How to raise children optimists?

We want our children to grow up cheerful, not suffering from our doubts, anxieties or bad mood. How to orient them in the right direction? Stories of parents and expert advice.

Can you bring up a positive view of the world? Or is optimism an innate quality? It is impossible to draw an unequivocal conclusion about the priority influence of heredity or the environment in which a child grows, on the formation of a positive world view. One can only put forward several hypotheses based on scientific research on the state of depression and the special state of mind associated with it - pessimism.

Sad mood, loss of interest in your favorite games and hobbies, low self-esteem and a sense of self-doubt - a pessimistic, gloomy vision of the future is more common in children and adolescents whose parents suffer from depression. As adults, they are more likely to experience a depressive state more often than their peers.

“A person’s tendency towards an optimistic or pessimistic view of the world and the future is formed in childhood through two mechanisms of learning - imitation and imprinting, that is, fixation of significant objects, objects, forms of behavior,” says child psychologist. - Small children, like a sponge, absorb everything that happens around. They adopt our movements, actions, emotions, and even attitudes towards the world. ”

“The general vital attitude is laid in the very early childhood, but parents really need to try to make the child a pessimist,” says psychologist Katerina Polivanova. “Look closely at the youngest children: each of them is naturally an optimist.”

By our behavior, choice in different life situations, we offer children samples of attitudes towards the world.

Of course, besides the installations that we consciously strive to convey to children, there are many things that are passed on without our knowledge. Deeds are often more meaningful than words: with our behavior and choice in different life situations, we offer children samples of the attitude toward the world.

“We bring up not only with words,”  It should be remembered that even the smallest children always catch what we actually feel. The child takes the first steps, he tries to touch everything, to reach everything, to grab everything.

If the mother at this moment is tense, constantly waiting for something bad to happen, the child has the feeling that the world is dangerous. If she is calm, smiling, he feels protected, and the world seems to him friendly and interesting, although not always clear. ”

What is more important in raising optimism - “Do as I advise you” or “Do as I do”? Each of us has our own answer to this question and our own tricks. Here is a small selection of parental tricks with comments from our experts.

If the child is scared

Anna, 38 years old, mother of 11-year-old Joseph

If something happens to the son that upsets, bothers or scares him, I invite him to tell not only about what happened, but also about what he feels. When I see that he is greatly disturbed by something, I tell him that there are really terrible things in the world, but there are no less beautiful things in the world. And that all bad is needed only so that we can truly appreciate the good. 

Finding time to listen to your children, talk about their feelings and emotions, is to help them cope with their fears, anxieties and doubts.

It is very important to take the child directly and sincerely, try to understand him and speak honestly with him, 

Only in this case, children feel parental support. Parents always need to be ready to discuss what is bothering or grieving the child, but you cannot impose yourself, insist on frank conversation - a sense of measure and tact are needed.

It is important not the number of "heart-to-heart" conversations, not their regularity, but something completely different: the child must know, be sure that the parents will listen to him and support him if he needs it. "

Find a positive phrase that can be repeated: "You can always find a way out" or "Every problem has a solution." This is also a part of raising optimism: the child will be able to “absorb” this phrase, make it his own and remember it in difficult situations. Arguments about the many wonderful things that surround us in this world have far less impact on the child’s unconscious than his own experience: going with the whole family to the forest, watching the clouds ...

To encourage a child to help others, for example, schoolmates, is another way to let him experience positive emotions and feel needed.

If the child is sad

Den, 42, father of 8-year-old Polina and 10-year-old Pavel

From the age of five, my son almost every weekend in the evening had bouts of crying. We have established a ritual that we still observe: when a family gathers at a table, everyone should tell something funny - some kind of anecdote, a story, a funny or ridiculous incident, remembered in recent days. Sunday dinner stopped being a source of stress for the whole family! 

To offer a ritual to your child is to give him a positive guide. Knowing what will happen in the near future, waiting for him, the child can switch from the present moment in which he experiences fear or anxiety.

