the world that we often hide deeply. For example: 'I'm not good enough' or 'I’ll end up alone'.

It is unthinkable to loudly proclaim your shadow beliefs as an adult person. "Hi, how nice to meet you, I'm afraid I'll be abandoned by everyone." You try to prevent all of these deepest fears from becoming a reality. To this end your head has created that little fellow. He ensures that your shadow beliefs do not become a reality.

If you want to cancel an appointment with a friend because you are very tired, then that fellow shouts that you have to go, and adds in silence; 'If you do not go, you will ultimately remain alone, I will protect you.' The same applies to presentations that have to be perfect, parties where you eventually end up anyway and deadlines that you work too hard for. The little guy galvanize you to the limit, otherwise you will not matter, end up alone or disappoint others.

This is an important reason why it is so difficult not to be too busy. We are constantly being galvanized by these basic fears. That is why rules are so important. After all, the little fellow has your best interests at heart, but he takes over when there seems to be danger. At those times, you need something to be able to control that guy. Strict rules - like those that have a positive effect on children - can then offer a solution. Rules that the fellow in your head agrees with, that you have agreed together, at a quiet time.

The rules work in two ways. By making strict agreements you can first say to that little man in your head: 'Yell all you want, boy - we agreed this and I will now stop working.' And secondly, once the little man realizes that the rules work, you have found a strong ally to introduce even more rules, so things can calm down a little and you maybe even have some energy left.

Take your phone. Very useful, but not always good for us. It forms a constant stream of distraction and that costs our brain a lot of energy. When we do a task - for example reading an important report - and we are being distracted, it can take up to 25 minutes before we are fully concentrated again. The idea that we could multitask between our phone and the report is a widespread misunderstanding. Our brains are not capable of that. The only thing we do during the so-called multitasking process is always switching from one task to another, with the result that we are constantly distracted and unable to concentrate. To make matters worse, that switching also takes a lot of energy.

However, the little fellow in our head is convinced that we can multitask. Doing a lot of things at once makes you feel that you are important. And if you also receive e-mails and messages throughout the day, the little guy is certainly completely satisfied; after all, he constantly receives confirmation that others need him. He loves all that attention, but in the meantime you break down slowly.

Source image 1, 2, 3