WHAT IF I DO IT?: REVEALING THE UNCONSCIOUS MIND

There's a famous saying "Don't do unto others what you don't want to do unto you" -- Confucius, which is a central ethical teaching of Jesus and often referred to us as a Golden Rule. Sometimes we cannot avoid to think something bad to others specially when we feel an urge of revenge or hatred that we want to give them an instant pain in their heart, either through emotional or physical attack. We cannot avoid to think to give them something bad that it will makes us feel that we are already even with them. "You hurt me, I hurt you", sounds sucks right? Well, that's the sad reality here, you choose a situation which you think you belong, are you the "Affected" guy or the "Chill" guy. For me, I always fall in the "Affected" one. Actually, I'm so freaking tired of being like that. I'm so tired of being neglected, taken for granted, unworthy of time and effort, and sometimes I feel unloved. I'm so tired of being misunderstood, begging for a time to talk to me while he was so busy focusing in his games. I am tired of explaining and waiting that something might change. Maybe, nothing will change. So maybe, I should do the same.

If he can do that to me, why I can't do that to him? If he finds time to other things, why can't I? It's just a matter of diverting. Its a choice and actions. But how? What will I do? These thoughts began to lingers in my mind.

Sometimes, I thought of finding a chat mate. An old friend. A relative. A stranger. They say its easier to share your stories to a stranger because you don't need to worry about their opinion, besides, he/she is not a friend so what ever he/she might say will not affects you. Sometimes, I used to consider re-opening my dating account sites, not to flirt okay? But just to have someone to talk to, someone who is not so judgmental upon hearing my sentiments. Sometimes I imagined myself going for a long vacation with no communication at all to those person who hurt me most. I want to live in a peace and quite place, where I can re-focus myself, my mind and my soul. I want to spend a ME time, a quality time that no one will ask me where I am. I want to walk away, to clear my clog mind and release all my disappointments in life.

Sometimes I think of not putting a lot of effort because I don't get what I suppose to get.. Why its so hard to reply immediately when someone send you a message? There are two reasons: (1) he/she is avoiding you (2) he/she is not interested at all. I did not include the "Busy" mode because I believe if you really are busy you will tell her/him. Nowadays, people tend to ignore the message by not reading it even though you see them online 24/7. Hello?! Its so pretty obvious! Why can't just tell them "Oh I can't talk to you right now" or "Oh I can't help you" or just give them a straight answer instead leaving them wondering! For example, if you're playing a game, can you just tell them "I'll just play a bit, will return to you later" and not just hanging them and make them feel you don't want to talk to them. Are you some kind of stupid not thinking how they feel? So sometimes, I used to not reply either so he/she will feel the same and we're even! And sometimes I think to do it more often and in a hard way so he/she can be annoyed.

Sometimes I thought of someone from my past. I began to compare the past and the present. How it was before and the present. What are the similarities and why it feels like its happening again. I used to recall those unforgettable moments. That feeling when I'm in cloud nine. Feeling so loved, special, important. I wonder how are they. What if I stay connected to them? And so I sob.

Sometimes I think what If I do all my "Not to do" list to him. I'll drink until I get drunk, I'll stay up late at the bar, I'll invite all my friends in the house, I'll tour around with strangers, I'll talk to my EX's, I won't give him any text or calls and flirt with someone? Will he ask his self why I do it? Will he understand the real reason? Will he talk to me? Knowing his personality, the answer is NO. And so I just keep on praying that the Lord touch his heart and his mind. I hope he knows my worth. I hope he won't stop treating me good and special. I don't want to believe the sayings, when you got married, things will change. The sweetest and romantic guy you used to love before will never be the same after a couple of years. All those things he did during the courtship days will be gone. From sugar to bitter sweet.

I don't want you to stop looking for a reasons to court me continuously. If other couple stays the same, why can't we?