What I see.

in body •  last year

Hello again Steemit! TGIT! I’m soooooo stoked! Stranger Things comes back tonight on Netflix! Ready for some spooky-ness!! Does anyone here watch Stranger Things?

Also excited for our make up soccer game tonight. A make up due to dodgy weather as of late. Last week was all rainy.. oi! We had a dry summer so we really need it.

This week we've only had one rainy day, and the rest of the time it’s been cloudy and foggy.

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Took this picture today, I love living among the giant trees.

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And then this rainbow peeked out during soccer practice. It was so gorgeous!

Ok, on to what I was going to blog about. By the way I want to thank everyone who's been keeping up with my weight loss blogs. In today's blog I want to be REAL! Real about weight loss, especially after a substantial amount. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing feeling.. but it's also a ridiculous burden. I'm talking about body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

I say ridiculous because I know when I look into a mirror, I see what I've accomplished. I accomplished my goal.. but I feel i'm still not good enough. As if I don't deserve to be happy.

We should probably rewind to the beginning. Since I was little. I was a bigger than average kid. Due to not looking like everyone else the kids treated me differently and that really caused me to shut down. I truly feared judgment. I did not know how to tell people to smudge off!! It was easier to just shut down and just keep the 2 friends I had rather than make any new friends. It wasn't til high school when I met my husband that I felt a true genuine love. I couldn't believe someone could love me like that. For who I was.

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And I know this! I KNOW this plays a factor in my attitude today in regards to my self image. BUT I still will tell myself while looking in the mirror, “You're fat.” “You're ugly.” “You’re not worth it.”

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And what's worse is I have two beautiful little girls. My six year old came up to me and told me she wishes she looked like me, my hair and skin specifically. It broke my heart. I told her to be happy with herself, she's beautiful! Last thing I need is for my girl to think she doesn't belong because she doesn't look like everyone else, like how I was.

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I tell myself I need to not be a hypocrite. I can't hate my image and then in the same breath tell my daughter to love hers.

When I lost the weight again after my second pregnancy I felt amazing and strong. But I soon came to realize if I gained just a couple pounds, I would beat myself up like you wouldn't believe. I would go into a depression. I would practically starve myself for a couple days until those pounds were lost. And then I would indulge again and it was just a ridiculous, vicious cycle. I know it's normal for one's body weight to fluctuate a few pounds. But I still did it.

Now, I'm a firm believer in signs, or serendipity if you will. Over the past couple weeks I've met up with some old friends and they've all told me that I look like I've lost weight. Well I haven't. And the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm more tone. My weight training is paying off!! The number on the scale means nothing! I've been doing all this training and exercise and the scale still reads the same! I'm getting stronger!

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Why do I think it's a sign? I believe it's a sign of good things to come, I should accept and love myself, to wake the f up! However you want to interpret it. Bottom line is I need to stop hurting myself. I'm damaging my soul.

Remember the rainbow mentioned in the beginning of this blog? There's a Dolly Parton quote I just love.

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“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” - Dolly Parton

This is just a drizzle.

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