Moralities of Third Party Situations or: Morality is not really the issue here …

In the last years, I kind of became an expert on this topic. So many third party situations surrounding me that it seemed like THE topic of 2016/17/18 and 2019 for couples to me. And after having spoken about it so many times the quasi-logic makes me explore it even further now. You attract what you think about, right? Today, I am No° 3. Like a test or something. I can promptly check the praxis to all my theories. Ok, universe, let's do this with 3 examples!

The Polygamic Couple

The first on my list. I met him at some professional training after my ex had left me in 2017. The dynamic between us was easygoing, patronizing, humorous. He told me he and his girlfriend would be living a polyamorous relationship and I thought that's perfect and invited him over. When I'm single and I want to have sex I am faced with this conflict: I can't fuck a stranger. I simply can't. I can't be turned on while I wonder if he treats other people as kind as he treats me in this particular instance, can't stop questioning if he might have killed someone, wonder about his everyday life. 'Do they deserve me?' is the question that circles my mind and there's no way answering it for I don't know them! Not an option. So, this connection appeared perfect. We met every day at school for a while, I trusted him, knew about his everyday life and that it was fine. At the same time, I wasn't ready for anything but sex. My ex had left a tremendous crack in my heart. I was still healing and did not at all think about a new relationship. We had some excellent sex for a few times, then his girlfriend called me.
She felt sorry for bothering me with it but she needed to talk to me. She told me about their relationship, their family, what she would be doing compared to what he does, how she felt mistreated, and if I could please take all these things into consideration while he fucks me. Can you imagine? I listened to her problems and in the end, I told her that I would preferably simply don't do it anymore, instead of thinking about her problems while having sex.

Morality:
In this case: Person 1 and 2 brought a moral conflict to the table, Person 3 (me) did nothing wrong. The premise was that it is an open rs, everybody is allowed to have sex with a third party. This case is easy. Between the two of them were some kind of dishonesty and unsolved issues. The sex between us was agreed upon between all parties … until it wasn't. Did they do anything wrong? I don't see things like that. Morality doesn't help, neither does judgment. If anything the couple was having some kind of communication problem.

The Codependent Couple

There's this couple in my environment … they are quite a handful. They live together for 2 years now and are this kind of trouble couple that fights their combats pretty openly. He says it's because she's Italian. I say that's not the only misconception between those two. Last summer he had an affair. She learned about it when he took his second girlfriend to a festival where they arranged some kind of fake wedding – for whatever reason – that his initial girlfriend saw the pictures of online. I kind of thinks he wanted her to know. He was looking for the easiest way out. No need to talk about it, I'm fake married now … She could have found out differently, though. She doesn't hide the fact that she regularly checks his phone. Lots of people feel uncomfortable sending him a message and carefully watch their words. Thos two don't trust each other. I couldn't tell what was first. The mistrust or the reasons for it. She, herself met someone else and is anything but innocent. When she complained about the whole story her focus was mostly on the other woman. The one she deemed her competitor. She would be acting immorally is what she said. It's the last time I spoke to her. She angrily left me when I disagreed and said that this woman is not her problem. I was trying to explain my opinion that there are, at least, three perspectives on this. Hers, his and the other woman's. And from her, my acquaintance's perspective nothing else would matter but the relationship between her and her boyfriend. She could neither judge the other woman nor determine what happens between the other two. I couldn't really explain what I meant. I just felt if anything everyone can always only change their own views, their own acts, their own life, perspective, whatever … I didn't have the insights that I am having today. Being this other one, being number 3, the secret, someone's escapism …

Morality:
Again, ain't got to do with morality. A fixed moral standard about human interactions is more about insecurity than it is about protecting society. Sure, I feel safer in a world where nobody kills you. Where there are standards against it. But still, those standards do not protect me from being killed. Let's say, it's good for measurement. But in the end, it is always more of interest what caused the situation. In their case, the answer would be something like mistrust, betrayal, misunderstandings, codependency, and insecurity. Is there a potential to heal and do they want to? That is the question. The third person is just a stranger who happened to become an indicator for all of those initial problems. She did not cause them and can't be held accountable. All she did was giving her love unconditionally. Without judging about his other relationship.

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The Married Monogamous Couple

I did not fakemarry him, I never even met him. But it would be ridiculous to assert I would keep my hands to myself if we would. 13,000 miles are taking care of it. We have seldom secret chats that I never want to end and he never wants his wife to know about. He does not tell me to wait for him or anything, he is where he's at, I am where I am, it is what it is.
What is it? Nothing but two people with similar dreams, mutual turnons, fatal attraction … who would eat each other up the second they'd met.

Morality:
Not doing anything wrong. Even if I would meet and touch him, if I would kiss him and do all the things I daydream about. I am not responsible for his relationship with his wife. I am only responsible for not hurting myself in this ménage à trois. I have to think before I offer anything, protect my heart from being broken or decide that I am up to having my heart broken. That is all I can decide about. And I can use reason or my heart or both but I can't invent rules or simply avoid myself by avoiding my emotions. The woman from the codependent couple would disagree. She would say that I am not respecting his wife. But it's not that simple and again, says more about anxiety and codependency than it says about love or respect. I see it more like that: If the person I feel so much for loves another person for more than 10 years, she must be great. Pretty sure she's beautiful, smart, hilarious, sexy. I bet she has it all. All but the passion that once was there and both parties are lacking today. And if she would call me, like the other one once did, I bet we could even cry about it together. That life often feels so complicated and that we hurt the ones we love the most. And eventually ourselves. It is indeed very sad, it ain't a shame, however.