Math question: You want to hold the Olympics in your front garden and then the football World Cup in your back garden 2 years later. How much bribe money will you need?

ALL THE AMMUNITION YOU'LL NEED FOR THAT BABY GUN : That's right for this week only we will be awarding Baby Gun ammunition to anyone who can answer the Math Question. In fact we'll give you a life times supply of it. Tracer, incendiary, explosive, armor piercing, hollow point and full metal jacket are available in whatever quantity you like. You can just go crazy down at the range. Imagine shooting your worst enemy in the face with one of these babies eh.

Today we look at hospitals and ask the questions: Why? and Is that as sharp as it looks?

Anyway, there I was down at the local hospital place looking for more material for the expose I'm writing on them. So while I was there they asked this paraplegic guy if he would like to walk again. He said, rather too quickly in my view, he'd give his right arm to be able to walk down the aisle with his fiance. So they took it. There's an arm shortage apparently. Anyway he was booked in for the treatment that would allow him walk again but he never turned up. They found him 6 weeks later. He'd starved to death in his own living room because he could only move his wheelchair round in small circles. Still he died an arm donor, it's just a shame all his other bits had gone too rotten to be of use. The dog enjoyed them though. Apparently his piss bag and shit sack were like enormous party balloons only funnier and slightly less buoyant.

You've gotta laugh at things like that. No seriously, you have to. Otherwise people can assume you have no sense of humor and mistake you for an SJW or a Politician. So I've been studying hospitals for a while now. Initially only out of curiosity. I mean what the fuck are they for anyway? I'm pretty sure, although I can't prove it, that they are mainly about making money from harvesting your organs every time you pop in for a routine scan or a bandage. They are really good at pushing you into accepting organ donor cards as far as I could see. They were all over the place. Especially in the Renal unit. I noticed straight away that nowhere on the card does it state how much you get for them. Ordinarily I'd assume there's a sliding scale based on weight and quality of the organ but you can't do that with hospitals, as I swiftly found out.

Having piqued my interest, as a fully fledged investigative journalist, I started investigating them journalistically. It's like the police do, except you collect evidence and statements before you shoot innocent people in the back. Journalists also don't have to carry around bags of drugs and unregistered firearms to decorate the suspects bodies with. I'm filled with admiration, that despite their tough job they still care about the artistic and aesthetic aspects of covering up their criminality. The bribes I get are better but are nowhere near as regular, so the similarities end there. I staked out the hospital for a period of over 6 months. Partly due to the complexity of my investigation but mostly because I was claiming expenses.

What I discovered will shock you. Or possibly not. That's far too sweeping a statement really isn't it. I don't know any of you nor your shockability quotient. You could be surprised by brown hens eggs for all I know or totally unmoved by seeing your entire family beaten to death with a curtain rod. It's not my fault. Editors like to have words like that they can select from the piece to provide an attention grabbing, totally misleading, headline. Journalism is like cat litter, full of stinking piles of shit produced by creatures with no concept of morality.

First of all let me tell you why you can never find an ambulance to taxi your dying relatives to wherever dying relatives want to go so urgently. They are all hanging around hospitals. It's pointless calling for one. You'd think they'd spread them out across an area so they can do what ambulances are meant to do. I have no idea what that is but I'm absolutely certain it isn't hanging around hospitals most of the day. The places are death traps. Don't believe me? Well I counted in far more living people than ever came out of that place. That's right. They were wheeling in hundreds of patients, I think that's the right word and I should probably have researched this topic a lot better. I'm far too busy journalizing for that, most of the time though. They were wheeling out a lot fewer and as soon as they reached the exit most of those stood up and got out of there as fast as their wobbly legs could carry them. Some of them even had accomplices and getaway drivers to help them escape.

That's it really. Not much to show for over 6 months of investigative journalism, you might think. You'd be wrong. I'm not going to tell you the numerous reasons why you're wrong because I can't think of any. I've possibly been over investigative journalizing and that combined with the enormous pressure of maintaining my cover, as a man hanging around outside a hospital for over 6 months, has temporarily robbed me of tissue thin excuses. I've used up most of my creativity, creating bogus expenses claims. Tell me honestly do you think 27 cartons of dwarfs is too many?