Break up

I am not over you, that is perhaps the main reason I am silent.

Remember that day, during quarantine, early stages, you told me that you feel as if you feel stronger for me than I do for you? Well look at us now... you broke up with me, you moved on to another person (serious or not doesn't matter)... and me, here I am, it's been more than a month and my heart still thinks it belongs to you. I don't know how to un-love someone in such a short time... is it even possible? Like if you actually fall in love-love? I think I fell into real love. I understand that it is for the best, probably, that we separated, that it was possibly better for us to be friends, and that we could genuinely have a strong good friendship... but I fell in love.

You started falling out of love, and at the same time I started questioning myself what am I doing wrong, what can I change about me, what can be done, tried communicating my feelings, finding a solution or a compromise.... and I wonder at which point was the start of us going off the rails of mutual love?

As far as I know, it is only after the fact that I spoke to you about feeling left out that you began to feel annoyed by the situation.... but maybe it was before that... and I was just picking up on the energy change subconsciously.

I was about to reach out to you on your birthday, I had a birthday wish prepared, written on a pretty picture, with very thoughtful words directed specifically at you... and then very last minute I didn't send it.... because last minute I found out that you are seeing someone else, someone who is celebrating your ''life together ahead'' and who says ''i love you'' to you. I don't believe that you love her... but then to be honest if you fell out of love with me this quick, you may very well be in love with her.

It's just you and I we felt so special... you said that you never felt the type of connection you and I had with anyone, not even with your ex gf who you were together with for two years. You said that you never felt so much love before for anyone else besides from your niece... your answer to my 'i love you' was always 'i love you more'. Why did you say that?

Why did you say that you love me more one day before leaving me? It makes me question how much of what you said was meant by you, truly meant in your heart.

Did you leave me while still in love? Did that fade over the last month? I never asked you any questions post breakup. I just went no contact.

Today you are leaving somewhere... is it back to your country? Or are you moving somewhere? The thought that you may be leaving back to your country scares me a bit... maybe because a part of me was hoping to bump into you sometime, even though I tell myself that I hope I don't.

You decided to leave us. Whereas I was willing to fight for us. Because I love you.