(Lemme see if I can post this without getting needled by stitchguild and crew.)

As many of you know, I had some communication troubles with the big crochet and knitting guilds back when I first started here.

It all began when I made a joke post, a little parody, where I acted like I was interested in crochet and needlework.

Playing the part of a craft snob, I praised needlework, and elevated the craft beyond just the stitching of threads and yarns, rather likening the hobby to the pastime of the gods. I described these mighty gods as making golden doilies for each other's tabletops along their woven halls, and knitting godly colorful shawls and scarves to block the frigid winds up there in their lofty homes.

Further, I declared war on other crafts like pottery and basket weaving, and demanded that thread or yarn-less pieces of art in the world be smashed and burned immediately. It was pretty funny.

Not Funny

It turns out, there was a large thread-and-yarn community here, complete with whales and guilds and massive voting power. I had no idea.

Few understand my humor, but when the mighty stitchguild upvoted my needlecraft parody post, followed by a whole school of knitting minnows, I was thinking that my comedy had finally been funny, and that some big whale had spewed their milk from their blowhole laughing at my post.

One giant vote from stitchguild, and this stitching business had turned into a goldmine, I thought, so I began searching the internet for photos of colorful yarns and spools of thread. I would become that craft snob character, and people would love it.

Snagging a Whale

After about 17 more posts in a row about knitting and stitching, stitchguild finally returned with another big upvote, and soon the dozens of members of various knitting guilds were auto-voting my every post. The rewards started rolling in, and I suddenly had a problem.

I knew I was in trouble when I had to explain to everyone that I was just a joker, and that my stuff was craft-related humor, now specializing in threads and yarns, and that I didn’t know how to cross-stitch or crochet or any of that nonsense.

They weren’t reading my posts

Those months were stressful. I didn’t dare try to write about anything outside of knitting and crochet stuff, and I had long since run out of jokes in that department. I was learning a lot about knitting yarns in the comments section of my posts, but was surprised at how dull it really was to discuss the topic seriously.

They weren’t laughing at my posts.

I wondered if they were even reading my posts, or if the spiffy colored yarn images that I used as bait were drawing them in like flies, gnatting and buzzing my posts with their knitting lingo.

It was time to end it. I was in a creative prison, with stitchguild as the cruel warden, daring me to venture beyond the confines of stitchery, laughing at me as I dreamed of getting away from the crochet needles someday, foolishly imagining myself maybe posting some of my own photos or writing some short fiction bits about other things.

Freedom to post what pleased me, instead of posting to please my benefactors, was what I wanted, but would I dare? I wouldn’t dare, but I finally snapped.

The Post That Did Me In

I had started drinking, and one night while particularly blitzed, I thought it would be hilarious to make a series of stitching tutorial posts.

I have never stitched or knitted anything in my life, of course-- I’m a complete fraud-- but I was sick to death of anything that was related to stupid knitting, and it was time to shake this troublesome whale once and for all.

So on the way to the liquor store that morning, I stopped into a craft shop and bought a kit with some colored thread and a little plastic grid, and decided to do a tutorial on how to stitch the Mona Lisa.

With a series of photos, I made a complete mess of the project, so bad that it wasn’t even funny to me.

It was perfect, really.

(image hidden due to low ratings)

I had hoped for an ugly Mona Lisa, but ended up with blurry pictures of knots, lumps of thread, and abstract bunches of nothing. Just horrible, and so I posted it that very day.

The Universe Heard My Call for Help

Call it luck, coincidence, fate, or whatever, but as it turned out, stitchguild had also just made a post, also proudly displaying the details of a freshly-stitched Mona Lisa, which actually looked exactly like the painting. The stitchguild Mona Lisa was exquisitely stitched, and was masterfully posted.

Stitchguild's masterpiece on display

How was I to know? I wasn’t even following stitchguild before that, and had never read one of their posts. Ever. Anyway, so of course somebody tagged stitchguild in the comments, whereupon my ‘Mona Lisa’ post was seen but not appreciated, and after a few short comments from the big names in needlework, things got really quiet.

No more big craft guild upvotes, no more autovotes from the Church of Cross-stitch and it’s worshippers. No more rewards for my craft-related humor, specializing in threads and yarns.

Nobody makes fun of stitchguild like that.

Now, Where Was I?

I couldn’t think of anything to write for a while after that post. Since that big fiasco, I went back to the craft shop where I got the Mona Lisa kit to return some threads, and found a bad-ass pattern for Moby Dick, with crashing waves and a smashed boat with whalers flying through the air. It took me five months of work to complete the massive piece, but I finally finished it.

It turns out that this counted cross-stitch is addictive and invigorating, and I can see why there are whole schools of knowledge concerning threads and yarns. The colors and textures, and the sense of accomplishment, there’s no other craft like it.

Sorry, No Pictures

I dare not post the image here, old you know who will probably think I’m making fun of them again, but mainly the stunning Moby Dick image itself is just too good to be viewed by ordinary mortals, and is much too divine to be captured with cameras. It is an image that is suited for the eyes of the gods themselves, and surely proves that cross-stitching surpasses any other craft imaginable.

The work that is done in Threads and Yarns is so superior to other crafts, that it is rather disrespectful to display any so-called art that has no Threads or Yarns in it, I would venture to say.

Blasphemous, it is-- to have the audacity to share painted art or pencil drawings which are not drawings of Yarns and Threads. I learned the hard way, but have repented, and am now tethered faithfully to that great spool of wisdom and rayon that guides us all, the Great Thread of Life.

Learn From My Mistakes

First, don't make fun of stitchguild. Don't be like me, childishly floating on a bladder of cheap humor in the stream of posts, laughing at Yarns and Threads because I didn't understand them. See what a fool I was, and how I changed my ways.

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the above is fiction, and hopefully there is no real stitchguild, or yarn guilds to insult, but any similarity to any actual person or events is coincidental, and no harm is meant to any craft or art in this parody. The pictures above are thanks to Pixabay free images

click @therealpaul for more