The immortal moment. The photography and my depression. Why I love taking pictures.

monkeydnima (62)in #blog • 6 years ago

Especially in my past I suffered from many fears and depressions. I was so desperate sometimes that I didn't even believe it would ever get better again. Those moments were the worst I've ever experienced. I always described it to my psychologist like an endless desert burning, no matter where I walk, I'll be in the fire.
I didn't feel anything nice anymore, I didn't have a drive. I had so little drive that I didn't even want to get better.
My psychologist recommended antidepressants. It was a terrible thought that my feelings depended on medication. If you have to take medication because your arm is broken or you have a headache, this decision is not difficult. But a dependence on pills to make you feel better mentally is one of the worst thoughts I can imagine.
When you are no longer the master of your feelings, you have absolutely nothing left in life.
My mother convinced me to try antidepressants.
After about six weeks I felt a little better. Not so much has changed. The horrible moments weren't so bad anymore. Otherwise everything was the same.
But that enabled me to start reading Buddhist books. I felt a slight urge to get well again and I could finally cry, which was a wonderful feeling.

The authors always wrote how important it is to live in the moment. One should not think too much about the past and the future.
I tried again and again only to live in the moment, but I always got an intense fear. I didn't want to live in the moment because it had always shown me myself. I didn't trust myself and my feelings anymore. I never knew when I was doing well and bad. So I gave it up and stopped reading any of those books.
One summer day I decided to take pictures for the first time. I took my father's camera and photographed everything I saw. I felt better that day. I felt at peace of mind. That's why I spent all day capturing as many moments as possible with my camera.
When I was at home I looked at the pictures on my laptop. And then I finally got it. When I looked at my photos, I realized that I had made those moments immortal with my photos. These photos will stay in the here and now forever. Nothing can happen to these moments anymore, so you don't have to think about the past and the future. I wish I could describe my feelings better at this moment. I cried, I cried alot. But it was a wonderful feeling.

I felt free for the first time after my depression. I think that's where I understood how to live in the moment. I will look at each moment like at my photos. No one can take the moment away from me. Nothing can happen to me at this point. And that's what we live for, for the many photos we take in our heads. And from photo to photo you become more stable and independent. I've never stopped taking pictures since. And I feel much better today. I would describe myself as a happy person...

#life #story #introduce #photography