The Brokenhearted Writing Contest "ZAV"

This is my entry for @tpkidkai's Share Your "Wasak"/ Brokenhearted Writing Contest.

Me and my husband had this business before and it was a little restaurant. Because of us only had small capital and was not able to hire a cook, I decided to be the one doing the cooking. It was actually tiring because it was not only cooking that I was doing but washing dishes etc..The business went okay but it became slow when I found out that I was pregnant that time and it was not one of our plans.

When I reached 2 months being pregnant, it was difficult for me to do things already because I got this serious morning sickness and it was really making me tired and dizzy all the time. We decided to just end the business and give my self time to relax and take care of my pregnancy and just let my husband work like before. I stayed at home with my daughter doing chores and working online as well. Everything was okay but time to time I get so stressed, sensitive and thinking a lot of things maybe because of me being pregnant.

When I reached my 5 months being pregnant, I went to OB to have an ultrasound for the gender and found out that it was a boy!!!! But the OB said, my baby was breech but she said that I don't have to worry because there is still a chance that he will get to his proper position once he reach 6, 7 or 8 months before he comes out.

I was so excited and happy but i didn't tell my husband and my family yet. When they knew it was a boy, everyone was so happy and bought stuffs for him. I even explained to Zoe (my 3 years old daughter) that she have a brother and she was very excited and she kept on talking to him and kissing my tummy all the time.

Finding out he was a boy, i woke up every morning with smile on my face and so very happy. It was really a dream come true for me having a son and was so very excite to see and hug him!!!

Everyone was even telling me that I look pretty and young being pregnant.
I even loved doing make up and dressed up whenever we go out with my husband and daughter.

I even took a photo of me like this

My tummy was already 8 months and a half that time when i was so stressed and problematic about my baby boy that is still not in the right position yet or breech. So me my husband decided to go to Fabella Hospital Manila to have a check up and at the same time, to make a record to them as one of their patient and maybe they will do Cesarean section to me. The Ob did an IE (Internal Examination) to me, but i felt that she push he fingers to hard inside that made me bleed a little. I asked her if it is normal to bleed. She said that as long as i don't feel any pain in my tummy, little bleeding is normal. After my checked up, we visited Quiapo church and asked God for his guidance. We decided to go home after visiting and it was already 9 pm that time.

When we reached the house, we ate and then we went to sleep because of us being tired the whole day.
While sleeping, it was 3:30 am when i felt a little pain in my tummy and in my lower back. I suddenly stood up because I felt water came out from my private part and rush to the bathroom to check what was it. I even yelled at my husband telling him that I think I am already laboring and baby is ready to come out. I asked him to prepare everything so we can go to the hospital. It was so traffic and was having a problem to whom and where can we leave Zoe. We reached Hospital around 9 am but everyone was so busy and I needed to fall in line and sign up papers yet even though i was in a serious pain already. I even waited like an hour before it was my turn to have CS. I watched the doctors while they're doing the CS to me. When i saw Zav, I was so excited but they rushed him to NICU because he was having a hard time breathing and they said he already poisoned inside of me while rushing to the hospital. I was so scared of losing him.

When i was resting after CS, the doctor came to me and yelled at me asking where is my husband because they needed something for my son. I thought he will make it but he gave up after 5 days of him staying in the NICU. He left me, waiting for nothing, crying in the ward with a lot of moms with their babies and some moms who are waiting for their babies to come out from the NICU but not as serious situation as mine.

I was crying with pain in my heart and pain from my operation, I was kneeling in front of the NICU, asking for God's miracle, praying that Zav will survive while doctors trying to revive him. But he gave up, he didn't make it. He left me with so much pain, with my plans and dreams for him that never came true and just flew away...I held my child for the last time and asked for his forgiveness if I made any mistake.... I felt so bad that even crying was not even helping anymore. I even asked God, why, what...what did I do? Did I hurt anyone so freaking bad that i have to feel the pain.

Did I do something wrong that i have to experience this worst thing? I cried so hard until no more tears and energy left anymore. I felt my heart breaking into pieces and I know that forever the shape will never be the same again as it will be broken when he left me. It was Nov. 25, 2016 when i gave birth to him but left me on December 1, 2016. While writing this blog, i shed a lot of tears again. Tears that i know will never go away till the day I die. Zav will remain in our hearts. I love him so much and praying that one day we will see and be with each other again in a place where no more pain and sad tears to fall.

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Acknowledgment:@surpassinggoogle, @teardrops, @steemgigs, @ourmamaterry, @junebride for the gif, @g10a for the footer