New York City
After almost 2 months in NYC, the bubble broke, reality hit me and suddenly I realize something, everything I want, won't happen magically from day to night. The past 2 years my life has been feeling almost like I'm waiting every day for life to magically shift into something different, like me being married to a king living happily ever after, haha I'm kidding but I'm programed to think like this, I swear.
New York, it is a cool city, it is definitely a challenge, this city doesn't care, yet it's the most caring city. This city will make you face your fears and make you grow whether you like it or not, it won't ask for your permission, it will just make you do it, as my good friend Ana says "New York is like my ex-boyfriend".
Sadly for me, New York reminds me of someone, and it really does, I bet he will be happy here, but anyways back to me: lately I've been feeling the pressure, I've been feeling it all: the stress, the burnout, the tiredness. I really care for the things that I'm doing, the things that I'm learning.
I came to New York very sure about who I'm and what I do and what's my mission, I was so sure about it all and now I'm not sure anymore, I'm definitely learning more and more; about the world we live in, human interactions, human behaviour, myself. I'm an empath and I know too much, there is no turning back, I want to do things that matter, I want to share and help people and humanity, now I'm learning that laughing is very good for humanity, just like Charles Chaplin did before during WWII, some folks like to entertain people, make them laugh and make them happy just like the character I played yesterday in my Auditioning for the Camera Acting Class, Alex is a young artist whose life depends on his career, he is a performer who loves to entertain people and make them happy, I used to be like that, I used to be a happy person before "I decided to face reality". I know that I want a better world now but I also want to be happy, my happiness comes first, even when I'm sad, I want to fucking save the fucking world... when I'm in a good rollin state of being, ¡I want to make love! with my words, my thoughts, my actions, my art, my work, my presence, my companionship, I want to make love to the eyes, to the soul, I want to help people move in ways they never been before, I think that is my responsibility as professional and as an artist, but how can I share something I do not know, I remember times when I was happy, do not get me wrong, a lot of things make me happy, like good food, dancing all night with friends or lovers, painting, being with my family, Spain and so but something inside me it is definitely broken, I can feel the sadness all over my body, tears coming down my face, I'm feeling all and everything. I was so scared to feel and here I go, It's time to face it all, in order to learn, in order to grow, in order to continue. The truth is that all of my life I felt miserable, sad, empty, alone. The people that I've loved: my parents, my lovers and my friends at some point in their life judged me or my decisions, my behaviour, my words, my heart.
It hurts, because I'm always the one who forgives and forgets, I'm always the one who is thinking on others and ¿who thinks about me? that's why I don't hold grudges but now I'm basically alone, thank god for my all time friends, the ones that make me feel myself, the ones that dance and laugh with me, listen to me, care for me, share with me, make me feel seen and heard. That is love, not the obsessive compulsive "protection" some people give to the people they love. In a city like New York, where I'm no longer who I was yesterday and everything is changing and evolving into something new, one must face the hard moments like this in order to remain as peaceful as possible in a chaotic city like this, because it is possible to find peace in chaos and quite beautiful.
Anyways the past is the past and we must not hold grudges for it, the past is there to help us learn; to act better, to think better and to do better in the present moment. Even tho I'm crying and having meltdowns every week, something deep inside it's really grateful and happy about being here in New York, I was asking God for a change and this is being the change: new people, new city, new country, new profession, new everything all day, every day, no longer in my comfort zone (Spain or Mexico), here is just me, I know a lot of people but still no friends, I've been in dates but still no lovers, in New York City there's just me and I'm fine with that I love my own companionship, I can think a bunch of people that I wish would be here but I'm happy they are living their lives and being happy. I do not know where life will get met but I'm profoundly sure that it will be somewhere better, with myself, with the world. I will come back
to all the people I love,
Victor Manuel
dancing king.