The Winter of Your Discontent: Game Of Thrones Season 7: Eastwatch

zenmotherfucker (54)in #blog • 6 years ago

_{The rain in Spain falls mainly on the Spaniards}

Well, this looks optimistically idyllic, doesn't it? The reflective, shimmering but still waters of the lake, the trees meddling with the rocks as they climb down the shoreline, the clouds hanging low beneath the sky like a fluffed wraith, the smoke rising from the battlefield across.... wait, what?

A splash of water rapes the stillness and out of this disproportional jitter of disarray there emerges, like a new and improved Aphrodite, Grunt (at your service-not) and with him, in conjunction with a hefty pull, Farmer Jamie. Grunt throws Jamie over the shoreline and together they hug the sands of time, panting like the half-spent fish that they are. Once they come about their senses Grunt advices Farmer Jamie that he only saved him from the fiery mothball coming out of the dragon's mouth so that he makes sure his payment is due. Farmer Jamie looks at him in disbelief. Nobody wants to be around fire breathing dragons, his army just took a royal plunge, and think of what will happen if Goldilocks attempts to “Dracarys” with more than one mouth (she owns an additional two). Chaos!

_{A match made in heaven}

Cercei must know!

Just across the pond, Peter Dinklage is walking through bone and ashes, in the aftermath of the battle (onslaught, really) against Lannister forces, feeling a tad watery eyed. We now understand, it all makes sense, Peter is the Half-Handy Man to Goldi but in essence, in true form, he is a Lannister and those are his people sieved through that dragon's sneeze. He must be feeling a tad dead inside but not as dead as those already serving as manure for whatever grows, if anything can grow any more, on those muddied, bloodied shores. Goldi's soldiers round up what's left of the Lannister party and drive them towards a mount, atop which sits the dragon. Goldi comes out of the clearing and talks to the assembly, speaking words of reason and wisdom which end with the prophetic aphorism we all so well know “bend the knee”, although now there is a trailing catch to this - “or die!”

_{O come all ye faithful}

About a quarter of the enemy soldiers do bend the knee. It's those who don't care who fucks them as long as they get fucked. The rest, stand their ground and amongst them Randall and Dickon Tarly.

Goldi instructs Randall to move forward and then again asks him, from her vantage point, to bend the knee or else. Randall refuses, leaving Goldilocks no other choice but to fry him alive. Peter Dinklage attempts to intervene - “Death, my lady that might be too harsh, why not just send them to prison forever?” Goldi is unsparing. She doesn't care about manacles and chains, only fire reigns in her heart! Dickon Tarly seeing that his father is on the line jumps forward to join him. To be fair and honest, Peter Dinklage and Goldi do give little Dickon the opportunity to change his mind – he doesn't and soon after Goldi softly whispers “Dracarys”, they are both stir fried in one long dragon breath. Every soldier that hasn't yet bent the knee immediately does, proving to us once and forever that fear is the ultimate motivator and that kings and queens rarely rule without that one rule.

Sweet mother of dragons sends you a little kiss.png

_{"Say herro to my little friend!}

Farmer Jamie (having somehow dragged his ass back home) is walking, back to the camera, all the way to Cercei's room. He seems defiant and alert, ready to take on any challenge. The door opens and in he barges, coming head to back with a sitting Cercei. As soon as the door closes and Cercei opens her mouth he turns into a man whose options are limited. Cercei is furious but contained. She doesn't care about the men that died, the Iron Bank and Olenna Tyrell's gold will buy her a new army! Jamie scoffs – their enemies are true beasts, there is no way they can win a war with a mercenary army in tow against those savages! Cercei won't give a rat's ass about his sentiment. She is prepared to die, because and of course, only death is the only way out of this clusterfuck. The only other option is for her to bend the knee and her knee is as stiff as a week-dead Lannister soldier.

_{"And i would do anything for love ..... but i won't do that!"}

Jon “I'm still a yokel” Snow is standing on the edge of a cliff – again, looking aghast as always over the sea and into Uranus. Goldilocks and her 747 come flying in from the horizon circle above little Jon and land at a short distance from his bewildered ass. Jon is taken aback at first, having never been so close to a real dragon, but soon his warrior's heart surpasses him and in a move which moves Goldi in a peculiar way, takes off his glove and masterfully strokes the dragon's snout, which like an obedient puppy sits down and takes it. Goldi is impressed, we can see, but she is more impressed when her men walk into the scene carrying Grayscale man in tow, whose real name is Sir Jorah Mormont. Grayscale bends the knee in front of Goldi (he seems like a master in knee-bending) and proposes Goldi to take him under her (dragon) wing, an offer she gladly accepts.

