How My Depression Feeds Off The Current State Of The World

Not only does depression make it hard to do helpful things, but it makes it so easy to do harmful things as well. I am fully aware of the privileges I have that make me able to do this, but I avoid any news or politics as much as I can. The world is so fucked and I actually feel like I'm unable to handle it all, even if much of it doesn't directly affect me (even though a lot of it does or will impact me in the future). I spend a lot of time on social media, and now it's typically unavoidable most of the time.

I hate Facebook. I really don't find it appealing and don't gain anything from being on it. But instead of doing the things I said I'd do today (and the stuff I didn't do yesterday), so far I've been awake for an hour and a half and haven't gotten out of bed. I just scroll through Facebook to waste the time so I don't have time to do everything and therefore no longer have to do it.

The reason Facebook is the biggest issue for me right now is because of the destruction in Puerto Rico caused by hurricane Maria. There were a lot of Puerto Ricans at my summer job, many of whom I added on Facebook once I left. Typically, I avoid news etc. because it makes me so angry that there's a literal chance that the US could go to nuclear war over a fucking tweet. But now, at least with the situation in Puerto Rico, I just am sad.

I was so relieved when I saw Facebook had a "marked safe" feature for when hurricane Irma hit, and I was able to know that a couple people were safe. It was sad to know that many people had gone back home to the aftermath of a hurricane, if not the hurricane itself. But then Maria hit once nearly everybody had gone back home. It was so hard to see posts with pictures of carnage done to houses and roads, posts saying what places had gas or even water, but the worst was seeing people begging to know if anyone had heard from a couple specific people. Without power or cell service in the majority of the island, it has to be terrifying to not know if loved ones are safe, or even alive. I wasn't at all impacted physically by hurricane Maria, and I'm thousands of miles away, but it hurts so much to see people I cared about over the summer dealing with so much hardship.

I have a friend who, even though he spoke very little English, always tried really hard to be super helpful and put effort into communication (which the majority of people who didn't speak English there did not do nearly as much. They would learn a few words here and there to order snacks and ask simple questions, but this friend would have full conversations through Google Translate if he had to). He was on the job site a month before most other people were, and it was probably really hard for him to leave before his contract-scheduled leave date (if you left before your contract, you forfeit a $1.25/hour bonus, typically another $1000 at least). But he left early because he left home when his brand new baby daughter was only two weeks old. He had been gone for six times as long as she had even been in the world. My point to this is that he was back in Puerto Rico even before Irma, and is now suffering from the destruction caused by Maria. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for him to be in that situation, let alone with his wife and child. It absolutely breaks my heart every time I think about it.

Maybe it's depression, maybe it's some sort of mourning, but I just can't seem to muster up any energy about this situation. I want to be angry. I want to be absolutely livid that the government and the entire fucking country is more focused on why athletes are allowed to exercise their right to free speech (spoiler: it's because it's the right to free speech) rather than the three million US Citizens that don't have 90% of the basic necessities people need to survive. Writing about it now is getting me heated, but it's just a feeling in my head and shoulders. The rest of me is heavy. Even writing that small sentence drained the fire out of me. Now I am only sad. Sad because of what my friends are going through, sad because such a terrible human being is president, sad that people have to fight to get any sort of press coverage for the things that actually matter and are harming so many people every fucking day.

I avoid politics and conversation at all costs. It's only ever a cycle of anger at people's sheer idiocy and refusal to look at the struggles that others face, and sadness that this is the world we live in. Over and over and over. Hell, I'm fairly sure there have been studies that found that too much negative news has negative effects on mental health. So maybe I'm being preemptive, maybe I'm fooling myself. Either way, I'm not at all looking for political discussion in response to this, at least not any that I'll be part of.

Back to my original point: depression works against you and it does it efficiently. I don't want to spend an hour on Facebook every morning, but it's easier than the things I have to get done. Then I get sad, or mad, and get in a sour mood and don't want to get out of bed. Then to pass the time, I end up back on Facebook or Twitter, reading about all the shit that everything has turned into. It's a horrible cycle and I'm always at its mercy.