To Support Unconditionally
There are times when my husband goes into a momentary experience of depression and last night was one of those times. It is usually about not having been able to achieve or do things in and with his life that he had once envisioned himself to do. He will get all quiet, slouched over and drawn into himself. My response to this has always been to sort of panic, partly out of fear that he won't be able to get out of it but mostly because I don't feel like I know what to do or say to bring him out of it or at least support him in some way so he can bring himself out of it.
This then often results in me becoming 'pushy'. I try to say anything to hopefully push him out of the experience. I for instance point out to him where the depression is probably coming from, that it's because he wanted something which he couldn’t have and now he is throwing a tantrum cause he couldn’t get things to go his way. I'll go on to say that he cannot go back into the past so he should just let go of those wants, which are unrealistic anyways, and work with what he does have in his life. To me this all seems to be just common sense so I kind of expect him to go "oh my goodness! you are right my dear, I am being silly!", to then step out of the depression so we can live happily ever after. That never happens though. In fact it just seems to aggravate him that I am trying to "fix" things and am not just letting him deal with it on his own.
My experience of panic unfortunately overrides the consideration that it would probably be best for me to leave it be, at least until I am no longer emotionally reactive myself, so I proceed to attempt to push him out of the experience. This is where I start using myself as manipulation tactic by pointing out how him going into depression also affects and influences me and that he is not considering that we are both in the situation together. As I say this I am starting to feel hurt by the situation and then go ahead to use that 'hurt' to guilt-trip him out of his depression.
He says he feels that I am not supporting him because I always react emotionally when he goes into something, like depression. As I prepare my reply to try and convince him otherwise and tell him that I DO support him and "how could he not see that", I pause for a moment and suddenly see myself in a different light. I see how I had convinced myself of all the things I was telling him but that in actuality my emotional state showed me that I was really only concerned with myself. I wasn't really supporting him, I was trying to get him to stop feeling depressed so that I could feel better.
Having only seen and approached things from MY point of view and MY experience, I didn't realize that my "support" had never been real. I understood in that moment that real support and real understanding is to transcend and let go of all that I am personally going through, all of my own experiences and reactions wherein I had convinced myself that my intentions are always good. To support another is to STAND, to be here without any thoughts or reactions going on in the background. In this you also show them that you under-STAND. This under-STANDing is not an intellectual "knowing" what the person is going through, it is a simple STANDing with the person. No "knowing" or "grasping" what they are experiencing is necessary, you are just there with them as you STAND with them.
Having realized this now, I made a commitment with myself. Every time I see that my husband is in an experience and I catch that panic coming up in my mind, I will stop and breathe, and rather bring myself to in that moment live the word SUPPORT as an unconditional letting go of my personal experiences and a STANDING with my husband. Then I will know that I have truly embodied this word and then I can say that I have truly supported another.
Thanks for reading!
Kim Amourette
Wow, really great support here. I can relate to this so much and have gone through this pattern of trying to 'fix' my partner over and over, always with the same end result of no actual resolution to the problem, and feeling like I had instead driven a wedge between us. Thank you for sharing your insights here, I can see the potential benefits and will remember and apply this in my own life.
Much potential really. The thing is men have different makeup and especially go through alot in their head when they can't accomplish as much as they feel they can and speaking them out of their low times a this point, tends to come of as lack of support. Infact, inspiration works better. Thank you for coming here to support @kimamourette. It is what life is about. Happy commenting!
Thanks for the feedback kimzilla! That is exactly how I felt as well, that no matter what I was saying to try and "fix" the situation, I just felt like I was driving us further and further apart. Interestingly enough, the moment I realized what I did, dropped all the emotional energy within myself and shared with my husband what I realized, not only did I feel a lot better but he also 'eased up' to me.
This is beautiful
It's so easy, when the people we care about are going through a tough time, to become overwhelmed by our own insecurities and to try and get them out of that state just so we can feel good again. But the truth is, when we act that way, it's never for them.
When we go through a difficult time, our body needs to go through a certain phase before it can recover. You need to give it space to process those emotions, because they're there for a reason. It's just part of the process. And resisting them will only prolong the suffering.
It takes a lot of courage to allow him to go through what he needs to go through without trying to change or control him. You did the right thing, and he's lucky to be with someone who can just sit with his pain and allow it to be.
Guys aren't generally socialized to share their emotions, but if you can get him to talk, just listening without trying to fix the problem will also do wonders.
Keep it up :)
Thanks for the feedback thesexologist! Interesting that you bring up the body in the equation, since the body itself does heal much better when the mind sleeps, which is similar to what you mentioned about giving our emotional body, so to speak, space to process things. I have found that it is definitely not the "natural", or should I say, "automatic" thing to do, but as you say it does do wonders. Since my husband woke up this morning, he seemed completely out of the depression and he told me today that it was nice for him to hear when I shared with him what I realized last night.
Lovely comment here. There are such amazing humans on steemit. You also manage to give your personal experience this comment which leave further help for others who join the conversation much later. Ultimate, sometimes we have to let go and allow ourselves to be humans. Sometimes, this some humility. Sometimes our being tend to want to be superhuman and frown at things like depression, sadness, breakdown etc and it starts to come us as weakness even. But is it? We aren't perfect! If the invincible Creator Jehovah gets sad sometimes, them who are we?
Very cool Share here Kimamourette. I relate so much so to this within past relationships, where really this issues coming up within my girlfriends where deep issues within myself on some level that i had been suppressing...Ironically....and maybe not so ironically...i ended up suppressing my best expressions and potential because i was accumulating judgments about my girlfriends on a somewhat unconscious level that was ultimately just a packing on of baggage within myself that resulted in creating a dissonance in the relationship. It took me awhile to work my commitment issues that were a result of my deep suppressions and insecurities. To sum up my participations, i didnt know how to very well articulate my vulnerabilities in what i was experiencing inside myself. Thanks for this post, its supportive to me in seeing the changes i have worked as a result of many many sloppy reactionary mis-takes. Your blog will support many. Keep up the good work and welcome to steemit :)
Thanks for sharing that worldclassplayer!
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