_{"Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie or are you going to bite?"}

Ravens. Ravens sitting on a tree cawing, their eyes shifting into ethereal white at each blink. Suddenly they are all off up into the cumulus driven sky of Winterfell. From deep within a flying raven's milk-white eye we are transported deep within Bran the Clairvoyant's milk-white eye. The unkindness of ravens flies low over the icy plains of the North until they reach that Pentecostal Wall, then jumps over it. We now understand that Bran is looking through the eyes of the ravens from a distance, sitting comfortably in his wheelchair, a fact which makes the ravens a sort of AWACS of its time. Soon enough they reach the forward marching Army of the Dead and as they flyover, their stumbling ranks they are intercepted by a blue-eyed Dead Chief on a dead horse which disperses them with a single blink of the eye. Bran's eye turns from milky white to contemporary chocolate and he murmurs as he snaps out of his trance “Ravens, we need to send ravens!”

_{Pigeons, ravens what's the fuckin' difference?}

The Meisters are sitting on a long rectangular table, head of which is our dear beloved wise-cracking Arch-Meister. They are discussing something, about something, something dark side when the unsung hero of Samwell Tarly walk in carrying a hefty load of books and scrolls. As he sets his load on a table he overhears the Meisters talking about Bran, The Raven Boy and the whole affair with the wall. Immediately he becomes emotional and intercepts the company of Meisters with a plea – to believe that the story is real, to believe that the threat is real, to send all the armies to hold the Wall and to search every scroll and book in order to find a solution. The Meisters scoff at him but the Arch-Meister is deferential towards him – his zany story can very much be true! Samwell breathes a sigh of relief but before he has a chance to inhale, the Arch-Meister blows him off again by stating that all this could be Dragon Queen's plot to lure all the armies away from their respective regions so that she can march in and take it all. Much to Samwell's dismay, the other Meisters agree and Arch-Daddy sends him off. From this, we learn that indeed Samwell is the son of Randall Tarly and brother of Dickon, both of which are currently signing “Ashes to Ashes” alongside David Bowie.

_{Pizza roll party}

Peter Dinklage and Rotundal – sitting on a tree, lollygagging. Nah, we made that up, they're not up on a tree, they are down in a dimly lit throne room, sharing a glass of wine, talking about their respective past and present masters and how they don't want to be responsible for their shitbaggery. Rotundal has a scroll that came in for Jon Snow, the scroll says that Arya and Bran are alive but the dead are marching towards Eastwatch. In the flick of a raven's eye, we are in the map-room where a now jittery Snow wants to rush back to Winterfell, alone if even. Goldilocks won't be helping him at present because of the open war with Cercei, so another plan has to be devised in order to save the day. A proposal is motioned to capture a dead soldier and then demonstrate him in front of Cercei so she can be convinced that “the threat is real”. Grayscale offers himself to go on this suicide mission but its brave old Jon Snow that takes the lead. Goldi reminds him that she hasn't given him permission to leave yet to which he replies with a ballsy “I don't care (your highness)” a retort which visibly turns Goldi a little wet on the very inside.

_{This Jenga session has left me wary and tired}

Red Sub-Queen Sansa is facing a slight shitstorm back in Winterfell. Jon has been gone too long and the Lords are getting rowdy. She manages to fend them off, but she can't do the same with Murder Frenzy which corners her into their parent's former chambers and wryly accuses her of wanting something more out of the current situation. Sansa is calm enough not to take the bait and we are smart enough to know Murder Frenzy isn't just pulling legs, but we both hold off judgement for later.

_{What a pest!}

Peter Dinklage and Sir Davos land on …. King's landing. Having gotten there by boat, now they must find a quick and painless way into the mouth of madness that is Cercei's stronghold. Fun times ahead!

And right we are. We are again in the dungeons where Cercei and Shit-Eater were testing their ballista against the corpse of Balerion the (now) Dead. Grunt is holding a torch, leading an armour-less and sword-less Farmer Jamie deep within the dungeons. In a surprise twist, Peter Dinklage is also there and before Jamie has a further word to say disappears in order to permit the two brothers a free-for-all quarrel. Farmer Jamie is barely restraining his anger and Peter Dinklage is barely restraining his tears but both of their sentimental bitching is no use when greater things are afoot! After Goldi's draconian demonstration it’s easy for anyone to discern (let alone an expert military-man like Jamie) that shit-kicking is about to get real on the Lannisters. Peter Dinklage has a proposition that might alleviate this. Farmer Jamie, although reluctant at first, lends an interested ear.

_{"I'll cut you in half .... no wait .... in a quarter!"}

Meanwhile, Sir Davos the Connery Sound-Alike is hustling around the local market. He enters “Steel Street” and into a blacksmith's where he meets the proprietor. They exchange a few pleasantries one of which culminates into this immortal line spoken by Sir Davos:

“Nothing focks you up harder than time!”

