My Philosophy. Your Philosophy.

The following was written on 27MAY2017 at 3:45pm on 20 mg of Adderall in a Starbucks (I know, I know):

Call it addiction. Fine. I accept that.

I keep falling for the same old tricks. My brain has fucked me again, but I have a good sense of things now, so I think...I feel, we are recoverable.

This piece is to address an identified pattern and the alarming lack of deja vu.

A couple weeks have passed now with no perceived stressors. I thought the need for the drug was associated with my desire to be productive, which I'm sure was part of it as some level of reinforcement. But it is not the core reason why I continue to abuse it.

It is the feeeeeeeling. In order to appreciate the feel, you'll need to say the e's with changing pitch and your eyes closed. I could not understand why after 2 solid weeks of not doing a whole lot, and two more weeks of doing nothing, why I would feel the need to drop a full dose and sit here at the cafe. There was no anticipation of feeling, before arriving here I couldn't remember what this feeling feels like, yet here I am experiencing it and writing about it.

I have touted disconnection as a gift, but it seems the inability to permanently bridge the action-reward gap has created a dependency. I know I need the drug to continue to feeeeeel, but I can't remember what the feeling is like when I am off the drug. Nothing gets me there and that's a problem.

I didn’t respect the new reality after shedding those things around me which are not true to me. The drug is not real, the feeeeeeel, as real as it seems, is also not real. When off the drug, what I am left with is a shell of some parts of a human being.

So what’s going on when I take the drug. I believe it reinforces the notion that whatever it is that you want to do at that moment is the right course of action, then gives you a means to do it. I lack both of these areas when off the drug creating an enormous void. Sober, I am perpetually lost and talking myself out of or justifying not doing anything. It’s been my biggest frustration in life, the desire to do SOMETHING, but the inability to follow through.

I have spent a couple weeks watching people. What motivates them to do the things they do, regardless of what they are, and how they can get up and just do it. I’ve seen fear and frustration, dissatisfaction and greed, sadness and grief, and the old striving to do better. Who are you striving for? Who hammered these values into your head? How early was that done, is it too late for me? It’s beginning to feel that way.

At least, it’s too late to imbue a different set of values than the ones already imprinted onto me. This lack of motivation, the core, what is it, where is it? I’m so close to understanding it.

The ideas that drive others to act are not the same as those driving me, but they can be leveraged in much the same way. It must begin by understanding who I am, the search for whom I thankfully started months ago.

This week I learned something which I think I already knew: I can’t adopt meaningful reward. My brain simply won’t allow it. I’ve likely restrained myself from feeling it for so many years, the neurotransmitters that drive this feeling or their receptors are burnt to a crisp. The evidence is the drug reaction. I am given the tools to do meaningful things. I am an animal on this drug, I have won awards, I am a social butterfly, people believe in me. But those things are meaningless once off the drug. I am living someone else’s life, someone more successful to someone else.

It’s ok, most people see this type of observation as depressing and tend to offer condolences and sympathy. Fuck that, feed me truth and understanding. What can we deduce from our new experiential evidence?

Given rational thought, philosophy is the greatest tool we have to advance as a species. Having such huge voids in the values department has allowed me to fill in the blanks like a mental/emotional Mad Libs. But I didn’t do it from a superficial angle repeating actions people governed by value systems performed, but rather acting in a way consistent to the philosophy given the situation.

I noticed that 100% of the time it worked. As long as I stayed true to the philosophy, it brought me predictable success. What was nice about choosing a philosophy, was that I was able to pick something that worked for me especially well at the time. And, again, as long as I was consistent and didn’t waver from the philosophy, the results were undeniable. Results. It feels good to say, but I have no recollection.

This isn’t new. I knew then that all philosophies are ‘correct’ as long as the person experiencing them is authentic and consistent. This observation was more overwhelming than knowing I could do anything. Not only can I do anything, but I can do anything well. I am a shifter, a mimic of sorts.

What is new is the recognition of where the disconnection lies. Two questions come to mind: 1) can the disconnected bridge be rebuilt and 2) should I bother if I can adopt the perfect philosophy for my DNA and experiences thus far. I suppose it’s a question that is answered many different ways depending on the observer. To me it is a question of whether I should be like everyone else or leverage my me-ness to attain sharper success. Perhaps the outcome is identical if the norm for most people even comes into question and if success is defined by the very people I’m avoiding becoming with the latter option.

Thinking more on the topic leads me to consider the lack of a past and future. Your interpretation of the past is retained in your mind as an imprint of the present at that time and the future is uncertain in an absolute sense. We are left with the present, the current feeling, the current reality. Once a philosophy is adopted and pursued and it is natural and effortless, the future becomes irrelevant. The future will unfold the way it needs to as long as you make decisions that adhere to your philosophy. Every decision needs to be consistent to reiterate building habits and maintain a truthful path.

The fallacy I believe is seeing a final product and crafting a philosophy or making decisions to get to that goal, which does work to get to the goal, but may interfere with more organic philosophies.

This life doesn’t afford me many natural philosophies, though I feeeeeel I can make it work.

The next step to my ultimate evolution is to continue refining my philosophy until I feel it to be pure and more importantly identify and stomp out the things which impede my ability to execute decisions per my philosophy.

The inability to have meaningful rewards stick in my head isn’t a death sentence, it should simply be understood that appreciation of future goals should play a negligible part in decision making. Decide to do things that I want to do, and if something is preventing it, understand it to remove the road block however I need to. Where I’m going is irrelevant, and I am comfortable knowing that where I end up, is exactly where I need to be.