“In a more general sense, the concept of“ designing your future ”is associated with optimism; when there is a goal for which you can grasp, a positive outlook on life prevails, says Tatyana Bednik. “Therefore, it is so useful to discuss with children their dreams, their plans for the distant future and for a closer time.” But at the same time, you shouldn’t put too much pressure on them - it’s not about making a list of personal achievements for the next few years.

Humor helps to neutralize fears. He gives detente, allows you to look at the situation from the outside ... but can not replace a conversation with a child about what disturbs him. “His experiences will not disappear, they will simply begin to be expressed differently,” continues Tatyana Bednik. “One can understand their causes only by communicating with the child, listening and supporting him.” In order to grow up as an optimist, the child must first of all be confident in himself and his ability to cope with difficulties.

If parents are not in the mood

Mariana, 38 years old, mother of 9-year-old Lara and Lily

If in the evening I'm not in the spirit, I ask my husband to deal with his daughters. I tell myself that this is the only way not to transfer my “bad” energy to them ... ”

Sincerity in feelings is much better than a forced smile.

Children catch our bad mood instantly. “When we are sad, it’s nice to give the child the opportunity to talk with someone who is different, but first you have to explain:“ I’m feeling a little sad now, it happens, but it will pass, I will try to get everything right, ”advises Katerina Polivanova. - Worrying about their parents, children often blame themselves for the bad mood of adults.

Sincere words about the feelings we experience will help them to stop worrying excessively, to feel confident: since parents may have dark thoughts, then it’s normal that they themselves appear from time to time ... ”

But the child doesn’t need details: to make him his confidant, to tell him in detail about his problems is to take the risk of generating anxiety, fear and tendency to depression. Even experiencing discouragement, parents are able to convey to children optimism - not so much in relation to their own, as their future. “I know that you can be happy and succeed in life” - such encouraging words combined with expressions of support, love and readiness to listen in everyday life give the child confidence in himself and his future.

IF A CHILD IS ALARMED

Valery, 39, father of 12-year-old Valeria

When I see my daughter worried about the future, I invite her to look at the situation in comparison. I remind her that other children, it happens, have much less luck than she does, that situations are different and that the ability to correct these situations depends only on her. I say that the future can be wonderful if you work on it. 

To teach a child not to dramatize a situation is simply necessary. The difficulty is to find the right words.

“Knowing that others may be less fortunate will not help a child feel better,” says Tatyana Bednik. - He must learn to compare himself not with others, but with himself. “Today you didn’t manage something, but remember last week, when everything worked out well for you, you coped with a difficulty that seemed insurmountable to you ...”

The goal is not to show the child that the situation is different for different people; it’s necessary that he see how the situation changes in time and in his own life. ” The child, like each of us, needs to draw on its past successes and its experience in solving problems. The case of parents is to regularly remind that he has such experience.

Trying to protect children from feelings and sad thoughts, many parents try to save them from any clashes with reality: immediately comfort, satisfy all their desires or do something for them. These adults do children a disservice.

Optimism is the life force by which failures help to develop to the same extent as success. Therefore, it is not necessary to deprive the child of the experience of frustration, when he, without reaching the goal, experiences strong emotions. He must feel that the effort is of particular value - provided that the parents are able to listen to his problems and anxieties and support him.

Positive intelligence

Intellect and the associated learning success can help a child become an optimist. This was shown by a study of the Canadian cognitive psychologist Royven Feierstein, who developed a learning system for children who find it difficult to complete a school process.

For two years, schoolchildren were helped to develop various intellectual skills: analysis of the situation, search for mistakes, planning of intellectual actions, control over them, effective memorization. Psychologists were faced with the task of raising the level of children's intelligence, but an additional effect arose: students had a sense of their own competence.

These children were pessimistic both in relation to the learning situation and in relation to themselves,” cognitive psychologist Marina Kholodnaya comments. “As they developed their intellectual skills, they became life optimists, primarily because they began to believe in themselves.