Davos is here to take the proprietor with him, we will call him Blunt after his weapon, and Blunt accepts in no time, having been ready for this since the death of his family in the hands of Cercei and Co. Upon returning to their beached boat they are intercepted by two patrolling foot soldiers. Davos manages to bribe them away with long tails and a fair bit of gold but they soon cross with a returning Peter Dinklage and start to go after him before Blunt murders the hell out of them with his blunt instrument.

_{"Nothing FOCKS you up harder than my blunt instrument!"}

Farmer Jamie returns to Queen Bitch's quarters only to find her in the company of her hand, Shit-Eater. He exits, Farmer stands before his queen and announces his meeting with Peter Dinklage. Of course, Cercei is aware of this, you damn fool, how could you think anything escapes unnoticed from her? Farmer Jamie relays Goldi's message about an armistice, Cercei laughs at god's plans and announces (with tears in her eyes) to an excited Jamie that she is pregnant and that he is the father. Together they fall into a warm embrace, safely tucked into their own small world until Cercei breaks the spell by whispering to him “Never betray me again”.

_{"My dear fragile child ...."}

Happy grunts are mining Dragonglass out of Dragonstone beneath Dragonmountain on Dragonisland. Sir Davos the Wise and Blunt head into the mine to meet Jon “The Touch” Snow. Davos instructs Blunt not to reveal himself to Snow, but immediately he does, revealing that he is the bastard son of one Robert Baratheon and offers himself to join the expedition beyond that wall. Never passing the opportunity to waste some extras, Jon concedes much to the dismay of Davos which definitely hates casting sessions with the whole of his heart.

_{"Just keep your big trap shut!"}

It's time for the brave foot soldiers on a suicide mission to go. Peter Dinklage and Grayscale shake hands like the good old friends they are, next to the boat on the beach, set for their departure. Goldilocks herself comes down from her castle to see them go, she affectionately says goodbye to Grayscale. Jon Snow is also there and in his usual lean-as-an-icepick way offers his goodbyes as well to which Goldi coyly responds leading is to believe that something fishy might be going on between the two. The men heave their boat into the ocean and sail away as ….

_{Sparkle, sparkle}

… Samwise Gamgee sits, accompanied by his lady and infant son, copying, transliterating an infinite amount of scrolls while she slowly recites her findings dug out of an old dusty tome. Apparently, at the end of his wits, he gets into a fit about the Meisters not giving a flying fuck about “the secret to defeating the Night King”, abruptly gets up and leaves his bemused bitch behind.

He's had enough of their shit! Donning his satchel, Indiana Sam once again trespasses into the forbidden section of the Citadel's library, removes a hefty sum of dusty tomes from the shelves, takes one last good look at his former life and dreams, loads up his possessions, his bitch and his child on a cart and transports himself away from the Citadel leaving behind his aspirations towards Arch-Meistering.

_{"Damn them and their pizza roll parties!"}

Two hunched figures are standing beneath an arch away from the light. One figure places something in the other's hand, the other departs and we see that it's a peasant girl and the other figure transforms into Littlefinger, or Lord Baelish. Murder Frenzy, hidden behind a wall observes the whole scene, as well as another one, where Littlefinger is having a little candid conversation with some of the other Lords. Later on, Murder Frenzy follows him to his room, where an assistant brings him a small scroll. Littlefinger places the scroll in the room, locks and walks away. Murder Frenzy like the smooth walking cat she is picks the door lock, enters the room, discovers the scroll and then vacates but she doesn't know that MouseMouth is secretly observing her moves having obviously set this little trap himself.

_Peek-a-boo!

Jon “To the Edge of the World” Snow and Co, that is Davos, Greyscale and Blunt finally arrive at the dreaded Wall. We see them sitting around a table headed by a funny large ginger fellow with a crazy left eye. They all agree that they should be going beyond the wall and with that Ginger informs them that some other men, which are currently being held down the hold, also desire to do the same. This merry band of brothers heads down to the cell where three men are held captive. It just goes to show that the real world is a small place and a TV-show is an even smaller place (with limited casting capabilities) because we see the caged troupe to consist of Clegane (otherwise known as the Hound) the pious Deist who was with him and another drunkard friend of theirs.

_{"You ain't nothin' but a hound-dog!"}

The two groups of men immediately recognise each other, and immediately remember that they are each other's very own mortal enemies but Jon “I'll save the day” Snow is quick to get them all together by pointing out, again, of the common enemy and of the one decisive characteristic that unites them all against this common threat, the fact that they are all “breathing” (Our Spartan friend here is simply saying, hey, we are all breathing, thus we are alive, and the enemy is not, thus they are dead and this major difference is what homogenises us into a group so let’s get out there and chop some already chopped heads!) He unlocks the cage and frees the men, and soon, all of them walk out through the gate in the wall and into the abysmal snowy plain beyond where the Night King and his army of the Dead are a-waiting.