Admiration and Deflection
Several times lately I've expressed gratitude and admiration and inspiration to lovely friends, and while they usually will say "thank you" they are also very quick to defend their smallness and deflect the credit.
For instance, I thanked and acknowledged my friend for some things she said, which had inspired me. Her response - "well, those weren't really my original words, but were just stolen from another." In other words she is implying she doesn't deserve the credit I want to give her. Then there is another friend with whom I shared my admiration for how she seems to me to have her life all in order. She responds, "well...My world isn't really as good as it seems. Things are actually quite a shit storm behind what you're seeing."
Why do we do this? We do we work and strive to do our best and yet squirm and deflect in avoidance and discomfort when someone says the way we be inspires them?!
I do it too...someone might compliment my physique, and while I love getting such feedback and I do say "thank you," I blushingly brush it off as just lucky genetics. Or, that I do work out a lot, but it's just to keep my crazies away. I usually omit that it's also because I delight in the results I get from dedicating to rigorous practices of yoga asana, weight lifting, running, meditation, journaling and self reflection and diet and personal grooming routines.
Why are we so keen on and quick to deflect credit and take blame? What in the hell is that specific discomfort that we are resisting?
I think for me it is vulnerability. What if I admitted my truth? ... that I delight in my daily routines of physical care, and then they mocked or laughed? "You delight in dedicating...? 😂 just how vain are you?" Or for my friend who's words inspired me...what if she just acknowledged my compliment and then later I found out the original source of her words were someone else's? I suppose her ego might fear then that I would think less of her for falsely claiming to be the inspiration source? I wouldn't...HER sharing the words was MY "ah ha" moment, so I don't really care who was the true "original" source. The original source for my experience was her! Or my other friend who seems to have it all together...I suppose her ego just fears that she isn't so perfect and so she needs to share that upfront in her deflection of my compliment lest her truth be painfully revealed later?
I get it. We just don't want to falsely claim praise. But all this self protective deflection makes my words feel less received. I feel less heard when friends deflect like this. I feel a little vulnerable in honestly revealing how their words or way of living have impacted me, but then their resistance shuts everything down. Like a big giant shut down of the vulnerability party of everyone involved! Maybe my own vulnerability even makes them uncomfortable?
I don't have all the answers...but I like thinking all of these things through.
My flat mate's friend came over to see her and they were in the kitchen, when I walked in to get something to drink she looked at me and said "you are so beautiful" all I did was mumble a thank you like an idiot and dash out of kitchen like Flash. I guess it's because we think we are not good enough and the constant pressure for perfection yet we want to be appreciated, it's ironic.
Yes, that 👆🏼 Exactly! We want to be appreciated but then blush and brush it off when we are. It's a conundrum.
I do this all the time, because I dont want to over-sell my ability and then disappoint someone. That someone is probably really myself, which is weird because like most people when faced with a challenge I can rise to it.
Im attempting to lower my standards, they seem to be set much higher for myself than I expect of other people :)
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. And also I agree that we are much harder on ourselves than others. Another issue…
Thanks gave you a follow BTW
Thanks. Following you too :)
You may actually like my friend @demilee-fitness blog better than mine, but thanks for the follow :)
I follow her as well. She is ceeative with her fitness routines. Thanks.
Yes ☝🏼 I know exactly what you mean. We don't want to oversell and under deliver, but the problem i am finding lately is that when we chronically undersell ourselves in an effort to be humble, our brain starts to believe that shit. Like, we're just trying to play well with others in the game, but we begin to believe that the role were choosing to play in the game is our real self. Those humble self depreciating ways we respond become our reality.
I don't know how to change this, because I can't advocate running around yelling "I am great and can do it all. You think I'm awesome? you're damn right !"
I guess the key is just being mindful that our humble belittling of our own greatness talk isn't a real reflection of our full potential abilities. ✌🏾
I think there is really a big difference between boasting and being positive about yourself, and people who know you like your friends, family and regular co-workers will know you arent a boastful person. So being a bit more positive around people you know really well, should be less challenging than around strangers.
Im no great expert obviously, but I do find a bit of ironic humor can help you say positive words about yourself, while not seeming too boastful. Arrive at the office burst in and say "Nobody panic, I'm here!" with a cheeky smile, everyone knows you are joking, but there is an element of 'yeah, we all know Im joking, but there is some truth behind it too'.
Stay cool mate :)
People usually under-sell themselves. You see it also at job-interviews for example. When someone's good at something and gets notified by it they're like : ahhh.. but it's nothing special... , no.. it's nothing special for you but for others it is! Don't sell yourself short.
And people are quick to thinking that they are really over-exaggerating when they acknowledge that they are indeed a good person, or indeed have a amazing skill etc etc. while in fact, for the outside world an acknowledgement like that is really not exaggerating at all.
Good post!
Oh, I bet you see that a lot in job interviews. How awkward when we need to sell our abilities and yet this background discomfort kicks in making us play things down at the same time. Thank you for commenting.
My goodness you look amazing! Oh by the way very nice post...many people may feel very humble in your presence so possibly they show it more when you show gratitude. Cheers!
Well, thank you. 🙏🏽 Insightful comment you made here. I had not considered that...
I agree on everthing that you wrote..It's probably bacuse we have been told to be humble, not too cocky - because it will look that we love ouselves too much! Like this is something bad. It's in our culture unfortunally. If we just say thank you whenever we receive compliment then we will have guilty conscience (what if they think that I'm too much selfconfident?)...it's a never ending story for some :) Love reading your post..will follow you for more :) @lavitaebella
Thank you 🙏🏽 Love your blog too and following you back.
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It is nicely written. It is nicely inspired me too. Thanks, I break out from my cage by the help of Steemit community and all members.
We must remain free! Good work keep goin
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